Dear Beloved Readers,
Over the years, many of you have shared your personal journeys with me—your stories of healing, growth, and the challenges you face. It’s always an honor to walk alongside you, and I’m so grateful for the trust you place in me. Recently, one of you asked a powerful question that touched on trauma, parenting, and healing. The depth of this question deserves more than a quick response, so I’m breaking my answer into a three-part series.
This approach allows us to dive deeper into each layer of the question, giving you time to reflect, absorb, and apply what you learn before moving to the next part. My heart is to ensure that each post provides practical steps and spiritual guidance while honoring the complexity of the topic.
Thank you for being part of this journey. I hope this series blesses you and offers insights that resonate with your own experiences.
This deeply vulnerable question from one of the women in our community prompted my desire to slow down, pause, pray, and reflect. Her words resonated with me because they reflect a challenge so many of us face but rarely speak about. She shared her struggle with parenting after experiencing emotional trauma and how that trauma affects her reactions, particularly when her child acts out. I want to share her story with you because I believe there’s something in it for all of us:
Story/Question: “I have left well and I have grown so much in areas of fear, guilt, and codependency. Thank you for your help in these areas through Conquer, your blog, your books, etc. What I am struggling with now is my responses to anger and bullying in other people other than my ex-husband, especially the 13-year-old I have been raising since he was 3. He and I both have been abused emotionally and mentally with threats of physical abuse through body language and verbal threats. He was abandoned by his parents and struggles with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and severe ADHD. Disciplining him can be quite a challenge. Sometimes I am patient and calm. Unfortunately, sometimes I react quickly with anger when I feel threatened or disrespected. But there have been times when I have allowed my anger to rise up, and I have used physical aggression such as pushing him into a position where he can’t threaten me and smacking or slapping him to make him stop verbally being abusive. I never like this type of discipline, but in the moment, I feel defensive and as if I am losing control. I rise up and use the things I hate and that were used against me. It is inappropriate, and I apologize and pray, but something will happen a month or so later, and I will feel that same anger and response that makes me feel like I have to protect myself. I can sometimes walk away, other times I begin responding and stop myself, and sometimes I mess up and yell and use my body to try and bully him into submission. I do not hit (I have slapped), but I have felt the urge to hit him with my fists when he becomes extremely abusive himself. I hate the anger and the out-of-control feelings. I know he is not my abusive husband, but I react as if he is. How do I stop this response reaction, and how do I make amends with my kid? I want him to grow up and be healthy. I don’t want him to continue being disrespectful and using abusive tactics himself. He is in counseling twice monthly, and I see a Christian counselor monthly. We talk about this, and I hear that we are responding to our trauma. I want to stop the response before it happens. Do I have to always be this way? I have never been an angry or defensive person before my abuse experience. I hate how it has changed me.”
LeAnne’s Response: Precious sister, your honesty is a gift to all of us, especially because it touches on something so tender: the way our past wounds sometimes affect how we parent. I want to take time to unpack your question because many of us have struggled with reacting out of anger, especially when parenting, dear one you are not alone. My response will come to you in 3 parts over the next 3 weeks right here in our blog.
As a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) Practitioner, I’ve seen how trauma can sneak into our responses, especially when we’re dealing with challenging behaviors in our children. Trauma is like an unwelcome guest—it shows up when we least expect it, demanding to be heard. But, friend, there is hope. Let’s start by understanding why these reactions happen and what we can do to begin breaking this painful cycle.
The Cycle of Trauma Responses in Parenting
If you’ve ever found yourself reacting in ways you don’t like—raising your voice, feeling defensive, or even feeling physical tension—it’s important to know that this is not a reflection of who you are in Christ. Trauma has a way of making us feel like we’re still in danger, even when the threat is no longer there. Your body remembers past hurts and sometimes reacts as if it needs to protect itself, even when the situation doesn’t call for it.
The Bible reminds us of this truth:
Scripture
“God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” —2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)
This verse is such a beautiful reminder that while trauma may want to control our reactions, God has already equipped us with the tools to respond differently—with power, love, and self-discipline. Sister, you are not stuck in this cycle. Let’s talk about how we can lean into His strength and take practical steps to change our reactions.
Personal Story
I once worked with a mother who faced similar struggles. When her son would get angry, she felt her own defensiveness rise, and before she knew it, she was yelling or reacting in ways that surprised her. After spending time understanding her trauma triggers and practicing new ways to respond, she found that she could pause before reacting. She told me that those pauses—those tiny moments where she caught her breath—gave her space to ask God for help. And slowly, she started noticing a shift. Her reactions became calmer, more thoughtful, and less rooted in fear. It wasn’t an overnight change, but it was a journey of grace.
As women of faith, we are often taught to show grace, love, and patience in all circumstances. But what happens when the trauma we’ve experienced makes it difficult to respond from a place of calm? When anger or defensiveness rises up unexpectedly, it can feel like we’re losing control, and often, we may not even understand why.
Breaking the Cycle
Now, let’s talk about how you can start breaking this cycle. These aren’t quick fixes, but small, faithful steps that will lead to change over time.
1. Pause and Breathe:
I know it sounds simple, but sometimes the most powerful things are. When you feel that familiar rush of anger or defensiveness rising, take a breath. Give yourself permission to pause. This pause creates space between the trigger and your response, and in that space, you can invite God in.
Scripture
“Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” —Psalm 4:4 (NLT)
This verse reminds us that it’s okay to step back before we respond, to think and breathe before acting.
2. Recognize Your Triggers
Take some time to reflect on the moments that tend to trigger your reactions. Is it when your child raises their voice? When you feel disrespected? Understanding your triggers is the first step toward addressing them. Ask God to reveal what’s beneath those triggers, and let Him guide you toward peace.
Scripture
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” —Psalm 139:23 (NLT)
Let this be your prayer as you work through the feelings that rise up in those challenging moments.
3. Create a “Pause Plan”
Planning ahead helps. Decide now what you’ll do when you feel triggered next time. Will you step away for a moment? Will you take deep breaths? Will you say a quick prayer for peace? Having a plan can help you feel more prepared when the moment arises.
Scripture
“Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up.” —Hebrews 12:1 (NLT)
Let’s cast off the weight of reacting out of anger, and instead, choose the freedom that comes from responding in peace.
Faith and Grace
Friend, this journey takes time. You will not get it perfect every time, and that’s okay. God’s grace is big enough to cover every mistake. What matters is that you’re taking steps toward healing, and He is with you every step of the way.
Scripture
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” —2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)
Action Steps
Here are a few things you can try today:
- Practice breathing: Next time you feel that wave of defensiveness, pause. Take three deep breaths. Notice how it shifts your reaction.
- Identify your triggers: Reflect on recent moments when you felt overwhelmed or reactive. What was the common thread? Write it down and pray over it, asking God to reveal what’s beneath those feelings.
Journal Prompt: What triggers have I noticed in my parenting that might be linked to past trauma? How can I invite God into those moments to help me respond differently?
Prayer: Lord, help me to recognize when my trauma is influencing my reactions. Guide me to pause and breathe when I feel overwhelmed, and give me the strength to respond with grace and patience. Thank You for Your wisdom and the peace You provide. Amen.
Friends, In this first post, we have explored why trauma can affect our reactions and how to begin breaking the cycle of emotional responses. In the following posts, we’ll discuss rebuilding trust after conflict and empowering both yourself and your child for long-term healing. Until next time, Be well and stay tuned for parts two and three!
How have you noticed when your past trauma influenced your reactions? What scriptures or prayers help you find peace when you regret your behavior?
