When my young friend Sebastian heard he had lost his biological brother to suicide—a brother he had never known—his life was temporarily upended.
Soon after, we spoke about the many questions and concerns this news elicited in him. Sebastian related a complex family story that includes many of the greatest losses, failures, and traumas human beings can suffer.
Sebastian’s father died when he was only 6 years old. He says his mother was not abusive, but her addiction to methamphetamine caused her to neglect her children, and she could not provide a safe home for them.
He recalls that most of the time, he and his siblings fended for themselves from whatever meager groceries were in the house. She would leave them unsupervised for long periods.
The adoption story
When his mother eventually gave up her parental rights, Sebastian was adopted by a loving, stable couple at age 8 after two years in the foster care system. His was a closed adoption. Because of his mother’s untreated drug problem, she was not allowed contact with Sebastian when he was a minor.
Sebastian thrived in his adoptive family but maintained a quiet sense of loss, self-doubt, and abandonment that are common to children given up by their biological parents. Many feel a yearning to understand more about their origins.
The National Institutes of Health reports that the incidence of young children entering foster care because of parental drug use more than doubled, from 15 to 36 percent, between the years 2000 and 2017. This indicates that many children experienced Sebastian’s situation and are now adults reckoning with all that happened and why.
Why couldn’t my mother choose me over drugs? How could she give up and let me go? Now, Sebastian studies psychology and counseling and has a better understanding of the cruelties of addiction. He knows he wasn’t the problem.
The cruelties of addiction
Both of Sebastian’s biological parents struggled with addiction. His father was a Vietnam veteran whose addiction started with various substances provided to him during his service.
His mother, also an adoptee from foster care as a child, became an addict by the age of 9. Though Sebastian believes his parents had a loving relationship, it is no wonder that they struggled to manage the needs of their growing family.
Preparing to meet the family
When Sebastian received the call informing him that his brother had hanged himself, he was invited to join his remaining siblings and mother to mourn and bury their brother. Saying yes meant an opportunity to meet family members who were strangers to him and a mother he hadn’t seen for nearly 20 years.
The family consisted of 10 children before the suicide. Two are half-siblings from a different mother, six are from Sebastian’s parents (he’s number eight), and the youngest two are his mother’s children from a different father.
To hear that his brother ended his life in such an awful way was extremely jarring, as suicide always is. He wondered what he would find when he showed up at his mother’s door.
Sebastian experienced many feelings about this abrupt new development in his peaceful and productive life. He is happily married, has a dog and a cat, has graduated with a bachelor’s degree, is currently pursuing graduate work, and serves as the worship pastor in a local church.
Sebastian and I began to process his feelings and fears. We talked through his plan for coping emotionally with the loss of a brother he never knew, reunification with his mother, and encountering unknown family members.
To his credit, Sebastian approached this opportunity with his characteristic gentle acceptance and optimism. He imagined the moments of seeing his mother’s face and meeting his siblings. He was open and curious about their lives.
I affirmed his positive attitude and high hopes for the upcoming encounter, gently cautioning him to keep realistic expectations. Reunifications can bring healing and understanding, but they can also bring crushing disappointment if expectations are too high.
Afterwards
Sebastian returned to church the next Sunday with one of his brothers. He and this young man seemed to have quickly developed a warm rapport with one another. Sebastian openly shared his gratitude that relatives he never knew as a child could potentially become friends as adults.
A couple of weeks elapsed before Sebastian and I could further debrief about his experience. He showed me photographs taken at the family reunion that included several of his siblings, an aunt, and his mother.
Sebastian said that when his mother opened the door, they embraced, and he felt familiarity and warmth. This was a relief.
It was clear that many years of meth use had damaged her physically and mentally. She admitted to him as they conversed that she still uses, but it’s “only a little meth.” She remains in significant denial about the level of destruction and harm her addiction has brought to her and her family.
He learned that the brother who died had been a longtime low-level drug dealer, and another brother was still in the throes of drug addiction. But Sebastian was happy to witness that other family members appeared to be doing well for themselves.
My warnings about realistic expectations turned out to be appropriate. Because Sebastian had prepared with prayer and spiritual support from his pastors and friends, he was able to approach the encounter without needing to control the outcome.
He managed his emotions well, which allowed him to exert a healing influence on the family. He helped to set a tone of understanding and reconciliation through his emotional and spiritual maturity.
Sebastian said his biggest takeaways from the experience centered on gratitude and resilience.
He is grateful to his adoptive mother and father, who have done a stellar job of raising him to be a strong and loving human being. He is grateful that he has strong faith in God.
Sebastian is thankful that in spite of the tragedy that brought them together, their reunion opened doors to new and vital relationships.
He recognizes that he has become highly resilient because of his past. The fact that his mother did not take proper parental responsibility and essentially abandoned him still stings. But it is a sting he can endure because whatever happens from here, he has forgiven her and is free to live the life he chooses.
He prays that his mother will seek help and break free of the chains of addiction but understands that this is outside his control. He must continue to focus on his own fruitful life.
Sebastian hopes to continue the process of connecting with his biological family. He says that his adoptive parents are not threatened by this. They are secure that they have done right by him and support his need to learn about the other family he lost so long ago.
While managing expectations, Sebastian looks forward to carefully integrating these family members into his life to a healthy degree so that some may have roles in the rest of his life story.
