Expressing how you feel is a key part of making any relationship work, yet being emotionally vulnerable isn’t easy for many people. Having a well-developed sense of emotional intelligence gives people an understanding of their own feelings and it helps them navigate other people’s feelings as well.
The American Psychological Association defined emotional intelligence as the ability for people to process emotional information. Emotional intelligence is made up of four specific abilities: being able to perceive emotions accurately, accessing and expressing emotions, understanding emotional language, and regulating your emotions to promote growth and overall well-being.
Emotional intelligence paves the way for a safe and secure partnership. An emotionally intelligent partner means that they’re supportive and compassionate when you share how you feel. You will never hear an emotionally intelligent man say that your feelings don’t matter. Not everyone has high emotional intelligence, but forming relationships with those who do will nourish you immensely.
Here are 9 phrases you will never hear an emotionally intelligent man say
1. ‘You shouldn’t feel that way’
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It can be hard to hold space for difficult emotions, especially when those emotions are coming from someone you love. Yet a man who has high emotional intelligence understands that all emotions are valid, and that telling someone to feel differently denies them agency and dismisses their reality.
The director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Marc Brackett, shared just how deeply our emotions are tied to our lived experiences. “Emotions influence the choices we make, but it happens outside our consciousness. Emotion systems can bias how we see the world,” he explained.
An emotionally intelligent man would never say, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Even if he doesn’t understand how his partner feels or he disagrees with their reaction, he recognizes that everyone has a right to their own emotions.
2. ‘You’re overreacting’
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The phrase “You’re overreacting” is designed to cut people down and force them into silence. An emotionally intelligent man doesn’t disregard how his partner feels, choosing to validate their emotions instead.
Psychologist Nick Wignall revealed that emotionally intelligent people don’t criticize others. He described criticism as an “unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities,” adding, “Helpful criticism is about making the world better. Unhelpful criticism is about making yourself feel better.”Â
Wignall acknowledged that being critical is a common human instinct that everyone does sometimes, but making a habit of criticizing others is unproductive and hurtful.
An emotionally intelligent man would never say, “You’re overreacting” because they’re not judgmental about other people’s feelings, or their own.
3. ‘I don’t need your help’
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A man who’s secure in himself knows that asking for help doesn’t indicate weakness. Asking for help shows that he has a high level of self-awareness and understands that relying on others for support is an essential part of making a relationship work. As mindfulness coach Moira Hutchison explained, “Giving and receiving help can enrich your life.”
It might seem counterintuitive, but asking for help actually enriches relationships, rather than detracting from them. All relationships are based around a balance of giving and taking, and an emotionally intelligent man knows that asking for help can bring him closer to his partner and foster a stronger sense of intimacy between them.
4. ‘Why can’t you just be happy?’
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Asking someone to change how they feel signifies a serious lack of emotional intelligence. Asking someone why they can’t be happy sends the message that having anything but positive emotions means they’re inherently flawed.
Wignall also revealed that pretending to be happy all the time is a major sign someone has low emotional intelligence. “Because they don’t understand their moods and emotions very well, people with low emotional intelligence live in denial about the emotions they don’t like — the painful, uncomfortable ones,” he explained. “And they hope that if they tell themselves they’re happy all the time they will be happy all the time and won’t ever have to feel bad.”
An emotionally intelligent man understands that emotions are complicated, and can’t be switched on or off based on someone else’s expectations.
5. ‘I don’t have time to listen to this’
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A phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent man say is, “I don’t have time to listen to this.” Telling someone you don’t have time to hear how they feel essentially tells them that they’re not important enough to listen to. An emotionally intelligent man doesn’t push people away when they want to talk about emotional issues; instead, he welcomes the discussion, even if it’s difficult.
Validating emotions is an indication that someone has higher emotional intelligence than the average person. Identifying a feeling is the first part to understanding it, which lays the groundwork for accepting it, and then, moving on from it.
“Your emotions are always valid even if they’re painful or unhelpful,” Wignall explained. “It’s a lot easier to accept your painful emotions when you are in the habit of validating them first.”
6. ‘Calm down’
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Using the phrase “calm down” is a fairly toxic way of talking to someone, especially someone you’re supposed to care about. It dismisses people’s right to own their emotions and makes them feel small and insignificant.
Telling someone to calm down during a fight does the exact opposite of what that phrase is meant to do. Instead of de-escalating the conflict, it makes people feel attacked, so they become more emotionally reactive.
Licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. warns that using this phrase has the opposite effect. “The problem with the phrase is that it often puts people on the defensive — insinuating that their reactions are the problem… it feels inherently invalidating to have someone tell you that your feelings are too big in proportion to what happened to you,” she said.
An emotionally intelligent man would never say, “calm down.” He might suggest taking deep breaths to emotionally regulate yourself or ask to have some time alone to process what’s going on, but those are asks that honor the presence of someone’s emotions, as opposed to denying them.
7. ‘I’m not responsible for your feelings’
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An emotionally intelligent man would never say, “I’m not responsible for your feelings.” While a man with emotional intelligence knows how to be accountable for his own feelings and understands that he can’t control anyone else’s emotions but his own, he also knows that his words and actions deeply affect how other people feel.
AÂ study on emotional intelligence published in “Behavioral Science” explained that having emotional intelligence means “You acknowledge, accept, and control your emotions and emotional reactions as well as those of other people. You learn about yourself and move on to the understanding of other people’s self. You learn to coexist better.”
“Emotional Intelligence provides you with a better inner world to cope with the outside world,” the authors concluded.
Part of emotional intelligence means recognizing that we’re all connected. Ultimately, we’re all responsible for holding our own emotional experience, but telling someone, “I’m not responsible for your feelings,” is a statement that lacks empathy and compassion.
8. ‘You always do this’
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This phrase is a highly critical thing to say, and it focuses on past grievances in a judgmental way. Giving gentle and generous feedback on someone’s behavior is part of being in a relationship, but making a rigid declaration like, “You always do this,” isn’t feedback, so much as an expression of deep contempt.
An emotionally intelligent man understands that a person is more than their mistakes. He knows that the best way to inspire someone to change their patterns of behavior is to have a calm conversation, instead of accusing them of “always” acting a certain way.
9. ‘I can’t believe you’re so upset’
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The phrase “I can’t believe you’re so upset” is one an emotionally intelligent man won’t say. Having high emotional intelligence means he can hold space for other people’s feelings without telling them they shouldn’t experience the full range of their emotions. Denying someone their feelings is a sign of low emotional intelligence, one that’s often rooted in not having empathy.
An emotionally intelligent man doesn’t shame people. He understands that people process emotions at a different pace. Pushing away uncomfortable feelings just makes them surge back up at some other point in time, which is why an emotionally intelligent man doesn’t expect people to suppress how they feel.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
