One of the most shocking moments in a relationship with someone with untreated narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is when you realize that your partner does not really care if you are in pain or if you are hurt. This is very hard for most people to understand. How can a person who claims to love me be so indifferent to my feelings that they are willing to devalue me, ignore my needs, and purposely abuse me?
Narcissists Lack Emotional Empathy
One of the main reasons people with NPD are willing to hurt other people to get what they want is that they lack emotional empathy for other human beings. They may appear to care, but that is usually an act.
Emotional Empathy vs. Cognitive Empathy
There are two different types of empathy that most humans have—emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. People with untreated NPD usually have cognitive empathy but little or no emotional empathy.
What Is Emotional Empathy?
Emotional empathy is the ability to automatically (without conscious effort) feel some of what another person is feeling.
Example: You see someone accidentally hit his thumb with a hammer and you automatically wince in sympathy. Or, your child is delighted to be chosen for the soccer team and your heart fills with joy.
What Is Cognitive Empathy?
Cognitive empathy involves thought. It is not an automatic response. It is a bit like acting. You know the situation calls for an empathic response but you feel nothing. You think about how to convey the appearance of the appropriate amount of empathy.
Example: Your best friend’s father died. You never particularly liked him. You actually are a bit annoyed at him for dying because going to the funeral will be an ordeal. But you keep your real feelings to yourself and say something that you think expresses the required empathy, such as
I am so sorry your father died. I know you will miss him greatly. We will all miss him.
Note: In this post, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
Can Narcissists Develop Emotional Empathy?
I have had clients with NPD start to develop emotional empathy during a successful therapy. My clients all took a very predictable and similar path.
Certain conditions needed to be fulfilled for my clients to experience their first emotional empathy for another human being:
- They were very invested in their therapy and were making good progress.
- The person they felt emotional empathy for was harmless to them and below them in status.
- This harmless person looked up to them and confided in them.
- The situation they confided about was very distressing and very like one my narcissistic client had experienced.
Example: Bill and His Brother Benny
My client Bill had an older brother Benny who liked to torment him. Their father had died, and their mother had to go to work when Bill was in kindergarten. Benny was 5 years older and was supposed to bring Bill home from school and look after him until their mother got home.
What really happened is that Benny resented having to be responsible for his kid brother. At first, he just bullied him, but, eventually, he started to smack him around. Benny told Bill that if he ever told anyone what was going on he would hurt him worse and break his favorite toy.
By the time Bill was in junior high, he started to fight back. He survived some epic battles with his brother and became a strong, tough guy.
Now Bill is grown and heads a division of a company. He is an exhibitionist narcissist and can be extremely confrontational. He has trouble managing his anger.
Bill entered therapy with me because his wife and children were afraid of his rages and his wife had threatened to leave him unless he changed. After his lonely and violent childhood, he loved having a real family and was willing to do just about anything to keep his family intact. He had no interest in other women.
Narcissism Essential Reads
Bill Gets His First Taste of Emotional Empathy
Bill came into his session excited and looking very pleased with himself. He reported the following story:
I think I felt real emotional empathy for maybe the first time. There’s this young guy at work I hired who I mentor a bit. He looks up to me. One day he started talking to me about how he hated his older brother. They hadn’t spoken in years. I asked why, and he told me his brother regularly beat him up as a kid. He used to hide from him. I really felt bad for him! The situation was almost like mine.
Empathy and Animals
Some of my narcissistic clients were capable of becoming emotionally attached to their pets and treated them very well. However, many of my narcissistic clients treated their animals just the way they treated people. They gave them treats when they were pleased and abused them when they were disobedient. This seemed to be especially true when their pets were dogs.
When I applied the above criteria for when someone with NPD might start to show emotional empathy, I found that similar conditions applied to animals. They were more likely to develop emotional empathy for pets who were
- No threat to the narcissist
- Obedient
- Submissive
- Affectionate
- Attentive
Summary
People with untreated NPD lack emotional empathy. The usual reason is that emotional empathy was not valued in their family growing up, and they were never encouraged to develop it. The smarter narcissists develop decent social skills and get along in the world by using their cognitive empathy. Some of my clients with narcissistic personality start to develop emotional empathy in the course of their therapy. It happens extremely gradually and only under very specific circumstances.
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