Yes, our parents cheated. Just like our parents don’t let it define them, we don’t let it define us, either. But it’s inevitable: our parent’s infidelity shapes the way we love and approach relationships, in a big way.
Trust issues. Suspicion, out of nowhere. Cynicism. Forgiveness. Building walls. These are all too familiar for us and will be forever because one of the people we are supposed to trust the most in life broke it. These are the ways children of a cheating parent love differently.
Here are ten ways adult children of a cheating parent love differently:
1. It’s hard for us to accept love
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For us, or you. And it’s not going to be. Yes, we’ve moved on. All is forgiven. But that doesn’t make anything any easier. It’s always going to be hard for us to love, to be loved. And if you can’t handle that, you’re not worth our time.
2. It’s hard for us to trust
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We watched the first example of what a marriage is supposed to look like crumble right in front of us. Getting us to trust you is going to be difficult. You have to earn our trust. You have to earn us. One Eastern Illinois University study states that trust is vital to a relationship.
3. It’s hard for us to let our guard down completely
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Even if we trust you, there will always be a part of us that doesn’t trust you completely. And it’s not you. It’s us.
We don’t trust anyone completely, because we were let down by the person we’re supposed to trust with our lives. We’ll ask you to go through your phone and your social media messages.
But it’s not your fault. It’s because we need reminders that we can trust you.
4. It’s hard for us to let people in
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It feels like all I’ve been doing is building walls so high around my heart, I wonder if it’s even possible for someone to take them down. I think I forgot how to let people in.
Get a (metaphorical) hammer, because you’ll have to break down all of our walls. They’re well-built and made to ward off damage from any terrible storm, harsh winds, or heartbreak.
5. It’s hard for us to express what we want
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If we say we don’t want flowers, send us flowers anyway. Show up at our place without warning, just to say hi.
Tell us that you missed us five minutes after you left us. Give us help when we don’t ask for it — when we don’t even need it. Love is show and tell. The only way to love someone like us is open and proud.
6. It’s hard for us to accept words at face-value
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“I love you” means something to us. But not on its own. We recognize effort. When you show us how committed you are, we’ll trust you more.
We’ll know the spark isn’t fizzling. We might think it is sometimes, but then you give us a reason to forget about our second thoughts.
7. It’s hard for us to be vulnerable
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We will always have second thoughts. But that’s just our past, haunting us. Vulnerability is terrifying, but it’s the only way to get everything you want in life. Research from 2022 confirms that being vulnerable can lead to a healthy relationship.
8. It’s hard for us to admit how scared we are
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We don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you we’re not confident. Just have to understand it’s a part of us.
Our past doesn’t mean we love you any less. In fact, we love you even more every day for sticking around — we know how difficult we can be at times.
We had to unlearn a lot, like the idea that we’re unlovable because of our past. The only thing that matters is the future, and what you do with your past today.
9. It’s hard for us to forgive
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We don’t hate our parents for cheating. Love is love. Family is family. More than anything, we just want parents who love us, even if they aren’t the perfect people.
Yes, we’ve had hard times, but we’ve moved on because we had to. If you’re honest with us, we’ll forgive you. You might not know that due to our trust issues, but when we love, we love unconditionally.
10. It’s hard for us to be fully optimistic
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It’s just more reasonable for us to be selective about our optimism. We get excited about things and get our hopes up, but we can also be realistic about life when it matters.
Carrie Wittmer is a writer and freelance editor. She writes about film, television, fashion, celebrity, culture, beauty, and works as the senior features editor for L’Officiel
