A sentiment musically phrased by the Beatles five decades ago provides a clear summation of what we all need most in life—good friends to help us get by with as little struggle as possible. We are all driven to connect and build interpersonal ties with others for the purposes of comfort, security, and belonging. While we may sometimes strive to be accepted by cliques that reject us, we deal with rejection by finding a group that does accept us. In fact, social engagement and being part of a social network enhances our self-esteem and leaves us feeling better about the world and ourselves.
As new relationships develop, we consider a “time perspective” in our relational decisions that is influenced by trust. As we get to know a new friend more intimately through increasingly personal interaction, we’re able to assess their level of commitment and investment in the developing relationship.
In the early stages of a relationship, we want evidence of a new friend’s willingness to invest in the relationship at the level that we’re investing. Some of us may even have a subconscious mental scorecard where we keep a running tally of social credits and debits. However, after a friendship has matured, we can let go of the scorecard because our history with the friend provides all the evidence needed for their commitment.
Unfortunately, regardless of the season, there are two scary friend types that it’s normal to be afraid of: energy vampires and ghosts.
Energy Vampires: When the Needs of One Outweigh the Needs of Many
In a classic scene from the Star Trek film The Wrath of Kahn, Spock and Captain Kirk address the importance of healthy and balanced social relationships. Spock surmised that “Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Captain Kirk then affirmed, “Or the one.” We are hardwired both to rely on and to support our communities. And when we develop friendships with others, it makes our communities a nicer place to be.
This can be especially true when a friend turns out to be an energy vampire. These are individuals who need the focus to be on them and who drain all the positive energy that friendships should replenish. They prey on a friend’s good nature and exhibit no awareness that they are sucking the friendship dry.
Energy vampires often are as charismatic as the lead characters in the movie Twilight. They use their charm to keep the friendship focused on them and have no hesitation in guilt-tripping you, one-upping you, making you feel bad, or taking advantage of you. They enjoy drama, so they’ll feed on the reactions of those around them. They will also try to gaslight you in order to stoke drama and sympathy—don’t get caught in the dark.
Ghosters: Now You See’ Em and Now You Don’t
Three decades ago, when a phone rang in the house, everyone might rush to answer it to see who was calling. There was an air of mystery about the ringing of a phone—and waiting for it to ring could be a cause of nagging anxiety or eager anticipation. If you were waiting on someone’s call, it’s likely everyone who lived with you knew it. And if you were trying to avoid someone’s call, everyone had to be in on it, too, so that they would help in the coverup if you were home when the call came. Technology has created a brand-new web of connection that stretches further and can be more tangled than the basic phone.
Phone calls have played a big role in horror movies—from the classic Hitchcock films to Scream, When a Stranger Calls, and Dial M for Murder. The “ghost” doesn’t try to frighten the person on the other end of the line; instead, the ghost is avoiding communication with the person waiting for the call. Text messages will go unanswered, phone calls ignored, and social media reach-outs will be ignored.
In some cases, friends might be experiencing a “communication overload” and unable to respond to all of the messages they receive (Forrai et al., 2023). In other cases, ghosting is an intentional act to limit contact. Not surprisingly, people with high self-esteem may have an easier time ghosting friends with whom they no longer value being around than people with low self-esteem who may need all the friends they can maintain.
In addition, people who choose to ghost others may be more prone to depression—which is further exacerbated by the limiting of their social support network by their own (in)actions. Being ghosted can be devastating—especially when a person can imagine no logical reason for the friendship’s silent demise.
Protection From Ghosts and Vampires
To protect yourself from the emotional distress that these individuals can generate, the first thing to recognize is that their behavior says everything about them and nothing about you. Don’t let your self-esteem suffer because of someone else’s bad behavior.
While a ring of salt has been traditionally used to protect people from supernatural and malevolent entities, it’s not practical for relationship ghosters and energy vampires. The best “ring of salt” is the presence of clear and firm boundaries. Boundaries are the best form of self-care and self-protection that a person can create.
Other Suggestions for Energy Vampire Protection
- Don’t own their criticism or their efforts to make you feel small. They do this to get a reaction, so refuse to give them one.
- Don’t expect ghosters and energy vampires to come over to the “good side” because it’s the “right thing to do.” Expecting people to change is unrealistic unless they have a strong motivator.
- Don’t feed their need for drama by paying too much attention to them or interrupting your own schedule to be their source of energy. Let them enjoy their dramas on their own—life is too short to add to their audience.
- Don’t mince words—sometimes, people don’t realize the effect they have on others until it’s brought to their attention. Truly. Let them know how they make you feel and keep your boundaries intact.
- Let your firm boundaries be your ring of salt against those who cause emotional distress.
