Imagine that you buy an item for $200 and tell your partner it was only $100. Harmless—or harmful?
It depends. Did you push the limits or go over a budget you two agreed on? Did you do it to get even for that expensive camera he bought recently? Do you routinely say you spent less than you did? Or it is a little wink-wink game you two play that doesn’t hurt your budget?
In short, it depends on the situation and whom you ask. Couples therapists don’t always agree about when to tell and when to keep silent. After all, coming clean has two possible outcomes: the start of a newer, more intimate relationship or the death of a relationship that can’t sustain what may be revealed.
It’s best to understand why we keep secrets in order to understand how to deal with them, especially when your goal is the improvement of your relationship.
Where We Learn to Keep Secrets
It’s no surprise that secret-keeping, like most communication skills, tends to be learned in your family of origin. Often, we learn early on that certain information is for the public, certain info is only for the family, and certain info is never discussed at all.
In my experience, it’s the latter that tends to make the greatest impact on your future relationships. If, for example, your parents always changed the subject when a certain topic came up, you may avoid it yourself as an adult. Other possible cues include:
- Your parents’ body language changed (angry glances, avoiding eye contact, tense facial muscles) when certain topics were brought up.
- One parent always asked the same questions for reassurance (“Are things okay at work?”) and the other always gave routine answers (“Everything’s fine!”).
- One of your parents told you not to tell the other something for fear of upsetting him or her.
- One parent always walked out of the room when a certain topic came up.
Why We Keep Secrets
As adults, we keep secrets from our partners for a variety of reasons, including:
- Fearing the consequences: If you tell, your partner may leave you.
- Protection: The secret could hurt your partner, so you keep silent for their protection.
- Independence: It gives you a sense of power to know something your partner doesn’t know.
- Avoidance: If you don’t talk about something problematic, you can avoid dealing with the unpleasantness around it.
- Shame: The underlying emotion in much secret-keeping, shame keeps us from revealing something to someone we love for fear of disgrace, embarrassment, and loss of respect.
Whatever the reason, keeping a secret is almost always a huge burden requiring vast quantities of energy. It can become a habit, a way of dealing with uncomfortable things. In any close relationship, it almost certainly will build a wall between you and your partner.
Should You Tell?
Consider telling your secret if…
- The secret affects your partner’s ability to make important decisions. For example, he or she is planning a vacation with money you’ve already secretly spent.
- The secret affects your partner’s health or well-being. For example, you’ve had an affair and may have an STD. Or you’ve secretly quit your job and now both of you are without health insurance—only he doesn’t know it.
- The secret affects your health. For example, you experience a recurring rapid heartbeat, your blood pressure goes up, or you have frequent stomach problems or headaches.
- The secret is creating an obvious barrier to closeness. For example, imagine your partner is staunchly anti-abortion. You had an abortion long before you met him and have never revealed it for fear that he will see you differently. It hasn’t affected your fertility and yet you always wonder: Would he still love me if he knew?
Timing is Everything
If you’ve held a secret for years, don’t suddenly ambush your partner. Make sure:
- Neither of you is stressed or upset about something else when you approach your partner.
- Both of you are sober. Just as drinking and driving is a deadly combo, so too can be drinking and secret-telling
- You have time to discuss. Don’t start the dialogue before bed or when you are getting ready to go to work.
Start the Dialogue
Telling a long-hidden secret requires good communication skills. If your goal is for the relationship and not just an unburdening of your own guilt, you’re already headed in the right direction. So how do you convey that to your partner?
- Start with a simple clear statement. “I need to tell you something I’ve kept from you. I’m telling you because I realize I’ve created a barrier between us. I love you and I am sorry.”
- Take responsibility. Say, “I had an affair because I needed attention. I apologize.” Don’t say, “I had an affair because you were ignoring me.”
- Don’t rationalize. Say, “I shouldn’t have dipped into the retirement fund behind your back.” Don’t say, “I shouldn’t have taken money out of our future funds but I figured we’re both going to be working at least 10 more years so we can make it up.”
- Don’t invoke your right to privacy. Say, “I shouldn’t have concealed my shopping problem from you.” Don’t say, “I shouldn’t have spent so much shopping—but I shouldn’t have to tell you about everything I buy.”
- Offer to answer questions. Say, “I’m willing to tell you as much—or little—as you want to know in order to bring closure.” Don’t say, “I will tell you what I think you need to know.”
Relationships Essential Reads
If you absolutely cannot start the conversation on your own, consider using a therapist or pastor to facilitate the dialogue
What Comes Next?
Coming clean doesn’t come with a guarantee. The strength of your relationship before coming clean will undoubtedly influence the outcome. But many couples have gone on to satisfying lives together after a major disclosure. Of course, if you live your life openly and honestly, you won’t need to keep secrets.
