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“No is a complete sentence,” is my favorite recommendation when it comes to setting boundaries. I first heard this phrase at a women’s entrepreneurial conference from keynote speaker Cate Luzio, founder and CEO of the women’s co-working space Luminary in Manhattan. When my answer is “No,” and I find myself launching into a long explanation, I remember this crucial piece of guidance and stop. For what purpose am I explaining—to appease the other person, or to placate myself?
In her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you stay safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay emotionally and mentally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.”
It’s hard to say no. Especially when we’re so used to saying “yes.” I would worry that a friend would reject me or abandon me. As someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I was hypersensitive to that possibility. But if a friend can’t accept your no, then they weren’t the friend you thought they were to begin with.
In her essay “We Don’t Need Self Care—We Need Boundaries,” psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin, writes that setting boundaries “means that you have to learn how to say no, and recognize that it’s nobody else’s responsibility to say no for you.”
I remind my clients of this all the time. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation,” I tell them. “It’s time to prioritize yourself and your emotional well-being instead of everyone else.” Women are used to being the default caretaker until there is nothing left for ourselves.
Lakshim writes, “Self-care is the internal hard work of making tough decisions for yourself and by yourself. It starts with recognizing that you have limits, and you really do have to choose what you prioritize because just like everyone else, you are human. It’s actually not that pleasant of a process, because it means you have to set boundaries.”
When I’ve had difficulty setting boundaries my feelings included resentment which often developed into rage. When I was caring for my father before he passed away, I felt as though I couldn’t say no. I was doing his grocery shopping after I finished a long day at work, then heading to his apartment to put the food away. He’d berate me because I got a cake with nuts or the wrong flavor ice cream, though he hadn’t specify it in the first place. Exhausted, I still faced an hour’s drive home. My instinct was to avoid him but then I’d feel guilty because there was no one else to help him unless my brother made the hour-plus drive down from Connecticut. Then I felt guilty about that.
According to Tawwab, feeling resentment and wanting to avoid the people whom you think might ask you for something are two signs that you need boundaries. Other signs include feeling overwhelmed; making comments about helping people and getting nothing in return; feeling burned out; daydreaming about dropping everything and disappearing; and having no time for yourself.
When my father died in 2013, I thought I’d feel a sense of relief. The rage and resentment I’d pushed down bubbled to the surface and I plummeted into a severe depression. Eleven months after he passed away, I made my fourth suicide attempt. That was over 10 years ago. That I tried to take my life is not as simple as not being able to say no to my father. But there’s no telling what direction my life would have taken if I’d been able to set boundaries with him.
Tawwab writes, “adult children of alcoholics [which my father was] can have a difficult time setting limits. Parents with addiction issues often send the message that a child’s boundaries are not more significant than the parent’s addiction. So these children grow up struggling to understand and define limits.”
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I didn’t learn there were these things called boundaries until after both my parents passed away. My mother and I had an enmeshed relationship that fed off my being ill. I wanted desperately to hear my father tell me he was proud of me so I would have done anything he asked. Learning to set boundaries with friends has been difficult and I’m by no means perfect at it. But when I tell someone no because I’m making myself the priority, it sure feels good.
