Watching your adult child grow distant or even hostile can be heartbreaking as a parent. Many parents I coach come to me feeling deeply hurt and confused, wondering what went wrong and how they can repair their bond with their child.
These behaviors often leave parents trapped between a rock and a hard place, whether unprovoked anger, dismissive comments, or outright meanness. They want to support their child, but they’re also hurt and, in many cases, feeling disrespected.
In my experience as a parent coach, I’ve seen that when parents respond calmly, firmly, and empathetically, they can gradually shift the dynamics—even in the most challenging situations. Drawing from principles in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I’ll share practical strategies to help you navigate these situations and foster a more respectful, compassionate relationship with your adult child.
1. Stay Calm and Grounded, Even When It Hurts
When your adult child lashes out or acts unkindly, the natural reaction is to defend yourself or withdraw. However, acting on these impulses often reinforces the negative cycle. Take, for instance, Lisa, a mom in her 50s whose daughter Tessa frequently criticizes her, calling her “controlling” or “old-fashioned.” When Tessa’s words sting, Lisa has learned to pause, take a deep breath, and resist the urge to snap back. Instead, she acknowledges her feelings and reminds herself that getting drawn into an argument won’t help.
This practice—pausing and staying calm—gives you the power to remain centered and in control. Remember that while you can’t control your child’s words or actions, you can control your response. Your calmness can defuse the situation, creating a space for healthier communication.
2. Be Firm and Set Boundaries, but Avoid Being Controlling
Adult children often perceive even well-intentioned guidance as judgmental or intrusive. Instead of issuing advice or instructions, focus on calmly setting boundaries and sticking to them. For example, if your son Kyle has a habit of calling you only when he’s upset, lashing out, and venting his frustrations, set a boundary around how these conversations unfold.
You could say, “Kyle, I’m here for you, but I want us to converse respectfully. If it turns into an attack, I must step away.” By framing your boundary as a way of protecting the conversation rather than controlling him, you’re less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to encourage respect.
When coaching parents, I encourage them to be “calm, firm, and non-controlling,” a strategy that’s especially helpful here. It’s about maintaining dignity and the relationship, even when lecturing or imposing one’s will is tempting.
3. Lead With Empathy and Listen Instead of Lecture
When parents feel hurt, it’s easy to fall into a lecturing role, trying to get the adult child to see how they’re behaving. But often, what your child needs is to feel understood. Take Jim, whose 25-year-old son Aidan rarely says anything positive and criticizes Jim’s life choices. Instead of defending himself, Jim responded with empathy: “Aidan, it sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure or frustration. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”
Leading with empathy doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior but taking a step back to understand the feelings behind it. Listening to understand rather than to counteract can shift the dynamic, creating opportunities for more respectful exchanges. Your child might still lash out, but they’ll feel less need to fight back if they know they’re being heard.
4. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion
Parental love can be both a blessing and a burden, especially when your adult child behaves unkindly. It’s crucial to take care of yourself emotionally so you’re not constantly feeling depleted. Focus on building your emotional resilience to face complex interactions from a place of strength, not desperation. One mom took up tennis to increase her social connections and not feel so wrapped up in her adult daughter’s drama.
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Carve out time for self-care, whether joining a support group, spending time with friends, or engaging in a hobby you love—practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you’re doing your best in a difficult situation.
5. Remember, Patience Is Key
Changing the dynamic with your adult child takes time, and it’s unlikely that you’ll see instant results. There will be days when you feel like things are improving and other days when you feel like nothing has changed. Focus on your calmness, firmness, and empathy, and remind yourself that real change takes time.
If your child’s behavior doesn’t improve over time, you may need professional help to address underlying issues. However, consistent, compassionate boundaries and listening often can lead to meaningful changes.
Takeaway Thoughts
As parents, you’re still the role model, even when your child is grown. Responding with calm, firm, and empathetic strength isn’t easy, but it sets a powerful example for your child and keeps you aligned with your values. Remember, the goal isn’t to change them directly but to change how you respond so that a healthier, more respectful relationship has room to grow.
