Nadine, a 32-year-old mother of two, had decided that she needed to leave her abusive relationship, for her own safety and that of her children. She thought that she could end the relationship amicably by telling her partner that she wanted to end the relationship. Instead, her partner’s behavior got worse: He immediately started shouting accusations and making threats about what would happen if she tried to leave him. In a fit of anger, he became physically violent, pushing Nadine against a wall and threatening to harm her if she left. Terrified and feeling trapped, she stayed, thinking this was safer.
Nadine’s story is common. In fact, it takes most victims an average of seven times to leave an abusive relationship.1 Leaving is often one of the most dangerous times for victims of intimate partner violence, as this is the time when the abusive partner feels they are losing control. Many victims report that their partner’s behavior escalated in the days or weeks leading up to or following their departure, and statistics show that the risk of serious harm or fatality increases significantly when a victim decides to leave their abuser1,2. When possible, having a safety plan can help reduce the chance of violence1.
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Leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging to plan for, especially since the abuse may escalate and a victim may need to leave suddenly. Like Nadine, many victims think that having a calm, rational conversation might work, only to experience increased abuse or violence as the abusive person becomes enraged. I remember thinking this same thing. This is why having a basic plan, even if it consists of just a few key elements, can significantly enhance safety.
When preparing to leave, a safety plan is essential
Protect all living things first and foremost. Protect children, dependents, family members who live at home or depend on you, animals, and other living things who would be involved.
Take these into consideration:
1) Plan for who will be coming with you: Are there children, pets, any dependents, or other family members in the home? Have you taken custody and other legal aspects into consideration?
2) Make arrangements for where you will go: Will you be staying with a trusted friend or family member? A domestic violence shelter? Making arrangements can help the process go smoothly by ensuring that there is space and availability for you and those you bring with you and that others are prepared to support you.
3) When will you leave? Sometimes this is difficult to plan for. But having an idea of when, such as during a time when the abusive person is away or at work, can help improve your ability to leave safely.
4) How will you get there? Having an idea of how you will leave is important. Will someone pick you up, or are you planning to drive yourself? If you will be taking your car, make a habit of keeping the car’s gas tank at least half full. Many victims might not have access to a car that is not owned by the perpetrator, so this will have to be taken into consideration.
5) Who will support you? Having support from friends or family can help ensure that you have rides, are able to make any appointments, and have extra people around should the perpetrator come home early. Make sure you tell only those who support you because it can be very dangerous if the abuser finds out you are planning to leave. It is a good idea to create a code word with a friend who can be called or texted in an emergency.
6) Financial planning: Will you have access to credit cards or a savings account? Can you start saving or apply for a loan? Will a friend or family member or local domestic violence agency help with this process? If you can, take cash out of the bank and put it in a safe place. I often advise clients to leave money with a trusted person, or in a safe place such as a safe at work. Then you can add cash to it when you are able. If your economic situation is deeply entangled with your partner’s, such as in shared accounts, you may want to consult with a lawyer.
7) Paperwork: Take, or make copies of, all legal paperwork such as passports, important medical documentation, immigration or legal paperwork, titles to your car, etc. It is becoming increasingly common to have custody battles over pets or shared animals, so make copies of adoption paperwork, veterinarian bills, or other documentation to be prepared.
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8) Protect yourself post-separation: Alter your route to and from work and other places you frequent.
9) Make a list of emergency numbers and keep it visible, perhaps taped to a cabinet. Include the police, the nearest domestic violence shelter, or any friends or family who can help. This will help all members of the family find this information when needed in a crisis.
10) Change all passwords: Change passwords to social media, email accounts, and all online banking. Remove your ex-partner from any shared accounts, such as Amazon, Uber, Paypal, and Venmo.
Nadine and I worked together to develop a safety plan, identifying a trusted friend with whom she could stay temporarily. Nadine also gathered important legal documents, packed a small emergency bag, and started saving money in secret. She planned to leave while her partner was at work, was able to gather things that she needed for herself and the children, and also had time to make phone calls to attorneys and other legal supports. We also discussed options for shelter and legal protections, including obtaining a restraining order against her partner. Through counseling and legal assistance, Nadine began to understand the cycle of abuse.
Leaving an abusive relationship is always challenging, and having a safety plan won’t make it easy. However, it can significantly improve your chances of leaving safely, help you maintain your safety afterward, and reduce the likelihood of returning due to a lack of a secure place to go. Nevertheless, there are times when victims must leave abruptly, without a plan, because they find themselves in immediate danger. It’s important to remember that the decision to leave should never be delayed simply because a plan is not in place.
If you, or someone you know, is experiencing domestic violence or an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE.
