“We’ve got three kids, three cars, two dogs, two affairs, a house, and a hell of a lot of good times between us. I love my wife, but the heat is gone.”
Those are the words that a former client shared, during a couple’s therapy session, as he explained how he had fallen into an extramarital affair.
I asked him, “I’m clear that you believe the heat is gone. Is the marriage gone? Those can be two separate things.”
He would go on to share that to him the heat had always been a huge part of the invisible glue that held a marriage together. The heat he referring to was the sexual energy, attraction, and tension in a relationship. He shared that those feelings had vanished years ago and it bothered him. Eventually he started an affair as a way to deal with the boredom that had set in, within the relationship.
His wife discovered the affair and was making plans to file for a divorce. She had reached out to an attorney reflexively out of anger. Her reaction was understandable and I asked them both to hold off on making any decisions until they had more time to process what was happening in the relationship. She also cooled down quickly after her husband reminded her that she had had an extramarital affair 15 years ago.
Reports show that between 10 and 15 percent of women and 20 and 25 percent of men are unfaithful. Additionally, a primary reason people stray is due to sexual boredom and not due to a lack of love from their partner.
In over 25 years of supporting couples through challenging times in their relationships, my best advice is to move slowly and cautiously before ending, what I refer to as a deep-root relationship, over infidelity. I define a deep-roots relationship as one that is rich in positive history, grounded in common values, and framed inside a loving and supportive friendship. People in deep-root relationships have an excellent chance of weathering these relationship storms, especially when they want to stay together.
People would also benefit from relaxing on the subject of extramarital affairs, as they have been around since the dawn of marriage. It’s a reality that many people don’t want to face, yet it happens. Marriage is a social construct and institution that was created by human beings and leaves little if any room for human frailties, desires, and drives. The reasons people stray are varied and I will dive into them in a future post.
For now, let’s stick with the topic of boredom and how to deal with it when it meanders into your relationship. And if you stay together long enough, boredom will drop in for dinner.
The most thorough explanation of the phases of love relationships that I’ve come across is Helen Fisher’s book Anatomy of Love. According to Fisher, “The initial euphoric phases of infatuation fade. Love is strongest in pursuit. At some point that old black magic wanes. For teenagers a crush can last a week. Lovers who see each other irregularly can sometimes sustain that smitten feeling for years. “
In so many ways, societal messaging about love and relationships sets couples up for an emotional fall if they don’t understand what the ebbs and flow of a relationship can look and feel like. The “Disney Romance Package” filled with non-stop euphoria has an expiration date.
One of the most beautiful and enduring phases of a relationship is called the “attachment” phase. Feelings of security and warmth mark this phase.
Whatever you may think of boredom, it does offer a perfect opportunity to transform dull states into fantastic states of familiarity and appreciation.
Here are three ways you can face and conquer boredom while preserving your deep-roots relationship.
- Renegotiate your partnership in an honest way. I’ve been astounded by the number of couples who have opened up about the lack of deep and honest dialogue about the changes they have experienced individually and in their relationships. One woman shared, “I miss seeing my family terribly. We have lived in different time zones for years and it’s taken a toll.” After finally having a conversation with her partner about setting money aside to see her family twice a year, she was astounded when he said, “Why not go quarterly?” The boredom and resentment that had settled into their relationship vanished almost immediately. She was refreshed by the travel and he was renewed by her positivity and optimism. Speak to your partner about what you need in the relationship. Needs change over time. Everything is negotiable.
- Schedule time to celebrate your deep-roots relationship intentionally. In this transient world, bonded relationships that have stood “a test of time” are worth celebrating. Every relationship has its own unique evolutions. No relationship is perfect. Moving through space and time, while navigating the joys and challenges of life together, can strengthen your relationship, if allowed. One couple I worked with developed a daily ritual of a sweet and slow kiss over a glass of wine nightly. It was their way of renewing the bond continuously and a reminder that “we’re in this thing together.”
- Use the familiarity of the relationship to explore the new and unexpected. As a therapist and lover of relationships, it breaks my heart that at the very moment when a relationship is what I call “fully vested” (10 years plus), many couples allow a feeling of boredom to take hold and lower the vibration of the partnership. Can you think of a better person to explore new adventures with than a familiar friend that you trust? One man I worked with turned to his husband of 16 years and announced, “I want to take you on a trip to see the ocean.” His husband said, “I never thought of you as a beach-goer.” To that he replied, “Me neither! It’s time for us to see and enjoy new sights together.” A simple idea sparked a new chapter of fun in their lives.
At the end of the day, boredom offers an opportunity to grow your relationship in powerful ways.
