I tell my counseling clients that it is expected to put in some work for any relationship to flourish. We all navigate differences, tackle misunderstandings, and sometimes make extra efforts to meet each other’s needs. But how do we know when we’re putting in too much work—when what we’re giving goes beyond healthy compromise and heads into territory that drains us?
In Why Can’t You Read My Mind, my book on relationships, I outline a simple gauge to assess relationship strain called the “3-D Effect.” Think of it as three stages of how the weight of a relationship can escalate over time: distraction, distance, and disconnection. Understanding these phases can help you notice whether your work is about bridging manageable differences or whether it’s a signal that something far more profound and potentially harmful is going on. First, look at some examples of couples putting in work with a small “w” versus couples putting in work with a capital “W.”
Working With a Small “w”—Navigating Healthy Efforts
Let’s clarify what “working” with a small “w” can look like. Healthy work includes accepting stylistic differences, managing disagreements, and compromising on routine decisions. For instance, Bella and Matt, who have been together for a few years, struggle with typical “small-w” issues. Bella prefers a lot of planning, while Matt is more spontaneous. They sometimes clash over how to spend their weekends, but, ultimately, they try to meet in the middle. These efforts are often constructive, helping both partners to learn, compromise, and grow.
Similarly, consider Mike and Jenna, a couple with differing communication styles. Jenna likes to process things immediately, whereas Mike needs time before discussing anything complicated. Working with these differences might mean making minor adjustments rather than expecting drastic changes. Efforts like this can sometimes be taxing but generally lead to positive outcomes, helping each partner feel heard and respected.
The Big “W”—When Relationship Work Becomes Harmful
In contrast, there’s “Work” with a capital “W,” where one partner may start shouldering efforts that tolerate unacceptable behavior, like character assaults, emotional manipulation, or even forms of abuse. These are signs that the relationship demands work that’s too burdensome for one person to handle alone.
Take Lisa, for example, who has been with her partner Damian for several years. Damian often criticizes her appearance and even makes her feel guilty for expressing her needs. At first, Lisa thought these were things she could adjust to, but she’s since realized that she’s losing confidence and feels increasingly anxious around Damian. Despite her efforts, she senses a consistent pattern of belittling behavior.
Or consider Alessandro, who constantly apologizes in his relationship with Jamie, who regularly questions his intentions and blames him for nearly every disagreement. Jamie’s behavior feels manipulative and unbalanced, confusing Alessandro and even making him doubt his perspective. This type of dynamic is beyond typical relationship work; it’s emotional manipulation that drains one person’s energy and erodes self-worth. In such cases, the effort Alessandro is putting in is not only unreciprocated but also harmful.
The 3-D Effect: Distraction, Distance, and Disconnection
The 3-D Effect provides insight into understanding when the weight of a relationship (more than likely filled with a lot of capital “W”s) overwhelms you. Here’s how the three Ds break down:
- Distraction: At this stage, issues in the relationship start to distract you from other areas of life. You’re often preoccupied with what’s happening or replaying conflicts in your mind. Instead of feeling energized, you feel scattered or unfocused.
- Distance: Emotional distance develops when problems aren’t addressed constructively. You might feel less inclined to share parts of your life with your partner, or you sense that your emotional connection is eroding. You no longer feel close, even though you’re technically together.
- Disconnection: If emotional distance continues, complete disconnection can follow. This stage leaves you feeling more like roommates than partners, and the foundation of your relationship feels shaky. You might feel like you’re holding on for the sake of it rather than a genuine bond.
If you’re experiencing these three Ds, it may be time to ask whether you’re working too hard to make the relationship work and, more importantly, whether that effort is emotionally safe and healthy.
Leading With Empathy, Focusing on Strengths
Even when navigating “small-w” work, relationships flourish when empathy leads. Consider what brought you together, and aim to rekindle that energy when addressing challenges. Focus less on cataloging each issue and more on what’s already working. Instead of nitpicking, focus on strengths and celebrate wins, whether in how well you listen, the support you offer each other, or the laughs you share.
Relationships Essential Reads
For instance, rather than fixating on how often Alessandro and Jamie disagree, Alessandro could emphasize their shared love of traveling. These positive points aren’t meant to overlook problems but to remind both partners why they value the relationship in the first place. By finding what’s strong, you reinforce the foundation while navigating differences.
Knowing When Enough Is Enough
There is, of course, an essential caveat: No one should feel obliged to tolerate emotional or physical abuse, which more likely rears its ugly head in relationships laden with big “W”s. If you recognize manipulative behaviors, gaslighting, or consistent character attacks, it’s likely beyond the level of healthy relationship work. These issues don’t just resolve themselves, and addressing them often requires help from a qualified mental health clinician who can offer guidance on establishing boundaries and, if necessary, safely leaving the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Not all “work” is equal in relationships. Healthy relationships require effort, but there’s a line between nourishing connection and simply tolerating harm. Learning to distinguish between small-“w” work and the burdensome capital-“W” work can help you understand when the relationship is genuinely worth nurturing—and when it’s time to seek a different path for your well-being.
