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Most research on the romantic relationships of people with personality disorders has focused on the difficulties these individuals face in their relationships. For example, studies have shown that people with personality disorder symptoms tend to be less satisfied with their relationships.
More specifically, both borderline and narcissistic traits are related to lower satisfaction. Even more troubling is research showing that violence is more likely to occur in a relationship where one person shows personality disorder pathology.
However, this research has not addressed the question of what types of people end up in relationships with individuals with personality disorders. New research by Katherine Lucas and colleagues, just published in the journal, Personality and Individual Differences, explores the personality traits of women who have had relationships with men who have personality disorders.
Despite the difficulties that can arise in their relationships, people with personality disorders can find romantic partners and remain in romantic relationships. The ability of people with personality disorders to attract partners is well-documented. For example, upon first meeting and early in a relationship, people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to be perceived as outgoing, fun, and charming.
The negative side of narcissism doesn’t become apparent until later in the relationship. If personality disorders tend to create more problems over time, people may begin relationships with these individuals without major problems, only to see difficulties arise later, after they have already committed to the relationship.
What the Study Found
In their study, Lucas and colleagues recruited 601 women from a website targeted at women recovering from harm or trauma due to relationships with men who have personality disorders. The women rated their romantic partners’ personalities on several questionnaires designed to measure borderline, antisocial, and narcissistic personality disorder, in order to determine that the women in the study did, in fact, have partners with personality disorders. Note that this doesn’t mean their partners necessarily had received a diagnosis of a personality disorder, and the reports of the male partners’ disordered traits did not come from the men themselves.
The women also rated their own personality on the Big 5 personality traits: agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, and neuroticism. The researchers then compared the personalities of the women in the sample to community norms for these same personality questionnaires.
The most striking finding was that the women who were in relationships with men with narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline personality traits tended to be more agreeable than the average woman. Agreeableness is the tendency to be kind and cooperative and try to get along with others. Not surprisingly, this is a trait that’s usually associated with good relationship functioning because agreeable people are more forgiving and generally put more effort into maintaining their relationships.
Why Do Agreeable People End Up in Personality-Disordered Relationships?
We can only speculate as to why women in relationships with men with personality disorders were especially agreeable. One possibility raised by the authors is that this occurs precisely because agreeable people tend to work harder at maintaining their relationships. When problems stemming from the partner’s personality disorder become apparent, agreeable women try to make things work, rather than abandoning the relationship.
There was also a tendency for women who were conscientious (i.e., reliable, practical) to be in relationships with men with personality disorders. Both agreeableness and conscientiousness are related to greater relationship commitment, suggesting that these traits may make individuals more prone to staying in relationships, even when problems arise. However, it is also possible that those who were more agreeable or conscientious were more likely to enter relationships with men who have personality disorders.
In addition to the general tendency for these women to be more agreeable and conscientious, there were several different personality profiles that emerged among women in the sample. One subgroup was especially introverted and especially low in openness (while also being high in agreeableness and conscientiousness). This suggests a person who may have difficulty putting themselves out there socially and trying new things.
Personality Disorders Essential Reads
A second subgroup was especially high in neuroticism (i.e., the tendency to be anxious and moody), extraversion, and openness. A third group was high in neuroticism, but lower in both extraversion and conscientiousness.
And then there was a fourth group showing the opposite pattern—high extraversion and conscientiousness with low neuroticism. This suggests that there are many types of people who are likely to find themselves in a relationship with those with personality disorders.
While the authors did not find differences in the personality profiles of women who were in relationships with men who exhibited different kinds of personality disorders, it is possible that some of these personality profiles predict entering relationships with personality-disordered men and other profiles better predict the likelihood of remaining in such relationships long-term.
Limitations and Further Research
While this research provides some intriguing results, it is far from the definitive word on what kind of women are more likely to have romantic partnerships with men who have personality disorders.
First, it is important to note that the website from which participants were recruited was a website focused on relational harm and trauma, arising from being in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Thus, it attracted a sample of women with especially negative relationship experiences. Other women who are in relationships with personality-disordered men who have more positive experiences may have different personality traits.
Second, the study examined only a limited set of characteristics. While the Big 5 personality traits are important for understanding personality, other characteristics such as self-esteem or attachment anxiety may also play a role.
Finally, this study only examined women who have relationships with men. It leaves open the question about the personality characteristics of other groups, including individuals who have relationships with women with personality disorders.
