While an “overcrowding” study from the European Journal of Population suggests there’s a multitude of reasons for an inevitable breakup, from closeness in a shared home to financial incompatibility, the real confusion about breakups stems from the gray area right before actually ending things. Who makes the first move? How do you express your feelings without hurting your partner’s? Is it possible to pull away and make things easier for everyone?
For female partners, there are some subtle behaviors of women who are thinking about leaving their relationship, and while they can be difficult to spot, they’re incredibly telling once you recognize them.
Here are 12 subtle behaviors of women who are thinking about leaving their relationship
1. She stops complaining or asking questions
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This subtle trait is typically the most common in relationships coming to a close. One or both partners are checked out, subconsciously separated from the other, and casual communication, curiosity, and even complaints have been dulled by constant silence and small talk.
Typically, partners who are unhappy in a relationship, especially a long-term or committed one, will express their emotions and discontent well before they’re ready to actually end things. The real question is: Was their partner listening?
At this stage, when a woman is truly thinking about leaving, they stop probing, asking questions, or complaining about their relational struggles. They’ve reached the point of feeling unheard, a communication promise that lies at the core of healthy relationships, according to 2023 research, where they no longer care to beg for attention or concern.
2. She no longer updates you on her life, plans, or goals
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It can be as simple as this, which might seem obvious, but for many partners immersed in the stress of work or a family, it can be easily overlooked. If a woman doesn’t update you on her life, she probably doesn’t care to.
We share the things we’re excited about with the people we love; it’s only human nature to yearn for connection, community, and shared experiences. When your partner actively forgoes sharing their accomplishments with you or keeps exciting goals to themselves, it’s probably because they don’t see you in their future when it will come to fruition.
3. She doesn’t return missed calls
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If your partner isn’t returning your missed calls consistently, there’s a good chance it’s because they ignored them in the first place.
Healthy partners who are committed to each other show up and relay a similar communication to one another, even if they’re going through a rough patch. Partners who are checked out, uncommitted, and confused about their relationship fitness do the opposite — they retreat, self-isolate, or simply refuse to communicate in an effort to create distance, whether they’re aware of it or not.
4. She stops hanging out with your friends and family
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According to social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato Ph.D., your partner’s family opinions on you are incredibly important for shaping not only your future family get-togethers, but the health of your personal relationship.
If your partner stops investing time into seeing and communicating with them, there’s a good chance they no longer care about protecting that bond, painting themselves in a good light, or wasting their own energy trying to appease you. They likely aren’t doing this from a malicious perspective, but rather a self-preserving one to protect their own space.
Partners that actively distance themselves from your inner circle aren’t interested in promoting a healthy balance of connection and community — and that should say enough.
5. There’s a surprisingly new lack of intimacy
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With many harmful societal expectations about physical intimacy, especially for women, it’s not uncommon for many to misguidedly “withhold” it in an attempt to communicate with an otherwise unapproachable partner. In relationships, this dynamic is incredibly toxic, and only further insinuates harmful rhetoric that women are less interested in intimacy than men.
The reality is, there’s a million reasons why a woman might not want to be physically intimate, from her health, to her emotional well-being, and yes, even her interest in her partner. Of course, a period of time without it isn’t always indicative of the end of a relationship, but for partners, it might be a great time to get introspective.
When it comes to emotional expressivity and general relationship satisfaction, women tend to view their own intimacy in their couples’ negativity, while for men, it’s more positive. In these same couples, revealed in a study from Pepperdine University’s Journal of Communication Research, women valued supportiveness most in their partners, while men considered nonverbal affection and verbal affirmations most important.
Are you expecting physical intimacy with your partner without supporting them in every other aspect of your life? Are you resentful towards your partner, simply for a break in physical intimacy? Introspection can serve everyone well.
6. Her spending habits change
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Experts, like the authors of a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, argue that “financial infidelity” is just as harmful to relationships as cheating or romantic infidelity. When your partner starts to shift, hide, or misguide you about their spending habits, they’re sabotaging the trust you’ve built.
Many others suggest women who shift their spending behaviors in subtle preparation to break up might stop investing money into a shared space or splurging on self-care, and instead start saving money to start a new chapter in their lives.
7. She wants free time away from you
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According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Deborah Krevalin, LPC, LMHC, a partner who is falling out of love and ready to end their relationship is spending a great deal of time in their head. They’re not just thinking about their own emotional shift, but preparing themselves for a breakup that requires communication and honesty.
Being around their partner, that may or may not have contributed to their loss of feelings, can spark uncomfortability, meaning they’re likely spending more time alone or with friends. They’ll stop inviting you to the grocery store, spending time with you in the evenings, or planning dates. If you notice this shift, especially in a female partner, it might be time to make the decision: either communicate and grow back to a healthy place, or end things.
8. She doesn’t do chores or favors for you anymore
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Acts of service, defined by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book “The First Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate,” is a daily commitment to your partner and a way to express love for them — even if it’s something as simple as doing the dishes or folding your partner’s laundry.
Especially in traditional cis-gender straight relationships, where the woman tends to adopt responsibility for the majority of household chores, a shift in these norms can be a sign that your relationship fitness is also changing.
Actions speak louder than words. If your partner stops doing nonchalant chores or forgoes practical acts of service like making you coffee in the morning or making the bed, it could be a sign that their needs are changing, or could even be one of the subtle behaviors of women who are thinking about leaving their relationship.
9. She doesn’t make you feel like yourself
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A subtle sign that’s just as important for her and yourself, a partner that’s no longer meant for you or invested in you is not going to make you feel good or healthy. Experts like psychology coach Diane E. Dreher Ph.D. argues that you might even feel emotionally and physically drained around a toxic person, who might also be your partner.
When resentment is brewing, people’s needs aren’t met, or a partner isn’t happy or fulfilled in their relationship, it’s going to shift their energy — and you’re going to feel it. Trust your gut instinct and the way you feel around your partner. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it.
10. She seems annoyed by you
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Energetic shifts in your baseline with your partner can tell you a lot about your relationship. Do you feel comfortable around them? Could you share an intense emotion with them and feel emotionally supported? Do you feel drained? Are you being painted as a burden in your own home or relationship?
Women who are emotionally detached from their relationships aren’t always going to be good at hiding it, and sometimes, they might not actively be hiding anything. Annoyance is a side effect of resentment, which is an unfortunate emotion that grows subtly and subconsciously behind connections for months (and even years) without showing itself.
11. She stops posting photos of you online
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A report by New York Times Customer Insight Group, titled “The Psychology of Sharing,” argued that we share posts online to nourish the connections, community, and relationships in our lives. While 73% of social media users share to meet people with similar interests online, nearly 78% post to communicate and share news with people in their lives they don’t see frequently.
If your partner stops taking and sharing photos of you, this might be their way of setting the stage to meet somebody new, but it could also be a subtle way to remind the people in their life that you’re not their priority or something they’re excited to talk about.
While social media might seem insignificant to many partners, for those that utilize it in their daily lives, it’s something to acknowledge, at the very least.
12. She excludes you from conversations
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As explained in a research article published in Plos One, feeling heard in a relationship is fundamental to cultivating a healthy dynamic where both partners feel understood, supported, and loved. When a partner stops providing space for you to vent, share your emotions, or express concerns, they’re sacrificing both your mental health and relationship fitness.
If you’re being cut-off frequently in conversations with friends or even entirely excluded from conversations online, consider it a subtle reminder that you’re not being prioritized.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.
