6 Reasons Friends Ghost You During Divorce

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A consistent complaint I hear from my divorcing clients is that their friends, sisters, neighbors, and others, have stopped calling them back or picking up the phone when they call. It can be incredibly hurtful and it makes an already painful circumstance so much more painful. And, it’s unfortunately, not that uncommon.

If ghosting happens to you, this post might help you understand why those close to you may be distancing themselves and what you can do about it.

There are several reasons for friends becoming distant when you lean on them for divorce support. The news of your divorce can throw people into a state of self-centered fear. This reaction can stem from one or more of the following concerns.

Why people stop calling or picking up the phone

Fear of “catching” divorce: Friends and family who are married may fear that your divorce could somehow affect their own marriage, leading them to distance themselves to protect their marriage or relationship. This is most prevalent when their marriage is challenging, but this can occur even if they have a healthy marriage. People end marriages for all kinds of reasons and they end them in various ways. The more unexpected your divorce is, the more those you know might fear this same thing could happen to them.
Awkwardness and discomfort: Some friends simply may have no experience with divorce or may not know how to handle the situation. This is especially true when the couple splitting is still living together, but it may also pertain to those living apart. The discomfort likely stems from a lack of understanding about divorce, a desire to be not caught in the middle, not knowing what to say or do to help, and or fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.
Jealousy: Friends or relatives may be in unhappy marriages themselves. As a result, they might feel jealous of your decision to leave an unhealthy situation because they can’t. This jealousy may manifest as judgment or withdrawal. One woman shared that her mother put her down for leaving because she (her mother) didn’t have that option in her younger days. Her mom said in a roundabout way that she was jealous that her daughter could lead the life she wanted when she was unable to.
Shame: Clients have told me about situations in which they have sought comfort or advice from a loved one only to be made to feel ashamed that they are divorcing (even when it wasn’t their choice to split). The manifestation of shame can feel like jealousy, but shame is much deeper. Jealousy: You’re doing something bad. Shame: You are bad. The actions and attitudes from shamers can be debilitating. The shame these folks spew on you is the shame they impose on themselves. This is often why they don’t feel they can leave an unhappy situation or make authentic life choices. No matter what the cost, they feel they must conform to the mandates of their strict religion, race, or family culture. Their lectures, put-downs, and digs are not about you. The shame belongs to the person who is foisting it on you and others.
Disillusionment: Friends might feel disillusioned by the reality that a marriage, which they may have viewed as healthy and stable, can end. This realization can prompt them to reflect on their own relationship, which can lead to discomfort. One woman told me that several people viewed her and her husband as “the perfect couple” and told her, “If you guys are getting divorced, how could anyone else stay together?”

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Wanting to maintain ties with your ex: When a marriage ends, couple friendships can fall away. Often, perhaps for some of the reasons stated above, these couples fear that you can’t relate to them any longer since you are single now, and they are still married, they might see you as a threat to their relationship, or friends don’t want to get involved. They stop calling and inviting you. Your kids might even stop getting invitations to birthday parties.
Friends who want to stay in touch with your ex and not you find themselves in an uncomfortable position. Rather than talk to you about it, they feel they have to distance themselves from you. It’s quite hurtful to you if or when you find out. You may understandably feel betrayed but they really aren’t doing anything wrong, especially if they are trying not to hurt you. These folks may want to block you so they don’t have to feel guilt or explain themselves. Being left out and being shunned can feel like way too much loss. I encourage you to get support from people who understand—people who are currently, or have been, where you are now. They can help you by providing empathy but also by letting you know how they got on the other side of this challenge.