It’s official. It’s over. It’s been over for quite some time now. Then why are you still stuck with your ex?
You may think you’re doing your best to move on, but somehow, you just can’t shimmy away from him/her. Truth be told, even if you aren’t in physical contact, you may be fooling yourself with lots of sneaky, subtle behaviors that keep you connected and prevent you from meeting someone new!
Breaking up can be hard to do. We may be bonded to the other person and have a hard time letting go. Not having a clean break, however, may be confusing for either party. Keeping what seem to be innocent connections may send the signal that you want to get back together, or they stand in the way of making a future connection with someone new.
Here are 10 subtle ways an ex stays embedded in your life, even after you’ve broken up:
1. You still stalk them on social media
Are you playing super sleuth on Facebook several times a day to find out what the ex is up to or if there is anyone new in the picture? Do whatever you can to avoid this treacherous trap. It will only rile you up or make you sad — neither of which will help you achieve the healthy mindset you need to stay strong and move on, as explained by 2015 research.
2. You still keep memories of them around the house
Dorde Krstic via Shutterstock
Until you’ve not just removed them and their stuff from your bedroom but marked the bedroom as your own, their energy will permeate the bed, the sheets, the closets, and the walls. This room needs to become your room, your space, your sanctuary, and the best way to do that is with some redecorating.
Even minor changes like new pillowcases and a bedspread, reorganizing the furniture layout, or a new piece of art can change how the room feels to you as they act as symbols of change and remind you life is focused on the “new you” in the making now. Open the window and cleanse, cleanse, cleanse your ex out of your bed, out of your dreams, and out of your space.
3. You save all their old messages
Are you saving and rereading past texts or listening to old phone messages? Reliving the past can take you down the rabbit hole fast. You’ll start the whole vicious cycle of wondering where it all went wrong — blaming yourself, then your ex, then you again, totally enmeshed in a relationship that’s over, as suggested by a study in the Journal of College Student Psychotherapy. Time to delete, delete, delete!
4. You continue to socialize with their loved ones
Do you stay in contact with your ex’s family and friends? Are you secretly hoping they’ll put in a good word for you or make them realize what a fool they were for leaving you?
A study led by researcher Kien Tran helps show how you’ll find this tactic will backfire on you because any communication you have with them after the break-up just keeps them alive in your mind and heart. Unless there are children involved, do yourself a favor and let go of those ties.
5. Your accounts are co-mingled
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
I’ve not only heard clients say this, at one point, I even said it myself: “Oh, it doesn’t matter that we aren’t legally divorced yet — we both know we’re done and have moved on.” Wrong. It does matter. It’s closure on another level, one that officially marks an end to one part of your life and endorses a new beginning.
Make the time, do the paperwork, and get legally divorced. Believe me, you will feel different when you hold those papers in your hand. It may have made financial sense to be on the same calling plan when you were a couple, but saving $35 per month isn’t financially savvy, it’s a way to keep a connection with your ex.
We’re financially bound. Shared mortgages, joint debts, investments, income tax returns, and vehicle payments — having the ex involved in financial matters keeps their presence alive in your mind and life. Worst still, things could turn stressful if they don’t do their part in meeting financial obligations. Take the steps now to divide and clean up the mess as best as possible; autonomy means financial autonomy, too.
6. You keep asking them for advice or help
If the only person you can think of to solve a problem or move a heavy box is your ex, you may be looking for ways to stay connected. Google is a modern-day miracle for answers to even the most complex problems, and if a box is heavy or furniture needs to be moved, other people can help.
7. You keep old photos prominently displayed
Do you still have pictures of the two of you displayed in your home or on your computer screensaver? Pictures stimulate desire and tug at your heart, causing you to reminisce about what was and could have been. They may cause you to weaken and reach out or keep you emotionally tied to the past. If you want to move forward, get rid of them pronto!
8. You visit the places you know they’ll be
If you find yourself frequenting those old familiar places or continually driving by to see if their car is in the parking lot, you may need to break up with your ex. Finding new hangouts is a good way to meet new people, and rebuild your self-concept as demonstrated by a study in the Personal Relationships Journal. It’s also a considerate gesture to spare your ex the discomfort of someday running into you once you’re with somebody new.
9. You refuse to give their stuff back
Ekateryna Zubal via Shutterstock
Withholding items or refusing to cooperate amicably with details of separation can be a great way to stay in touch. Sometimes negative communication feels better than no communication and might be a way to fool yourself into believing you’re over your ex then maybe you’re being obstinate because the truth is, you’re not.
10. You continue to live in the same house
Whatever the reasons, from financial convenience to kids to legal headaches, when someone is still living in the same house with their ex, it’s time for a breakup.
Sherri Nickols is an award-winning author, motivational speaker, and relationship/women’s empowerment coach.
Faith Deeter, MFT, is a relationship strategist and teacher. Since 1994, she has been helping people improve their lives while facilitating workshops for teens, offering continuing education to Law Enforcement, and teaching inmates in a federal prison. She has also been a guest lecturer at Johns Hopkins University.
Delaine Moore is an author, speaker, and therapist whose memoir, The Secret Life of a Single Mom, was the inspiration for a Lifetime movie of the same title.
