It can be hard for men to let someone they’re seeing in, but it’s not up to you to open him up. He has to choose to share his feelings, but there are some small things you can do to let him know he can trust you. Vulnerability in a relationship can be a beautiful thing.
Keep in mind there are things you can do to let him know it’s safe to open up to you. Ultimately, you’ll find out whether he is a long-term match.
Here are 7 subtle ways women can get a man to let them in emotionally:
1. Speak his language
Women tend to be more comfortable expressing their emotions, but most men aren’t. They’re more connected to their linear, logical brain.
According to research from Stanford University, men’s and women’s brains are wired differently. Women are more intuitive and can conclude more easily, while men have better perception and motor skills.
To speak his language, talk across the brain. Instead of asking him how he’s feeling, share your feelings and ask what he’s thinking.
By being curious and asking about his thoughts you’re allowing him to open up to you. He may not use the same emotionally intelligent words as you, but it’s still a chance to create a connection.
2. Acknowledge and appreciate his efforts
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The fuel a man runs on in a relationship is acknowledgment and appreciation. Rather than treating your boyfriend like a girlfriend and expecting him to reciprocate, simply express your gratitude for him and the things he does for you. Research from 2017 states that expressing gratitude for your partner can lead to greater relationship satisfaction.
This will emotionally bond him because he knows how to please you and increase your happiness.
Encourage him to speak up by expressing gratitude when he shares his feelings with you. The more you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, the more effort he’ll put into it.
3. Speak your truth
Emotional authenticity is the doorway to emotional intimacy. Sharing how you feel is an invitation for him to share his feelings. When you’re authentic, you’re inviting him to speak his truth too. Being authentic in your relationship can help you out too. Research from 2013 states that people who are authentic in their relationships have higher self-esteem.
Being authentic isn’t about him or how he’s behaving (that’s your opinion). Being authentic means you’re expressing how you feel — that’s it. Be sure to use “I” language and focus your communication only on your emotional state.
4. Give him time to speak
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Create a trusting environment by listening and giving him time to find the right words without interruption. Rather than offering advice, be curious and ask if he has some options on how to handle a particular situation.
If he shares his feelings with you let him know that you appreciate him letting you in. You can also take the extra step of validating his feelings.
5. Don’t rehash the past
It’s important to clean up any conflicts or disagreements between you. Once you’ve resolved the issue move on as bringing up the past can be demoralizing to him. He needs to know that you’re not keeping score or holding grudges.
No matter your conflicts, you’re dancing together and you’ve both made mistakes. Rehashing the past is like picking the scab off a wound, it will never heal and instead put a wedge between you.
According to research from The Gottman Insitute, being able to process past fights and letting them go can build a strong relationship. Say what you need to say and then let it go.
6. Take responsibility for your part
You’re 100% responsible for your half of the relationship. When you take responsibility for your part, you permit him to own his. You also let him know that you don’t blame him for what has happened between you.
Responsibility is a powerful way to assure your partner and create certainty in a relationship. The more he knows that he’s not being blamed all the time, the more likely he is to be vulnerable and share his feelings.
7. Create an environment of trust
When you do your best to practice these tools, you create an environment of trust between you. One study from Eastern University details that a healthy foundation of trust is needed for a relationship to survive.
The goal is not perfection but to make your best efforts.
None of these steps will guarantee that he’ll become more vulnerable and let you in. Instead, approach these tools as an experiment and see if they can meet your needs. If he starts to let you in, encourage him by appreciating his efforts. If things don’t change between the two of you, you have all the information you need about what he’s capable of.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
