Years of social anxiety forced me to learn everything about confidence around other people. I found an amazingly fine line between getting caught up in anxiety and enjoying social interactions. Here’s what I learned that helped me the most.
Here are 8 common traits of people who tend to have high self-esteem:
1. They don’t try to be confident
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When sensing their lack of confidence, most people try to compensate by trying to be more confident. This is a mistake and one I fell for many times. If we’re trying to be anything, we are placing pressure on ourselves. This amps up our self-consciousness and puts more on our minds to confuse and stall us.
Trying to be more confident sends a message to ourselves: ‘I’m not content with who I am — I have a problem.’ Let go of trying to be anything, and you will find relief.
Research published in 2022 suggests that constantly “trying” to be confident can be counterproductive, as it often leads to a focus on self-doubt and a forced presentation of self, which can appear inauthentic and potentially damage credibility.
Instead, research emphasizes the importance of building confidence through genuine actions, skill development, and self-compassion, naturally allowing confidence to emerge from competence and positive self-perception.
2. They listen with intent
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At the heart of social anxiety lies a constant need to pay attention to ourselves. We judge ourselves when we’re anxious like this, and it makes us uptight. Instead, we need to put the attention elsewhere — like on other people. This takes the pressure off you and is relaxing.
When we focus on truly listening to what others are saying, we can connect with another human in a way that most do not. Most people are in their heads and trying to be impressive. Instead, listen. You will immediately feel more confident.
Research published in the International Journal of Listening indicates that active listening significantly improves interpersonal relationships by fostering feelings of being heard and understood, leading to positive outcomes like increased empathy, reduced defensiveness, and stronger rapport between individuals.
Studies show active listening people are perceived as more socially sensitive and skilled communicators. Active listening can even positively impact the listener’s personal attitude changes and self-awareness.
3. They present themselves as their ‘tidiest real self’
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I say it this way because some gurus might say to walk around dressed to the nines in flashy, sharp outfits to make you feel more confident. Wrong. If you’re self-conscious, you’ll feel even more so. Instead, be as understated as you like, but tidy yourself up. Don’t have stains on your trousers. Feel good about yourself by presenting yourself cleanly. This breeds comfortable self-respect.
Research published in 2023 shows a strong correlation between high self-confidence and reduced social anxiety, indicating that a positive self-image can act as a buffer against the negative thoughts and feelings associated with social situations, allowing individuals to feel more comfortable interacting with others. Essentially, a strong sense of self-worth can mitigate the fear of judgment and criticism often present in social anxiety.
4. They don’t tolerate stressful thoughts
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Stressful thoughts are not as significant as you think. Leave them alone. This will do you more good than almost anything else. Get back to the moment. See negative thoughts like buzzing flies. Let them float up and pass by, but don’t try and grab them and invite them in for dinner as most do. It’s holding on to these thoughts that make us feel anxious.
Research published by the Journal of Clinical Psychological Review indicates that the ability to “let go” of stress, often referred to as “non-attachment” in mindfulness practices, is strongly linked to improved mental health and well-being, with studies showing that individuals who can readily release negative emotions after a stressful event tend to experience better overall psychological outcomes and may even have improved physical health over time.
5. They understand everyone is flawed
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You need to see the connection we all share. We’re all struggling on this spinning ball. Social anxiety breeds very well in an environment of ‘feeling different’ to others and thinking you’re unique. You are not uniquely human — just uniquely you. Enjoy the sense of connection that comes with knowing we’re all insecure, flawed, and weird.
6. They decide to enjoy themselves
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Your enjoyment in social situations — in any situation — is NOT conditional. You bring the enjoyment, no matter the task or the situation. Confident people know that things don’t need to be a certain way for them to enjoy themselves.
You could be exhausted after a hike on a cold, rainy mountain top and still enjoy yourself. This is the attitude to bring. Choose right now to have fun, no matter what. If you’re with people, be the one to enjoy yourself. See how this lifts you and the others around you.
Research indicates that even individuals with social anxiety can find enjoyment in social settings. However, they may experience reduced positive affect compared to those without the disorder and often need to carefully select low-stress situations and supportive social circles to maximize positive experiences, according to a 2022 study.
Studies have shown that the presence of close friends and familiar people can significantly mitigate anxiety and enhance the positive aspects of social interaction for people with social anxiety.
7. They look for the interesting parts in people
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If we’re nervous socially, we’re thinking about ourselves and how we’re coming across. We’re fascinated by us. And yes, there is a selfishness to this. Let go. You must — it’s for your good — find a way to be fascinated by another human.
Actively look for interesting aspects of the person in front of you. Ask them interesting questions. That’s how you become interesting.
When you get curious, guess what happens? The spotlight is off you, and you will relax. A 2014 study suggests that people with social anxiety may be particularly drawn to others who share similar characteristics or experiences, reinforcing the “similarity attraction” theory. Still, their heightened anxiety can also make it difficult to accurately perceive similarity and potentially hinder relationship-building due to fear of judgment and negative self-perception.
8. They make others feel important
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This subtle yet powerful mindset shift will change your life. Find ways to put others in a favorable light. Encourage people. Big up their strengths. Be the supporter and make others look good in front of others. You are the leader. It’s no longer about you.
It’s about putting other people in a good light. This shift in attention will profoundly impact your social experiences, confidence, and the respect you garner from those around you.
People with social anxiety can make others feel important by actively listening, showing genuine interest in their experiences, using positive affirmations, and focusing on asking open-ended questions to encourage deeper conversation while also being mindful of their anxiety triggers and managing them effectively during interactions, according to a 2021 study published by the Journal of Anxiety Disorders.
Finally, know this: just because you’ve been socially anxious in the past does NOT mean that you can’t develop confident habits today.
Your past anxieties do not mean you are a socially anxious person. I know this because I have seen my transformation. It’s nothing about you. It’s about your habits. You can live a confident life. It’s who you are at your core.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient.
