According to a Newport Institute study on male friendships, a large percentage of straight cis-gender men struggle to maintain healthy connections with friends due to societal pressures against vulnerability and an urge to prioritize romantic relationships.
While this tendency isn’t true for all men, and certainly doesn’t keep everyone from maintaining healthy friendships, there are some quiet behaviors of men who have no close friends, and struggle with societal pressures that influence isolation and lacking community amongst many men in their daily lives.
Here are 9 quiet behaviors of men who have no close friends
1. They cultivate dependent romantic relationships
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Men’s social circles are shrinking at an alarming rate, at least according to a survey conducted by the Survey Center on American Life. Only 1 in 5 men have received emotional support from a male friend recently, compared to women who boast higher rates of connection. Especially for men in romantic relationships, this desire for connection and companionship can misguidedly fall on their partners, who might be yearning for time away with their friends just as often.
This tendency to forgo the pursuit of new friendships and instead invest all of that energy back into a partner might seem healthy in the beginning, but it can spark feelings of codependency and resentment in the long run.
2. They live at home longer
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Especially for younger generations of men today, who are struggling with financial stability and societal pressures to become a “provider” even amid higher rates of debt, soaring costs, and an insecure job market, most spend much more time living at home with their parents than on their own.
While it might not be a direct choice, many have no other option; without the transition from friendship to roommate, they often don’t have the means to live on their own or purchase a place without additional streams of income.
While research from the Newport Institute suggests close family relationships are incredibly important for men seeking connection, they surely don’t replace the peer companionship and support of close male friendships, crafting a toxic cycle of isolation for men yearning for a community.
3. They struggle with expressing emotions and vulnerability
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According to personal development coach James Michael Sama, many men struggle to harness the power of emotional intelligence, often at no fault of their own.
Societal pressures, even today, condemn many men who openly share and show their difficult emotions, stress, and anxiety. Without the shared connection and trust of a close male friendship, they bottle up their emotions over a misguided expectation of hyper-masculinity that shuts the door to companionship even further closed.
When men struggle to go deeper under the surface of a persona of masculinity and acknowledge their emotions, they also struggle to maintain healthy connections that truly add purpose, value, and community in their life.
4. They self-isolate during stressful situations
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Another one of the more prevalent quiet behaviors of men who have no close friends is their tendency to retreat when stress or intense emotions get too intense to hide. Without the habitual nature of asking for help or leaning on friends, they instead try to hide.
According to Robert Garfield, a psychiatrist and the author of “Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship,” men who struggle with emotional intimacy will isolate themselves when things get tough, especially in the times when they need the most help and support.
5. They struggle with active listening
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Many men without close friends struggle with active listening, especially when something directly contradicts their identity and, more specifically, their beliefs, values or morals. In “defensive mode,” protecting against what’s perceived to be a threat to their identity, they put up a wall and selectively hear, ready to respond.
Without the practice of vulnerability and compromise in close friendships, they struggle to flex the muscle of active listening, which is largely a hard skill to master, as the average person only retains around 25% of information from conversations, according to research from the Harvard Business Review.
As a complex and inherently intertwined cycle of hyper-masculinity, lacking vulnerability, and communication practice, many men without close friends are left behind.
6. They’re overly competitive
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While competition can be healthy, the tendency for men to be pressured into a certain level of competitiveness from a young age often sparks an inherent sense of insecurity — an inner monologue that’s always suggesting you can be and do better.
This same competitive edge is nearly impossible to unlearn, and can oftentimes compromise and deflect the nature of truly healthy close friendships, especially with other men. It even becomes a hindrance to connection, actively pushing away support, empathy, and mutual respect in an effort to assert superiority.
7. They rely on unhealthy vices
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Without the connection and camaraderie of close friendships, many men fall into a cycle of isolation that negatively impacts their daily life, routine, and mental health. AÂ 2016 study driven by epidemiologist Nicole Valtorta argues that loneliness isn’t just a symptom of the brain, but has harmful physical consequences like a 30% increase in the risk of stroke and other diseases.
Especially without encouragement from friends, these lonely men fall into unhealthy habits, including vices that simultaneously put their health and well-being at risk. They might be subtle in public, but at home they’re adding to the levels of depression, anxiety, insomnia, and stress they ultimately feel as a result of their lacking inner circle.
8. They exclusively do ‘activity dates’ with friends
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Research from Friendship and Social Interaction argues that women are more likely to be “face-to-face” on outings with their friends, where men tend to be “side-to-side.” Women can spend an entire get-together bonding, talking, and engaging in conversation, while men tend to do an activity like going to a sporting event or seeing a movie where there’s no space for conversation.
This cycle of detached, surface-level interaction is not just one of the quiet behaviors of men who have no close friends; it’s keeping them from taking acquaintances to the next vulnerable level.
9. They’re workaholics
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While many of the nuances of connecting with other men and maintaining healthy relationships are incredibly complex, with roots in societal expectation and vulnerability, some men without close friendships simply don’t prioritize it.
They may throw themselves into work, “freeload” off their partner’s social circles, or even forget to return calls or texts from friends, keeping them from crafting their own tight-knit inner circle. The pressures of becoming a provider or harnessing a successful career are largely more prioritized, simply because they’re more socially recognized and celebrated for men.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.
