Morning friend,
Whew, we just finished our live/virtual CONQUER conference in Scottsdale and it was amazing. The Holy Spirit was present and the women grew in Resilience. I am so honored to lead this wonderful group of women. Thanks for your prayers for the event. They are deeply appreciated.
Question: Is it abusive for me to require my husband to share his information with me? I feel like he will spin this request around on me and make me look like the controlling abuser if I add this to my confrontation letter, but without this bullet point, I am completely at his mercy for all financial planning and my financial future.
Answer: I wish I knew more details about your marriage history and the trust that seems to be broken. Since this is all you’ve written, I may not be as nuanced as you might need.
Let’s break this down. The first part of your question is: Is it abusive to require your husband to share his information with you? I assume this is financial information because of your last statement being at his mercy if he chooses not to share with you.
Here are some initial thoughts that I’d like you to ponder: If you are at a place where you must require someone in a relationship (marriage or otherwise) to do something for you to feel safe, what does that tell you? Give yourself a moment to ponder this question. It reveals important information that I think is crucial for you to notice.
I would read his resistance to sharing his information like this: He doesn’t want to give you his information. Why? Is he afraid? Ashamed of what you’ll discover? Or it simply might be because he does not want to build or rebuild that kind of trust and/or safety with you. It could be any or all those things but they’re important to notice. And if it’s true, he doesn’t want to disclose (for whatever reason), what does that mean for you? For the future of your marriage?
Can you feel safe with someone who you require to be honest, faithful, or loving? Does requiring this ensure he is honest, faithful, or loving with you? Or does it just make it more challenging for him to hide what he wants to hide?
Next, let’s move on to your fear of him accusing you of being controlling and/or abusive. When someone demands, requires, or enforces an adult to do something that they do not want to do, that is not a loving relationship. It’s unhealthy and/or toxic. When you require him to do something or be something he has no heart to do or be, he’s right. You’re trying to control him by mandating he do something for you that you believe will give you a sense of safety and peace.
I understand. You do need safety and peace. However, when you make someone else responsible for your well-being, safety, and peace, you have given your power away. That’s why you feel scared and vulnerable.
Instead of requiring him to do something, ask yourself what you need to do to feel less vulnerable financially and not completely at his mercy. Maybe you need to check your credit rating to see where you are at financially. Or review your income tax statements. Separate your finances. Maybe it’s getting more education, training, or a better job so that you’re not dependent on his income if he continues to be deceitful. Maybe it’s hiring a lawyer to find out what you are legally entitled to if your marriage doesn’t make it. Ultimately if you don’t want to be completely at someone else’s mercy, you must change yourself not him. Requiring him to do something that he has no heart to do may give you a false sense of safety and security for a season, but that does not mean you are not still at his mercy.
When you are not dependent on him (or someone) to be what you need him to be, then you are free to see who he truly is. When your eyes are open and you see clearly, you are much more equipped to decide if you can trust him or not.
Healthy relationships are not held together by requiring someone to do or be something for you. They are held together by shared values that each embodies without pressure or requirements from the other.
Friend, how have you stopped depending on someone else to create or ensure your sense of safety or security and begun to steward your own?
