 Married women get involved with married men. Deeply involved. Entangled, even. And then the man drops off.Â
This situation makes me sick to my stomach when clients come to me for advice. When married couples cheat, not one that I take lightly or enjoy dealing with. My reaction is in my gut: it’s wrong and heartbreaking to see two people throw their separate lives away for each other over a fling.
The worst kind of affair a person can have is when both people are married — and here’s why:
1. You’re destroying not just one, but two families
You’ve been secretly seeing a married man for a while now, maybe even years. Where does your husband fit in this picture?  You’ve lied to your husband. You’ve stolen time he could have with someone who loved him. He might have started a family or discovered a new career.
Instead, he’s trapped in a loveless relationship with someone who doesn’t respect him enough to tell him the truth. What about your lovers’ kids? Did you think about them?  Don’t you think this would destroy them? Wouldn’t it hurt them to learn that their father or mother was unfaithful?
2. People are not personal vanity platesÂ
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Maybe you think your lover deserves better, that you’re better than his wife could ever be. Maybe you even feel sorry for her. Statistics tell us that 13% of women will go on to have an affair.
You can’t make your relationship with this married man, or even your marriage, better if you constantly compare yourself to others. You’re using this affair to boost your ego. People are not your vanity plates. Stop playing with others’ lives.
3. It’s unlikely your affair partner genuinely loves youÂ
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The man you’re cheating with? He likely does not love you. You likely can’t make him fall in love with you. On a subconscious level, you must know this is true. You may compare yourself to his wife because of your insecurities.
If he’s stopped contacting you, if he’s tried to reconnect with his wife, let him do that. This was just an affair, so let it end.  You need to be honest with your husband. If you don’t love him set him free. You don’t have to cheat.
You don’t have to be someone’s mistress. You could be single and meeting great guys. Research from 2014 tells us that 15-20% of marriages will end because of an affair. Maybe all you want is more intimate. That’s fine. But when you lie and cheat, when you don’t live an authentic life you’re hurting yourself, too.
David Wygant is a dating coach and lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post. His advice has been featured on television, in newspapers, and in magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.
