There is a little girl in me. She’s uncontrollable sometimes and it drives me crazy. She’s in those pre-teen years and puberty isn’t helping. She wants to scream at the smallest things that don’t go her way. The thought of messing up is unbearable. She cares so much about what everyone thinks. She needs to control everything, including me, and I can’t stand it.
There’s also a baby girl in me. She’s 2 or 3 and her daddy is her hero. She’s loved and adored, surrounded by family—grandmas, grandpa, aunties, uncles, cousins; she’s got her village. She’s happy. She’s on top of the world.
She loves her dad even though he scares her sometimes. She just wants to know why he’s so angry. So she keeps on wondering, walking on eggshells around him, trying to figure him out. She knows he’s hurt but doesn’t know how to approach him. So she learns how to navigate his moods, which sometimes requires sacrificing her needs and values.
She becomes the teenager in me—angry, angsty, and pissed off. She’s tired of having to submit. She’s tired of the lack of freedom, unfairness, emotional instability, and constant monitoring. She can’t stand having to fight to have control of her own life. She just wants to be left alone.
She copes and tries to exert her independence by going to parties and festivals—all the while also maintaining straight-A’s because anything less would be unacceptable.
She’s been so angry and pissed that she took control of the steering wheel and has never looked back. She’s driven all over the world now, full speed, but a decade later, she’s exhausted. She’s ready to slow down but doesn’t know how.
So she sought help and found some co-pilots along the way including her grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, therapists, friends, partners, colleagues, and mentors. She finally found the guidance and support she had been crying out for this entire time.
And she grieved endlessly. She grieved through therapy, meditation, mindfulness, psychedelics, psychodrama, and so much more. She learned how to grieve for all of the little girls in me using Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic intervention that allows you to examine yourself as all of your many different, beautiful parts (sort of like the movie “Inside Out”).
The angry teen in me needed me to grieve for her so that she could grieve for all of us. And then we both became what we needed back then back there—someone to see us and sit with us through the tough times.
I’m 33 now and I feel like my inner teen is finally trusting me to let me drive. It was a slow process—she started in the passenger’s seat but now she’s in the back, sometimes napping or just singing along to our favorite songs with me.
IFS allowed me to see and love all of my parts who have been working so hard to protect me. I love my managers—the anxious, hypervigilant teen who can’t help but take over in times of stress, the judge who can never cut me any slack, and the independent, parentified child who can’t trust anyone, my firefighters—the party animal in me who just wants some quick relief, and my dear exiles—all the little girls in me who’ve been hurt and alone in it.
I love all of my parts—but my inner teen has always been one of my loudest parts because she has had to work the hardest. Her energy is endless and I’ve always felt the most connected to her. I thank her for all that she’s gotten me through. And it also feels so good to finally let her rest because now, I know—we know—that I’ve got this.
Over time and with practice, connecting to my parts became easier. It starts with pausing, focusing inward, noticing what’s happening in your body, and identifying what part is being triggered. It can start with an emotion like anger, sadness, guilt, resentment, etc. I ask myself: What is this feeling reminding me of? How old am I? What was I doing? Once I identify my age, the memories usually start flooding me.
One of my favorite aspects of IFS and parts work is being able to see myself as the nuanced, colorful, and dynamic person I am, full of so many parts. IFS has helped me learn to love and manage all of these parts so that my managers can take a break.
