Moments of emotional intensity are inevitable in close relationships, especially with a partner. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationship stability, found that “flooding”—the state of being emotionally overwhelmed—is a critical trigger that can lead to overreactions and escalate simple disagreements.
As I explain to my counseling clients, flooding can make us feel out of control, close our eyes to the bigger picture, and put us in fight-or-flight mode. Staying calm and grounded, even in moments of stress, is crucial for maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. Here are three practical ways to manage flooding and stop overreacting with your partner.
1. Pause and Breathe Before Responding
In heated moments, your body’s automatic response is to tense up, raise your voice, and dive into defense mode. If you’ve ever felt your heart pounding and your thoughts racing, that’s flooding at work. Taking a few deep breaths before responding is a simple yet powerful tool for gaining back control over your reactions.
Meet Simon and Lena, a couple who often clashed about minor issues. Lena noticed that her instinct was to match his volume whenever Simon raised his voice, which only worsened things. During a particularly heated argument about household chores one evening, Lena paused. She took three slow, deep breaths before responding. This short pause allowed her to calm down and respond without escalating the tension. Instead of reacting defensively, she expressed her concerns more clearly, helping Simon feel less attacked.
Breathing breaks the cycle of flooding, giving your brain the signal to switch off the alarm and allowing your body to relax. Next time you feel tension rising, inhale slowly through your nose for four counts, hold for two counts, and exhale through your mouth for six counts. Repeating this three to five times helps shift your nervous system from “fight-or-flight” to “rest and digest,” giving you the clarity to respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively.
2. Create a Code Word for Time-Outs
Sometimes, stepping away from a heated moment is the best way to prevent an argument from spiraling out of control. When emotions are high, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break—especially if you let your partner know you’ll return to the conversation with a clear head. This approach is constructive for couples prone to intense confrontations or have experienced flooding in past conflicts.
Take Asha and Kieran as an example. They realized it was hard to stop once an argument started until they both felt drained and upset. So, they created a code word, “anchor,” to signal when one needed a break. During a recent argument over finances, Kieran felt his frustration bubbling up. Instead of lashing out, he said, “I need an anchor.” This allowed them to pause, take some space, and return to the conversation when calmer and more receptive.
Creating a code word can provide instant relief and clarity when tensions are high. After a break, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking—can work more effectively, allowing you both to address the issue without emotional overwhelm. Remember to respect the break time and reconvene once emotions have settled.
3. Reflect on Your Triggers and Share Them With Your Partner
People have certain “hot buttons” or emotional triggers that make them more likely to react strongly. These are often rooted in past experiences, family dynamics, or insecurities. Identifying your triggers can help you understand why certain situations evoke such intense reactions and how you can prepare for them in the future.
For example, Mateo frequently overreacted whenever his partner, Zara, commented on his work schedule. Growing up, Mateo’s family had often criticized him for not being ambitious enough, and as a result, he became defensive whenever he perceived that someone was questioning his work ethic. Once Mateo recognized this, he explained to Zara that his reaction wasn’t about her but about personal sensitivity. Zara, in turn, became more mindful of how she approached work-related topics, choosing her words more carefully to avoid unintentionally triggering Mateo’s defenses.
Gottman’s research highlights that understanding each other’s triggers is a step toward building empathy and reducing conflict. When you recognize and share your vulnerabilities, you create an environment of trust, allowing you both to navigate conflict without letting hidden triggers take over. Make a mental note or even write down your triggers to become more aware of them in the future. With practice, you’ll find that self-awareness alone helps reduce overreactions.
Concluding Thoughts
Keeping your cool during a disagreement isn’t always easy, but it is essential for nurturing a respectful, understanding partnership. Whether you’re pausing to breathe, signaling for a time-out, or sharing your triggers with your partner, these techniques help you manage emotional flooding and respond from a calm place. By practicing these steps, you can prevent minor issues from escalating, build a more profound sense of connection, and set the foundation for a resilient, loving relationship.
