Source: Carl Pickhardt
A very wise high school counselor I knew many years ago believed her role was to help young people recognize what she called “the gifts of adversity.” With countless troubled students (and adults) she did just that. They would come in to see her feeling overburdened and they would leave feeling empowered.
How did she accomplish this psychological transformation—and could parents learn to do the same? This article offers a response to these questions.
One Counselor’s Technique
Her helping “technique,” if you can call it one, seemed to be a two-step process.
- First, she deeply listened and was emotionally empathetic so the young person welcomed this caring company and felt, “You are with me.” For example, she responded to youthful sadness over not getting what was tried out for by supporting the teenager in grieving and mourning the loss.
- Second, she looked for openings for growth that hardship had created so the young person valued her perspective: “You can see possibilities.” For example, she showed the teenager how loss can create two kinds of opportunities: freedom from something, and freedom to explore something else.
When their adolescent is beset by trials, I believe parents can offer themselves in both helping capacities. Hardship can be isolating; often, one feels like they have to go it alone. Suffering can be short-sighted, and preoccupation with one’s pain can make it difficult to envision positive possibilities. Parents can honor emotion and help their teen see ways to move on.
Gifts of Adversity
Worth itemizing are some common rewards that coping with life’s adversities can bring. Many times parents can appreciate growth in their adolescent which the young person, focused on difficulties, cannot see. A few common gains or gifts of adversity, are listed below.
- Challenges are met.
- Capacity is discovered.
- Knowledge is developed.
- Skills are practiced.
- Confidence is gained.
- Roles are taken on.
- Lessons are learned.
- Resources are found.
- Sacrifices are made.
- Support is provided.
- Self-discipline is strengthened.
- Independence is asserted.
- Courage is shown.
- Solutions are found.
- Creativity is stimulated.
- Initiative is shown.
- Responsibility is assumed.
- Caring is invested.
- Love is affirmed
By pointing out the upside of hardships to their adolescent, parents are in no way discounting the downside of suffering to which they have been empathetically listening.
Rather, parents are adding a positive perspective that the young person, preoccupied with struggle, often cannot appreciate. “Even though this change is taking all the attention you have to give right now, we see you developing a capacity for problem-solving you didn’t have before.”
