Acts of Kindness Can Counter Disconnection and Distress

Source: Liz Roemer / used with permission

By Lizabeth Roemer, Ph.D., and Josh Bartok

It is natural and human to have a negative response when we witness, learn about, or are the recipients of indifference, harm, or dehumanization. Often, when we have these experiences, we may have a strong urge to respond with anger or dehumanize others. Similarly, when we feel hopeless due to repeated examples of harm, indifference, or violent public rhetoric, we may quite naturally feel the urge to withdraw or isolate.

Honoring our emotional responses and urges is essential, and we do this by noticing and acknowledging them as they arise, turning toward them as if to touch them gently. “I see you, anger,” we might say inwardly, “and I honor your companionship.” The companionship of such emotions may motivate important actions that help us to assert our or others’ needs and rights.

And yet, when we instinctively react instead of choosing intentional actions, these urges can lead us to actions that leave us trapped in a darkening cycle, even more cut off inwardly and outwardly. One way to reduce this negative impact is to engage in what is referred to within dialectical behavior therapy as opposite action. When we notice painful actions or inactions from others and impulses in ourselves to shut down or lash out, we can consider engaging in intentional acts of kindness in order to promote a sense of care and connection, to reduce how overwhelming our other natural emotions are.

The suggestion here is not to replace our natural emotional responses, but to add to them, to respond to them, with acts of kindness that we choose and are meaningful to us. This can allow us to experience a more expansive sense of shared humanity and to act from this expansive place, rather than a more narrow, reactive place. In fact, an experimental study found that intentional acts of kindness significantly increased reports of social connection while also reducing anxious and depressive symptoms (Cregg & Cheavens, 2022).

Direct responses of kindness

One kindness strategy to consider when you notice you are reacting to acts of cruelty, harm, or indifference is to select an action you can do directly in response to the situation to which you are reacting. You might donate to or volunteer for a group that is working to benefit the people you see being harmed, engage in activism to promote justice and human rights, or do something kind or generous for a member of the group or the individual you witnessed being harmed (including when that person is you). Also, consider these suggestions for radical healing that provide some wise guidance for collective responses to racial trauma.

Expanding our attention to others

Similarly, when we notice that our minds, hearts, and souls are overcome by witnessing pain and suffering, we can intentionally turn our attention to any humans in our lives (those we are close to or those we just happen to encounter in our days) and engage in intentional, small acts of kindness. Intentionally holding the door (and also holding open your heart!) for someone who is racing to their next appointment, genuinely smiling at the person who checks out our groceries, or bringing baked goods to share at a meeting or class not only improves the experience of those around us but also positively impacts our own experience and sense of connection.

Recently, when I noticed my mind was busy with thoughts of the harmful words and actions of others, I decided to text a few friends I don’t see enough during busy times to share with them my appreciation of their wisdom and generosity and the impacts they’ve had on me. As I did, I took a moment to hope this gratitude reflection was of benefit or comfort to them. I also knew that it helped me to expand my perspective to include the tremendous kindness and generosity I witness and receive in my life as well as the pain-causing events. The often-quoted advice from Mr. Rogers to “look for the helpers” during a catastrophe is another way of expanding our awareness in difficult times so that it includes gratitude for (and, if we choose, acts of kindness toward) those who help when others are struggling.

Developing regular habits of kindness

If you find acts of kindness helpful, you may want to make them a regular part of your daily or weekly practice so that you consistently have caring interactions that can help you to effectively weather the more trying interactions that inevitably arise by choosing meaningful ways of responding. You can brainstorm a list of small acts of kindness, choose one a day or three a week, and regularly engage in them. Send a funny meme to a friend you don’t see regularly, check in on someone you know is struggling, smile at a stranger, attend a vigil or a rally, write a letter of support for a cause you care about, or share a treat with a coworker. There are countless small ways to be kind that can generate a sense of shared humanity and connection.

Random acts of kindness toward yourself can help, too!

Importantly, try not to add meanness to or criticism of yourself to the other harms you’re taking in. As much as possible, practice engaging in kindness toward yourself again and again as another opposite action to the indifference and harm you’re experiencing. Consider engaging in one act of kindness toward yourself each day or several each week, and see if you can develop that habit as well!

Remember that all of these suggestions are in addition to feeling what you feel and choosing actions that assert your and others’ rights and needs. Stretching yourself to also be kind and generous to others in your life will make you more able to do this effectively and with clarity of purpose.

Josh Bartok is a contemplative photographer and life coach. He is the author of two children’s books and several collections of inspiring quotes.