I once had a client named Connor—a CEO of a tech startup—who was in a desperate race to close a round of funding. His company was only days away from running out of cash. In our sessions, Connor was on edge, shaky and uncertain in just about every interaction we had.
Each day, he would text or call me, seeking advice on how to navigate the situation, acting almost like a lost child. I provided suggestions, but I encouraged him more than anything else to rely on his intuition.
Finally, one day, when Connor reached out for input and I offered it, he disagreed with my recommendation. Trusting his gut, he chose a different plan of his own making. However, his approach succeeded, and the round closed just in time, saving the company.
With that, Connor learned something far more valuable than any advice I could have given—how to trust himself.
The Foundation for Trust
According to eminent developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, it is our first 18 months of life that result in the development of trust or shame. When our primary caregivers are responsive and attuned, we tend to develop the belief that our world is trustworthy. Conversely, when the environment is chaotic or hostile, we tend to assume the fault is ours, resulting in deeply rooted shame. [i]
Furthermore, according to the theory of attachment, when a baby’s needs are routinely met, the child forms a secure attachment. This base supports both autonomy and connection, laying the foundation for emotional regulation and healthy relationships. However, when caregiving is inconsistent, children may develop insecure attachment styles.[ii] These individuals often alternate between anxiety/preoccupation with connection and avoidant withdrawal.[iii],[iv] For them, trust is the ultimate struggle.
Connor’s childhood was fraught from the start, as his mother’s attitude towards him made him feel unwelcome in the world immediately (later, he’d discover that it would have been her preference for him to have been a girl). Connor is a perfect example of how being born into an unfriendly household undermines trust in others, the self, and even the universe, as our early environments are the entire universe to us at the time. Thus, not only is our trust in others and ourselves affected, but so is our entire outlook on the world and our future in it. There’s a reason that children born to war-torn regions have disproportionate rates of anxiety disorders, dissociative disorders, and more.[v] But fortunately, healing is always possible.
Building Trust and Breaking Free of Doubt
While these early experiences do mold us, we can always build a new foundation for ourselves. Anyone can cultivate trust over time through reliable relationships with partners, friends, or therapists and even through visualization and meditation practices. As we trust others and they mirror that trust back to us, a positive feedback loop can form, deepening those bonds even further.
As Connor developed his self-trust, he noticed his relationships improving as well. He grew bolder and more optimistic overall. Connor was raised in a religious household but soured on religion as he grew up, identifying solidly as an agnostic. Still, he started mentioning how he had trust “in how his life was unfolding.” He began fostering his spiritual intelligence, which allowed him to tap into that specific outlook. He was on, as I like to call it, a hero’s journey of the soul—slaying the dragons of false, self-limiting beliefs and recovering the ultimate treasure: his own self.
The Research Around Trust
Of course, there are well-studied practical benefits to trust. Research by Paul Zak published in the Harvard Business Review demonstrates the benefits of trust in the workplace. High-trust companies report 74% less stress, 50% higher productivity, and 76% more engagement compared to low-trust environments.[vi] Dr. Zak found that when we are trusted, and when we trust others, our oxytocin levels increase. Oxytocin (a.k.a. “the love hormone”) is a neurotransmitter our brains release during moments of attachment, such as during sexual intimacy while engaging in skin-to-skin contact with infants, or even during more everyday connections between friends. All of us can create an oxytocin-friendly environment, kicking off that cycle of trust with everyone we meet.
My own research confirmed that the capacity for trust is integral to the concept of spiritual intelligence. And, in interviews I conducted with individuals nominated by their peers as the embodiment of spiritual intelligence, many emphasized trust as a guiding principle in their lives. They expressed deep confidence that everything would work out for them, no matter where life might take them. They possessed an open, hopeful orientation to the future, enabling them to act despite any uncertainty.
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Trusting Ourselves, Others, and Life
By learning to trust ourselves, we can trust our judgment and learn to trust others, which builds connections and strengthens our bonds. And, trust in life—believing that things will work out—frees us to live boldly, embracing the flow of life, rather than trying to swim upstream. It’s no surprise that the word confidence is derived from the Latin confīdentia, meaning “trust.”
As Angeles Arrien noted, “The opposite of trusting in the unexpected is trying to control the uncontrollable.” Life’s challenges are inevitable, but by cultivating trust, we have the resources to adapt, thrive, and live our potential, fully!
