Back when I had a severe dissociative disorder, I was a dream employee. I felt nothing, so nothing could get in the way of my work. I could power through it all: sleep deprivation, burnout, hunger, sickness, pain. I answered calls and e-mails around the clock, and co-workers couldn’t violate my boundaries if I didn’t have any.
Of course, bosses loved me — a diligent woman who never said no — but for a long time, this dynamic benefited me, too.
I could pretend that nothing was wrong with me. Workaholism itself is a form of dissociation, one that our culture rewards with raises, promotions, and congratulations for a life well-lived.
In his biography, Steve Jobs, Walter Isaacson writes that abandonment fueled the tech mogul’s success. Steve Jobs was put up for adoption at birth. He spent his life pursuing money, recognition, and status in an attempt to prove that he was wanted and worthy. However, external validation could not fill that void.
Those closest to Steve Jobs described him as “mercurial” and “intense.” He denied paternity of his daughter and eliminated all philanthropy programs upon his return to Apple. Jobs separated his staff into two categories, “gods” or “s**theads,” depending on whether they met his relentless demands. He often fired the “sh*theads” on the spot and in front of their peers.
Yet our culture idolizes this man as a leader, visionary, and prime example of the American dream.
Research by the National Academy of Sciences (NAS), frequently highlights the persistent gender bias that leads to women being perceived as less competent and having lower leadership potential compared to men, often experiencing micro-aggressions, and facing challenges in reaching senior positions due to factors like the “glass ceiling” and societal expectations around gender roles, with studies indicating that the presence of female leaders can positively impact workplace perceptions of fairness and trust. However, women may need to navigate “double binds” where they are judged more harshly for assertive behavior than men, leading to self-doubt and a need to “prove themselves” more than their male counterparts.
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Once I got better, I no longer wanted to participate.
At 28, I finally received treatment for my dissociative disorder. Using a trauma therapy technique called EMDR, I returned to my body and realized that, underneath the numbness, I was a highly sensitive person.
It’s why I disconnected in the first place. The yelling, the violence, the depression, the mania that existed in my childhood home — it overloaded my hyper-attuned senses, so I shut off to survive. But now that I could feel again, I was no longer a dream employee.
How was I supposed to succeed when I soaked up other people’s emotions like a sea sponge? How could I spend 40 hours a week in an office when the noise was deafening? The deskside chats. The honking cabs on the city streets. The incessant buzzing of the overhead fluorescents.
How could I power through when the pain I’d tucked away for two decades now demanded to be felt? Still, even if I wasn’t neurodivergent, I would struggle to succeed in a traditional corporate job.
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Why? Because corporate America was not designed for women.
The nine-to-five workday was designed for men who had free, around-the-clock domestic support. After an eight-hour shift, they’d return to a clean house and sit down to a home-cooked meal. The kids were fed, bathed, and ready for bed. Men had done their job for the day, and everything else was taken care of.
Now, most women are doing it all — whether they’re single or not. Research by the Pew Research Center shows that on top of holding down jobs, most coupled women are still handling the bulk of domestic responsibilities. Before, after, and during work, they’re cooking, cleaning, and taking care of their kids.
Progress in the workplace isn’t much better. According to a recent report, women’s treatment in professional settings is largely the same as it was a decade ago. Yes, companies mandate inclusivity training, but cheesy videos and check-the-box questionnaires haven’t changed people’s behaviors.
At work, women are still three times more likely to be interrupted, have their ideas passed off as someone else’s, receive judgment for their appearance and emotional state, and be mistaken for lower-level employees or other women of the same race. Women are also still penalized for speaking up.
Shortly after starting therapy, I was fired from a leadership role because I refused to compromise my integrity for a company’s immoral gain. No matter how many times cheesy videos tell us to report discriminatory behavior, the subtext is clear:
If women want to climb the corporate ladder, they need to shut up, toughen up, and take it.
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I’m not willing to abandon myself anymore.
I’m one of the lucky ones. My mental illness served me long enough that I could establish myself as a professional in the writing world. Now, I still work my butt off, but I do it on my terms.
I have multiple streams of income, so my livelihood will never again depend on the whims of one mercurial boss. I only work for clients and employers who respect a work-life balance and allow me to make my schedule. I turn down assignments when I’m processing something difficult so I can sit in discomfort rather than distract myself from it.
I haven’t stepped foot in an office in years. Instead, I work from the quiet, peaceful protection of the house I own and share with a man who treats me like an equal partner.
Most importantly, I have the time and energy to prioritize the things that matter: Relationships. Spirituality. Empathy. Healing. Returning to who I was before this world convinced me that self-sacrifice and external success would fill that void.
