Navigating relationships with parents can be incredibly tricky, especially for adult children who had challenging childhoods. Many grew up envying their friends with more picture-perfect upbringings.
According to Morgan Pommells, a child trauma specialist on Instagram, those jealous feelings are normal. In validating their feelings, she explained that there are childhood experiences that these adult children simply missed out on that were integral to their development. “They’re experiences I wish I could give to everyone,” she said in a recent post.
Pommells compiled a list of the five experiences missing from childhood trauma survivors’ youths that she wished she could provide for them.
Here are 5 experiences that a childhood trauma specialist wishes she could give to every person who grew up with challenging parents:
1. An annual ‘mom and me’ outing on a school day:
This tradition sparks happy memories for kids who have a healthy relationship with their mom, but not everyone is so lucky.
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Pommells described the scene in her post, writing, “An annual tradition where your mom pulls you out of school for a ‘mom and me day.’ The first time she arrives at your classroom, you look up, puzzled, and ask her why she’s there.”
“She holds out her hand and simply says, ‘I just missed you.’”
This tradition, combined with the “missing you” sentiment, is foundational for parent-child relationships. Not only does it help to make children feel loved and validated, it starts to build their inner self-esteem and cement confidence that follows them as they grow up.
2. A parent saving you from an uncomfortable situation, ‘no questions asked’
Childhood trauma can occur when kids simply don’t feel like they have parents they can rely on in any situation — even if it’s a situation they shouldn’t have put themselves in to begin with.
Imagine the scenario where you’re at a high school party you weren’t supposed to go to, and you can’t get home. A healthy parent-child relationship means no matter where you are or what time it is, your mom or dad prioritizes your safety.
Pommells described, “A Dad who answers your 3 a.m. phone call when you’re scared and uncomfortable at a party. You use your agreed-upon no-questions-asked code word that signals something is wrong and you want to come home.”
She added, “He responds with ‘I love you, stay put, I’ll be right there.'”
That’s the hallmark of a great relationship with your parents — no matter what happens, you can trust them to always be there.
3. A weekend family tradition
Pommells painted the picture as, “A Sunday ritual with your preferred parent — whether it’s fishing, watching cartoons, baking cookies. It doesn’t matter…You laugh together over silly jokes that don’t make sense, you look up at them and realize you’ll forever be tethered to something far bigger than yourself.”
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This kind of love and connection is the foundation for all your relationships moving forward.
4. A photo album filled with childhood memories
“A photo album filled with baby photos and handwritten notes documenting your first big moments. On one of the pages, a faded line describes the day they brought you home from the hospital: ‘Brought baby home today. Life has forever changed.”
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Pommells explained that seeing these important parts of life from your parents’ perspectives can help you recognize how much love and joy you have brought them.
They celebrated you — and brought you into their lives — documenting every step of the journey.
5. A father-daughter dance
You deserve a father, a parent, that shows you love without restraint. “A father who eagerly joins you on the dance floor for your father-daughter dance at your wedding, his face glowing with pride.”
“As your chosen song begins, he whispers how proud he is and that he promises to always be there for you,” Pommells continued. “No part of you even thinks to question if he actually will be.”
Whether it’s a daddy-daughter dance in elementary school or a sentimental dance on your wedding day, you deserve someone who shows up for you, gives you the attention that you deserve, and is happy to do it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer who focuses on health & wellness, psychology, social policy, and human interest stories.
