Source: ©istock/Kobus Louw, with permission
On Halloween, the New York Times reported that the elite Ethical Culture Fieldston School in the Bronx, NY, would be offering counseling support for their students after the election, not assign homework on election day, and even make attendance optional the next day.
Immediately, social media descended on the school’s decision.
Among the many criticisms of “coddling,” “helicoptering,” making kids “unprepared for the real world,” and risking that kids won’t have “grit;” celebrities chimed in as well. Jerry Seinfeld, whose kids went to the school, voiced frustration that this approach encourages kids “to buckle.” On X, U.S. Rep. Ritchie Torres of New York voiced concern that approaches like these teach kids to be “psychologically fragile.”
As a mental health professional and child anxiety specialist, I had a very different reaction. My concern was not with the school’s decision, but with the resounding negative reaction to it.
Flexible Expectations Support Adaptation
When it comes to what builds resilience in kids, I think we keep getting something wrong.
We see efforts to make emotional space for kids as the problem, not the solution. This narrative runs counter to what science teaches about emotional resilience. Namely, high levels of stress keep us in fight-or-flight mode, which is the opposite of emotional processing mode. It’s survival mode. Making adjustments, being flexible with expectations, making “space” when appropriate, makes the navigating through emotions possible.
Giving kids the space to process their emotions won’t make them “fragile”; it is how they grow their resiliency and learn how to successfully adapt to experiences that are upsetting to them. They will have room to understand and modulate their reactions, and learn how to go forward effectively when the world doesn’t match what they thought (or hoped) it would be.
Don’t Undermine Kids’ Agency by Deciding Whether Their Upset is Legitimate
Some of the objections to the schools decision may come from the notion that we who are now adults never needed this kind of space. And maybe some kids don’t. We had the nightly TV news, but kids today have non-stop social media newsfeeds. We are not the ones to decide what feels overwhelming or not to a child; our job is to know what they’re feeling and guide them through.
Emotional Processing Needs to Be Taught
Emotional processing is not intuitive. In fact It is incumbent on adults—parents, teachers, and others—to help kids learn these skills. We face a devastating youth mental health crisis. We need to be teaching kids how to process emotions, not make them feel bad for having feelings. Not to mention, if kids are impacted by election results, we don’t want to discourage that engagement. Don’t we want children who are invested and involved in what’s happening in their country and their future?
It’s not fragility we need to be worried about: With this as the framing narrative, we’ve seen the mental health of kids take a steep decline, according to Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. The CDC reports that 15% of teens are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and nearly 10% have been diagnosed with depression.
Let’s commit to no more mixed messages about kids’ mental health and development. Either we are prioritizing kids’ mental health or we’re not.
Resilience Comes From Facing Difficulties, Not From “Bouncing Back”
Resilience comes not from simply bouncing back, bootstrapping, ignoring, avoiding, or numbing out on social media. That leaves kids dysregulated, detached, discouraged, and frustrated. Resilience comes from accepting what is—even when disappointed or devastated—knowing we aren’t alone, and finding meaningful ways of building connections between what is and what can be. Maybe not today, but soon.
Resilience Essential Reads
Resilience researcher Christina Bethell has found that children’s flourishing is correlated with their ability to talk with their parents about the tough things in life that have no easy answers—and with having parents who can sit in discomfort and uncertainty with them. Giving space to process emotions does not make kids more fragile; it facilitates curiosity, learning, and adaptation through emotional challenges. Kids need parents’ help processing complex emotions.
Kids who are able to talk with their parents about difficult topics learn how to regulate their emotions and handle ambiguity and complexity, and they are more likely to flourish emotionally in life. We can be good role models for our children by showimng them how we keep going even with hard realities.
Here are some messages to guide your election day conversations:
- Normalize feelings and emphasize adaptation. Reassure your child that we will adapt, that we were made to heal, that it will take time, and that feeling upset, confused, or overwhelmed are expected reactions but they are temporary, and by unpacking them with someone we love we can learn about what matters most to us.
- Name feelings to tame them. Show your own process by naming the feelings you are having. There may be many conflicting feelings that don’t add up, and that is normal—for example, upset about election results, anger about the process, appreciation for living in a country where leaders are elected.
- Think in parts and take action for what you believe. It may feel that everything changed or is lost if your candidate didn’t win. What didn’t change are your values—what you believe in and what you will work for. You can ask your child about the ways they want to continue to act on their beliefs going forward.
- Disagree, but aim away. Commit to being kind and open-minded, whether your candidate won or lost. This is about what happened. Process your feelings without aiming them at an individual or a group.
There Is No Reset Button
Most schools will not offer a “mental heath day” for kids after the election. But please, rather than point the finger at well-meaning schools (and well-meaning critics), let’s step up ourselves. We are the ones who can exercise leadership and responsibility. Let’s all try to be those better adults for the kids in our circles. Listen to them, help them put things in perspective, encourage them to control what they can, and take action where they need us to. Keep cultivating the sense of our collective responsibility for each other’s well-being and the planet and, above all, stay open to talking about these hard topics. This, ultimately, is how our children will continue to grow and flourish. Here’s to less worry all around.
©Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.
