Are you struggling to make an emotional connection with your man? Even though you know he’s a good guy, you never seem to know what’s going on with him. You don’t understand what he’s thinking, and you spin about why he won’t share what’s going on with him.
There are many reasons why he won’t let you in and most of them have nothing to do with you. You want to see if you can figure out the cause and determine if he cannot be emotionally authentic or tied to your relationship dynamics. Discovering the root cause of the problem will give you the information you need to decide whether to stay or go.
Here are 6 disturbingly common reasons men won’t let a woman in emotionally:
1. He’s not emotionally available for a relationship.
He could be emotionally unavailable for any number of reasons: addiction, emotional immaturity, defensiveness, withdrawal, or passivity. Research from 2017 states that attachment disorders typically stem from childhood. Whatever the reason, it’s impossible to create emotional intimacy with a man who isn’t open to it.
You have control over what you think, feel, and do but you cannot control what he thinks, feels, or does. Make sure you’re not twisting into a pretzel trying to get him to let you in.
Why won’t he let you in? Because he’s not available for an emotionally intimate relationship.
2. He doesn’t see the relationship lasting long-term
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The bad news is he could just be in it for companionship and convenience. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or find you attractive. It just means that he enjoys spending time with you but doesn’t see a future with you.
A man who wants a relationship with you will make the effort to move the relationship forward. He’ll plan dates in the future, introduce you to his friends and family, and he’ll be curious about you, so he’ll know how to make you happier.
There’s nothing wrong with a convenient relationship as long as you both agree that’s all it is. If you want more and he doesn’t, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship.
Why won’t he let you in? Because he likes you but doesn’t see a future with you.
3. He’s conflict-avoidant
Many people are uncomfortable with conflict and go to extreme measures to avoid upsetting their partner. They avoid difficult conversations and don’t share what they’re thinking because they’re afraid of being rejected or of causing a disagreement.
Avoiding conflict creates emotional disconnection, it may seem like the relationship is stale. Not speaking up about what’s bothering you will cause you to emotionally withdraw, which makes it difficult for your partner to connect with you. When differences are approached with care and conscious communication you can create a much deeper connection and an emotional bond between the two of you.
Why won’t he let you in? Because he’s afraid of conflict and withholding his opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
4. He feels judged, criticized, or pressured
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It’s common for people to close themselves off if they feel judged or criticized. While you believe you’re being helpful, he’s closing off because he feels like he’s being pressured to be different.
He may believe that nothing he does is good enough for you or may not know how to please you leaving him perplexed about which action to take. If he feels judged, then he could get defensive or stonewall you, and give you vague answers that don’t reveal what’s really going on with him. Stonewalling, according to research from the Gottman Institute, is one of the biggest relationship killers.
Why won’t he let you in? Because he doesn’t know how to please you.
5. He’s not looking for advice
There’s a reason for the cliché that men don’t ask for directions. Call it pride or just a desire to figure it out on their own, many men close off when they hear you giving them advice about how to live their life or take care of themselves.
Or he may internalize your advice to mean that you don’t trust him to make the right decisions. He may believe that you perceive him as weak or incapable.
His closing off to your advice could be a symptom of toxic masculinity or insecurity, or he could just bristle at unsolicited advice. If he feels like he’s being told how to live his life, he won’t feel safe seeking your counsel.
Why won’t he let you in? Because doesn’t believe that you trust him to take care of things.
6. He’s not in touch with his emotions
Many men had their feelings invalidated when they were boys. Often being told to “act like a man” and put their feelings aside.
Because of this conditioning, they’re not in touch with their emotional life. When you ask a man raised this way how he feels, he will look at you with a blank expression — he literally can’t answer the question.
If he doesn’t know how he feels, then he’s not going to be able to share his feelings with you. Emotional connection requires that you both are emotionally authentic.
Why won’t he let you in? Because he’s not in touch with his emotions and therefore can’t identify or express his feelings. Create a safe space for him to be vulnerable.
Getting past these hurdles is difficult and it’s not up to you to get him to let you in, however, you can create an environment where he feels safe to open up and be vulnerable to you. Many men want to talk about their feelings more, but they need the right environment to be emotionally expressive.
It’s important to find a balance between both your needs and wants. Make sure that you’re not sacrificing for him. Your needs can’t be less important or valuable than his.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.
