Morning friend,
Let me share something I’ve been doing lately that has brought me a greater sense of peace, self-control, and joy. I don’t do it perfectly, but I’ve been doing it more often. I pause and notice. For example, when I walk, I am deep into my audiobook. I pause, stop listening, and take notice of what’s around me for a bit. I listen to the bird song, I see another walker, I smell the flowers blooming, and I feel joy.
I’ve learned to press pause when I start to feel anxious, upset, or irritable. I want to notice what’s going on in my thinking, my body, my feelings, as well as my external world so that I can make the next right choice instead of reacting or staying miserable. When someone is talking and I’m busy thinking about how I might respond I press pause and stop thinking, and deeply notice what they are saying and their body language – called listening. I often find that I learn so much when I am fully present listening (rather than thinking). It helps me know how to respond more wisely when it’s my turn to talk. Try it. Pause. Notice. Let me know what happens for you.
Today’s Question: My son used to be very discerning and intuitive about his dad. His dad, my husband, used to verbally assault both of us. I chose to stay well so my son would never have to be with my husband alone. He was afraid of his dad and never wanted to go anywhere with him alone.
This worked ok for a time. But then my husband changed his tactic and started love bombing our son. Now my son, 15, is now siding with the abuser. This was heartbreaking and I couldn’t understand it for over a year. I prayed and the answer was Stockholm syndrome. I’m not sure now if it was the best thing to stay. Or if now I should get out of the marriage. Here are my questions.
1. How do I help my child?
2. Am I contributing or doing something that makes it hard for my child to continue to see the Truth? Are there things you’ve seen or heard from other women that they did that was detrimental to their children?
I have done my work, but I’m devastated about what has happened to our child. I can’t go back and change anything now, but I need advice on how to move forward. What am I missing?
Is there more I need to change to help my child? If so, please tell me what you see.
Answer: My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry that your son is now siding with his dad who has been abusive towards you and him. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it’s tempting to get caught in the “I should have, could have, would have” regrets. I love that you said you can’t go back and change things that you’ve already done. You’re right. That chapter has closed and it’s time to write a new chapter in your parenting story. Let’s call this new chapter, How do I parent a 15 year old son who doesn’t want to hear from his mother?
This new season of parenting is not unique to your situation or to your son. A mother and son relationship does shift in the teenage and young adult years. That doesn’t mean it has to be bad, but it’s not the same. It’s crucial that you accept that transition.
Most 15-year-old sons don’t want to hang out with or be closely parented by their mother. Rightly so. Even if you had a great relationship with your son when he was little, this is a time for him to stretch his wings and try out his emerging man-self. This new “man-self” doesn’t want to “need a mom” to solve his problems or help him. He wants/needs to feel capable and competent. He wants to figure things out for himself. He longs to become independent and stand on his own two feet. It is also normal for a 15-year-old boy to start identifying with his father. His father is a man, and your son is figuring out how to be a man. Their bond might grow and be stronger during this season, regardless of their past-history. Is it possible for you to be grateful that your husband is no longer verbally assaulting your son, even if his behavior hasn’t changed towards you?
You asked two questions, let me start with your first one. How do you help your child?
As already mentioned, your first big step is to accept that your child is no longer a child. Therefore, you parent differently. It’s crucial that you treat him as someone who can have choices, does have an opinion, and would prefer to hang out with his dad or friends than his mom. I would encourage you to try hard not to take these things personally. Most mothers of sons experience this pulling away, even if there was no abuse in the home. It’s not a rejection of you, it’s a rejection of his “need” for you as a mom. If you can emotionally accept that reality, then you can patiently forge a new relationship with him as a soon to be adult and “parent him” in different ways.
How you can most help him during this transition is for you to get/stay as healthy and strong as you can. In this transition between child to man, a mother also must make a transition from being “the mom” who’s been a caregiver/problem solver, nurturer in his life, to someone who is more than a mom. She must become a person in her own skin, who has her own feelings, needs, limits, and goals. For example, how you talk and discipline changes. Instead of scolding him, punishing him, or correcting him for misbehavior (which is your old mom hat), now if he verbally assaults you, you might instead say, “Ouch, that really hurts me” or “I don’t deserve that.” Or “I can’t listen to you when you talk to me like that” and walk away. He does not get access to you, your help, your attention, your time, your money, your car, etc., when he treats you as an object (like his father has done).
There may be opportunities during this season to have more thoughtful conversations with your son. Perhaps while driving in the car or doing a house chore together where you can say, “I’m so glad your dad and you have a better relationship. As you are becoming your own man, you will have to decide what kind of man you want to be. Dad has some great qualities (if that’s true). Perhaps he’s a hard worker, or he’s intelligent, or creative, but he also has a short fuse and a cruel temper. Think hard about the kind of man you want to be. I don’t think you want to use your words to hurt those you love.”
Short, pithy, wise moments are all he’s going to give you during these years. Therefore, be ready when that moment is there without trying to win him over to your “side”. Because your husband will probably try to continue to alienate him from you, it’s important that you do not get ensnared in “good cop”/ “bad cop” parenting style. For now, logical consequences will be his best teacher, not words. One consequence might be the loss of you doing something for him that he wants you to do. You might say “when you talk to me that way, I do not want to drive in the car with you. Therefore, I will not drive you to school, you’ll have to take the bus”. Or “when you refuse to help out with unloading the dishwasher, then I can’t make dinner until I have a clear, clean space to work.” You don’t have to be mean, but you must be firm. Don’t say something you are not fully committed to following through on or your words will not mean anything to him. That’s why you must also continue to do your own work to value you.
Your second question is what might you be doing that is detrimental or making it hard for him to “see the truth.” You don’t say what you do or don’t do, and you’ve already said your son recognized and labeled your husband’s abuse as abuse when he was younger. For others who are reading this blog understand that when you lie, cover up or pretend by whitewashing dad’s issues, that is not best. For example, saying things like, “Oh he (Dad) didn’t mean it”. Or “He’s just tired, not drunk.” Or “He had such a hard childhood, that’s why he is mean.” Children see. Children know something is wrong even if we do a really good job at trying to make it appear better than it is. By pretending things are better than they truly are, we teach our child not to trust his own perceptions. That doesn’t mean we put the hard truth in front of our children in all its ugly detail. That would be cruel. But it does mean we’re honest with limits. Here’s what that might sound like.
“Yes, your dad has a temper and he’s really mean with his words. I’m so sorry he said those things to you.”
“Dad and I are having marriage problems. You don’t need to know all the details but what dad told you about me having an affair or spending all his money (or whatever dad lied about) is not true.”
Last, your parenting years are winding down. Your marriage is cruel and lonely. It’s crucial that you build a support system of other godly women who can help you, not only through this time, but to build a sense of connection and community with others who care about you.
Our children are not our support system. They need the freedom to love both of their parents and can become more harmed if they feel pressured to take sides. Your husband may be trying to get your son to choose him and reject you so that he can feel “vindicated” or “right”. That harms your son. Therefore, your response is not to prove he’s wrong, and you’re right. That still harms your son.
What you can say instead of “your dad’s a jerk or a narcissistic abuser” is, “I don’t like the way your dad treats me.” Or “I don’t want to have a conversation with someone who won’t listen to my point of view.” Remember your son is trying to find some good in his dad that he can identify with as a man. If you can give him guilt free space to find that rather than label dad as “all bad” your son will get through these years and begin to figure out how he’s “different” from his dad.
Your son will do best if he can love and care for both parents, even when they are flawed and imperfect. Do not put him in the middle or ask him to take sides or fight for you.
You must fight for you so please get the support and help you need to do that in a way that in the end, you feel proud of yourself and how you handled yourself in this tough marriage and parenting season.
Friend, as a mom who has gone through this or is going through this, what other advice do you have to give for her two questions?
