People who attract positive, energizing people often carry themselves in a way that’s different from others. These qualities can be hard to isolate and explain, so they may feel “magical” or like something you have to be born with, but they aren’t necessarily. If you want to attract people that make life sweeter, you need to start by looking at yourself.
Here are 10 signs of a genuinely good friend, according to psychology
1. They are authentic
They are authentic to themselves. They embrace their quirks, strengths, and weaknesses and don’t pretend to be someone they’re not. This is not a gauge of how much personality they demonstrate but how congruent their words and actions are. They are radically honest, and this genuine approach to life attracts people who appreciate and value them for who they are.
2. They have a positive attitude
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Their glass is never half empty, it’s always half full. They maintain a positive outlook on life and radiate positivity, and they focus on the good in situations and people, which naturally draws others towards them.
Their positivity is truly contagious, and it helps create an uplifting and supportive environment, as shown in 2003 research.
3. They exhibit a discipline of inquiry
They approach life with raw and non-judgmental curiosity. They actively listen to others, showing genuine interest and empathy. They give their full attention, ask thoughtful questions, and make others feel heard and understood. Professor Ramaswami Mahalingam explores how this mindful curiosity fosters deeper connections and allows friendships and relationships to flourish.
4. They lead with kindness and empathy
They are kind-hearted and empathetic towards others. They genuinely care about people’s well-being and go out of their way to support and help others. They know people only do the best they can with the emotional and physical resources they have at any given point in time. Therefore, they are rarely quick to conclude and look to understand before being understood.
Their kindness and empathy create a nurturing and compassionate environment that attracts like-minded individuals.
5. They establish healthy boundaries
They establish healthy boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. They understand the importance of self-care and communicate their needs effectively. By setting boundaries, they create a sense of safety and mutual respect in their relationships.Â
Yet the boundaries are not carved in stone. They are created to honor themselves and others yet open to expansion should a pressed boundary reveal an expanded way of being.
6. They are open-minded
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Like expansive boundaries, they approach people and situations with an open mind. They are receptive to different perspectives and ideas, which allows them to connect with a diverse range of individuals. A meta-analysis of openness to experience in the Journal of Personality Assessment demonstrates how this openness fosters a sense of acceptance and encourages deeper connections.
7. They prioritize quality over quantity
They prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to friendships and relationships. Rather than seeking superficial connections, they invest time and energy in building genuine and meaningful relationships. They value quality intimacy with depth and connection over popularity.
8. They are committed to self-improvement
They actively work on personal growth and self-improvement. They strive to become the best version of themselves, constantly learning and evolving. They are aware that when they or someone else is upset, the circumstance presents an opportunity for growth. This mindset attracts others who share a similar commitment to growth.
9. They display gratitude
They practice gratitude with true embodiment and appreciate the people in their lives. They express their gratitude and make others feel valued and cherished. This gratitude is not just talk, it is practiced and felt fully and cultivates a positive and nurturing environment that attracts and strengthens relationships, as supported by an article in The Journal of Positive Psychology.
10. They don’t fear vulnerability
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They are willing to be vulnerable and share their authentic selves with others. They express their emotions and share their experiences, creating a safe space for others to do the same. Linda M. Hartling, Ph.D. shows how this vulnerability deepens connections and fosters intimacy.
If you authentically carry yourself but have not yet embraced complete radical honesty — if you are willing to be seen but not fully, and your friend is in the same place — then you’re a good match. If one of you wishes to open more, it may be you who helps your friend to go there as well.
However, if you are not ready when they are, the quality of friendship will likely be dictated by this limitation.
This is not something to be judged — but just noticed. If you desire more and the other is not there, then there will be a departure from close intimacy. This does not need to stop you from caring deeply for another.
There is indeed a wonderful carrot at the top of the pyramid of intimacy where the best partnerships romp and play. I call this pinnacle of connectivity “Courageous Intimacy.”
Here, you are fully authentic, transparent, radically honest, vulnerable, kind, positive, overwhelmed with gratitude, and know and appreciate your boundaries, yet live in excitement at the potential to go deeper and expand more. When at a place where many would be scared stiff, you’re courageous and know that the most exciting growth is close at hand.
You know you’re there because it is here where co-creation, serendipity, and bliss are continually lighting up your life and infectiously the lives of all those nearby. The key is to be able to recognize the traits that engender the ability to make (and be) a good friend — and act accordingly.
Larry Michel is the father of Genetic Energetics, a typology to help us love more fully and connect more deeply. He is also a world-renowned relationship coach who works with people across the globe to find the greatest joy, inspiration, growth, abundance, and excitement in their relationships.
