Do you consider yourself to be a “low-maintenance” kind of person? Does your relationship seem to require very little effort to maintain?
Perhaps it’s time to consider the true nature of what low maintenance means. Is the concept of “low maintenance” factual or a myth that we’ve accepted because we’re maybe just a bit lazy?
Here’s why being in a low-maintenance relationship is a huge red flag:
1. Being low maintenance is a veneer
I used to think of myself as a very “low maintenance” woman — and on the surface, I truly appeared to be just that. I was happy with simple things, I loved being in nature and didn’t mind getting my hands a little dirty. I was easy-going, up for anything, and (bonus!) I could get ready to go in a flash.
My late husband would also have been classified as “low-maintenance”. Steady, calm, very slow to anger, patient, and got along with everyone. Everyone who knew us would probably have described us as compatible, and admittedly, our relationship was — for the most part — what would be viewed as low maintenance.
We were best buds, enjoyed doing the same things, were deeply intimate, and rarely fought. A study in the Marriage & Family Review helps show how the reality was we were not ideologically low-maintenance.
2. Being low maintenance makes people too compromising
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There was a lot of compromising — maybe too much —because we both abhorred confrontation and could be lazy about “talking it out.” It was easier to sweep issues under the rug than to argue, and I typically would apologize just to ease any tension (whether I felt I was wrong or not), as described in a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, and it was like pulling teeth trying to get him to explain why he was unhappy — he usually needed several days to figure out what was bothering him. In the meantime, I would assume I had done something wrong and obsess. Sometimes, I’d pick a fight just to get him to react.
3. Being low maintenance also means putting in low effort
I finally realized neither of us was the ‘low maintenance’ person we originally thought. The Gottman Institute helps show how we were as influenced by attachment as any couple. I needed a lot of attention and soothing, and he needed a lot of coaxing to communicate. The point is — yes — for the majority of the time, we had an “easy” relationship, but we did have to work at it.
We had to put in the time and the often painful effort (and still, sometimes, we got it wrong). What kept us together was NOT just love. We were committed and willing — albeit sometimes grudgingly — to talk about what was irritating us so we could come to a compromise … or let it go.
Psychologist Stan Tatkin, dating coach Sue Mandel, and counselor/dating Coach Samantha Burns‘ opinions are diverse (and maybe even a bit shocking!) Watch it twice to get a feel for what they’re saying it takes to have a successful relationship (whether or not it’s ‘low maintenance’).
Think it’s still possible to be “low maintenance” — even after years of being together and changing as a couple? Check out what our experts have to say.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.
