For parents of donor-conceived children, engaging in open and transparent conversations about their origins is not just beneficial—it’s essential for creating a healthy family. We want our children to be proud of every part of themselves, and that includes the way that they came into the world.
From an early age, it’s important to communicate openly—even with very young children—about their conception and about the donors that contributed approximately half of the DNA. These discussions foster a sense of confidence and pride within the child, promoting a positive self-identity. This approach lays the groundwork for children to comfortably and confidently know how to share their stories and answer questions, whether with family, friends, peers, or others, especially when their parents are absent. Children can be empowered by their origin story to be proud, unshakable, and bully-resistant.
Early disclosure
When a donor-conceived person finds out by accident or later in life about their conception, there is often trauma, distress, anger, or confusion. In a survey of 741 donor-conceived people, the age respondents learned of the method of their conception had a bearing on whether they felt confused upon learning this information. Of those who said they had “always known,” 8.6 percent indicated that they felt confused about their conception, while 45.8 percent of those who had not known until they were over 18 felt confused.1 Many other research studies also tell us that donor-conceived people fare much better when told early on, rather than finding out via a DNA test, a file hidden in a drawer, or some other way or person when older.2
It’s important for parents to first explore their own feelings and emotions surrounding the use of a donor. Is there any shame, embarrassment, or fear of judgment? Sometimes, parents claim to be “protecting” their kids by not having these discussions. It’s those families who all too often end up not ever disclosing, which ultimately ends up being a disservice to their child and to their relationship, as it becomes one built upon dishonest foundation.
Confusion about the differences between privacy and secrecy might also keep a parent from having open conversations. Are there things that might be best worked out with a therapist or a donor conception expert? It’s important for parents to be comfortable and confident when speaking with their children and when modeling conversations with others. Children should not be told to keep the information a secret, as secrecy implies shame, and we never want our kids to feel shame about any part of themselves, certainly not concerning their family type or the way that they were conceived.
The importance of early disclosure of a child’s origin story cannot be overstated. Parents can—and should—begin these discussions even before their children develop comprehensive language skills, thus embedding the concept into the fabric of their identity from the outset. Children can understand very basic concepts at an early age about the sperm, egg, and the difference between the parents that raise, love, and care for them and the biological parents that contributed the sperm or egg to help create them, but whom they may never meet.
It’s important for children to understand that they are a unique and wonderful blend of nature and nurture. The people who actively parent them—who love, raise, protect, and care for them—and the two people who contributed the DNA all contribute to who the child is. None of these nonbiological and biological parents should be minimized, ignored, or dismissed. As with many other explanations about the world, children might not initially comprehend the depth and breadth of these concepts, but consistent exposure and ever-deepening conversations will allow them to gradually internalize the essential truths about what it means to be donor-conceived. This foundational understanding is critical to provide a solid sense of self.
Modeling
Modeling conversations with medical professionals
Source: Macrovectorart / 123rf
Along with early disclosure, parents should be concurrently modeling disclosure conversations with friends, family, teachers (so that they can be supportive), and doctors (so that they understand how much is known about a child’s family health history) so that the child can better understand and then explain their family story to others.
Parents should aim to create a comfortable atmosphere that encourages dialogue. Their tone of voice and demeanor during these conversations play crucial roles; a positive and accepting tone reinforces the idea that discussions about donor conception are a normal part of family life, while hushed tones might imply secrecy or shame. Talking openly about half-siblings and donors matter-of-factly teaches children to do the same. Parents play a pivotal role in framing and defining these conversations and can guide their children by example when responding to various questions or attitudes they may encounter.
When children see their parents engaging in these conversations confidently with others—be it family members, friends, peers, acquaintances, or even strangers—they are likely to feel more secure and resilient. Parents can also practice responses with their children to feel more comfortable when leaving their kids at school or at a birthday party. They can feel confident that any playground questions about their family type, donor conception, half-siblings, or donors won’t rattle their child, and even when not having all the answers (e.g., “How many donor siblings do you have?”), their child will be self-assured when explaining and sharing their story and what they do know. Parents can help children discern whether to give an abbreviated or more detailed explanation, modeling and practicing both conversations. This proactive approach benefits children during social interactions and equips them with the resilience to handle playground inquiries or other social interactions.
Family Dynamics Essential Reads
An important resource
Utilizing resources such as children’s books specifically designed to explain donor conception simply and gently can be incredibly helpful to parents. For instance, Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story caters to children’s understanding of all family types and offers relatable narratives that children can easily grasp. It can assist parents with finding the most inclusive and honest words to model the conversations with others. It is the only children’s book that includes curiosity about and potential relationships with half-siblings and donors. It can assist parents from every family type with talking about, embracing, and normalizing these conversations, curiosities, and potential relationships. It even includes workbook pages so that children can personalize their books with drawings, words, and photos.
Empowerment
Empowering donor-conceived children through early, honest conversations about their origins is a fundamental aspect of nurturing their self-confidence and identity development. By framing these discussions positively and modeling them consistently—both at home and in public—the parents can equip their children with the tools they need to embrace and articulate their unique stories. With thoughtful guidance, families can create an open, supportive environment that affirms a child’s identity, enabling them to navigate social interactions with pride and assurance. This proactive approach is key to fostering a sense of belonging and security in donor-conceived children as they grow and interact with the world around them.
