The one. The charm. The right one for you. Your soulmate. Whatever you call them, and however hard you try to find them, they still seem to be elusive.
And when you see all of those loving couples surrounded in a bubble of love, you can’t help but wonder, what am I doing wrong in trying to find my soul mate? Is there something they know about love, that I don’t?
In our latest YourTango Expert video (which you can watch above) Dr. Stan Tatkin — couple therapist and author of Wired For Dating — explains that finding the kind of love you’re looking for boils down to two words: Couple bubble.
If you want to find your soulmate, psychology says to look for the ‘couple bubble’ — and here’s why:
1. The relationship comes first
Think about those couples you’ve seen where both partners seem completely and utterly there for each other. They put each other first, which means they put their relationship first — even if it requires them to give something up for themselves.
Studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology demonstrate that they trust each other completely and can depend on one another. They seem to be a single unit. And very often, that’s what scares us from actually creating this kind of relationship. The bubble is intense!
2. The relationship enhances the self
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
Many people think that being in a couple requires you to surrender yourself when, in fact, being in a relationship gives you more of a self.
C. Raymond Knee, Ph.D. explains how a healthy relationship is one where you can grow, become your best self, and have a safe and nurturing place to land if you fall. When you find someone you can grow a couple bubble with that’s a major sign you’ve found your soulmate.
While it may feel like a huge emotional risk to take, putting your faith and energy into the couple bubble is how you build your “soulmate” relationship. It’s how you grow love. When you look at those enviable relationships where the couples are completely and utterly there for each other, those kinds of relationships take work, as suggested by Dr. Susan Sprecher.Â
3. The relationship is a safe space
If you can’t find that safe space, that bubble, that foxhole, whatever you want to call it, then that person isn’t the one for you. Dr. Susan Sprecher shows the importance of “the balance of work regarding both the initiation and the maintenance of their relationship.”
If you’re with someone and you don’t feel like you have a place with them where you’re safe, loved, and protected, then you’re not in the right relationship. That is not your soulmate.
Finding your soulmate will be a heck of a lot easier if you know what to look for, and if you know they are willing to help co-create a healthy couple bubble with you.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychological Approach To Couples Therapy (PACT). He specializes in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships.
Estee Kahn is a writer and amateur photographer who covers relationships, friendships, and lifestyle.
