:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/WhatYouShouldKnowAboutDatingaWidoworWidower_final-a3dea2dde3374a08a4081b1746d7f831.png)
Dating someone who has lost their spouse comes with its own set of challenges. It involves balancing the hope and excitement of a new love with the grief that still lingers. There’s the memory of the person they’ve lost and maybe even a little guilt about opening their heart again. Those mixed emotions aren’t easy, particularly if you’re not sure how that grief might affect your new relationship.
“It may feel intimidating to embark on a relationship with someone who has lost a spouse because you know they have gone through a tremendous loss,” says Dr. Kathryn Smerling, PhD, LCSW, a family therapist and author of “Learning to Play Again: Rediscovering Our Early Selves to Become Better Adults.” For some, this might come with the fear that they’ll always be in competition with the spouse who passed away.
It can be a lot to take in, but don’t let it scare you. Dating a widowed person does have its challenges, but it can also lead to a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with someone special.
It’s Not Like Other Relationships
Dating a widower or widow can be a unique experience that requires a mix of compassion and hope. It can be challenging for a person to seek out companionship following such a profound loss.
If you are starting a relationship with someone who has lost their partner, there are some challenges and considerations to explore. They may hold a heavy emotional burden. They may struggle with feelings of sadness over the loss, as well as guilt about opening their hearts to someone new. The key is to honor these emotions while creating a space for new experiences and memories as a couple.
Understanding the Widow’s Perspective
One of the first considerations when dating a widowed person is to try to understand their emotional experiences as they begin a new relationship. Grief isn’t linear. Every person’s experience will be unique. That means the dating process may not follow the same patterns you might expect when dating someone who is divorced or never married. A widow or widower may experience fluctuating periods of sadness and even longing for their late spouse.
“There is no reason to rush the grief process, especially not to put external obligations and expectations on top of it,” says Alex Dimitriu, MD, a double-board certified psychiatrist at Menlo Park Psychiatry and Sleep Medicine.
It’s not uncommon for widows or widowers to feel guilty about being the surviving spouse. In other cases, they might feel like they are being unfaithful to their partner who has passed away.
Just because someone might feel “ready” to start dating again doesn’t mean the grieving process is over. The start of a new relationship often stirs up complicated feelings.
They might worry that they are moving on too soon. They might also be reminded of what they love and miss about their spouse. Going to dinner at a favorite restaurant might remind them of the last time they were there with their deceased partner. Significant dates (like anniversaries, birthdays, and the date their partner passed) can also bring up fresh waves of emotion.
Don’t be surprised if your new partner approaches the relationship very slowly and carefully. They need time to adjust to the huge changes in their life. Opening themselves up to a new relationship also means opening themselves up to the possibility of that pain and grief again–it’s easy to understand why making themselves vulnerable is so daunting.
While dating a widow or widower may require some patience. Just remember, their hesitance has less to do with you–it’s more about where they’re at emotionally.
Grief Is Always There, But Communication and Support Help
Making your way through the sometimes conflicting emotions grief creates requires strong communication. It’s vital to any healthy relationship, but it becomes even more important when you are in a relationship with someone who is still processing the loss of their partner. The death of a loved one is one of the most painful things we’ll experience in life–and often one of the hardest to talk about. You *need* to be ready to keep talking, even when things get heavy.
Being in a relationship with a widow is complex, explains Whitney Allen, a certified grief educator and coach, young widow, and author of “What Must Be Carried.”
Allen offers advice and support for people experiencing grief, as well as advice for people who may be in a relationship with someone who has lost a spouse. She explains that falling in love with a widowed person is complicated. To do it well, you need to understand that someone can hold enough love for two partners, she says.
“I think it is important to know as the person who is dating the widow/widower that there is no competition. Widows/widowers are able to hold love for both our current partner and our partner who has passed,” she explains.
Patience is also key, she says, because grief is a continual process and something that a person will *always* carry with them.
Being willing to talk about their late partner can help. “We want to talk about these things and be open with you, but often, we may be scared to be vulnerable and honest because we don’t want to scare you away. We don’t want to make you feel like we care about you any less because we want to talk about our person,” Allen says.
Let them know that you are comfortable talking with them about their experience and want to be there for them.
Grief-related topics are going to come up. It can help to ask them how they feel about talking about their late spouse and then be willing to listen without judgment. They might feel comfortable sharing memories, but they might also be in a place where they want to keep some things more private. That’s up to them.
It isn’t your job to try to fix their grief. What you can do is respect their boundaries and create a safe space where they know that they can share if they want to. Be sensitive to their feelings, but make sure they know that talking about their late spouse isn’t a taboo topic.
Honoring the past relationships can help, explains licensed psychotherapist Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW. “Certain images or mementos may still be important for the widow/widower to keep visible,” he explains. “Finding balance between the old and new is key, especially when children are involved. The shift toward the relationship will happen over time if it isn’t forced.”
How to Navigate the Relationship Dynamics
It’s important to remember that your new partner also has people in their life who are also grieving. This may include their kids, extended family, and friends who may also be grappling with the loss. It can be tricky to find your place in their life.
There may be times when you feel like you’re in competition with someone who’s no longer here. Don’t feel bad if you have moments where you feel insecure or intimidated–it’s normal. It is up to you to find ways to deal with those feelings.
What’s important is to remember that you’re not taking their place. Your presence isn’t taking away from their memory.
It can be more complicated if your new partner has kids. Whether they are young or have already flown the nest, they *are* going to have feelings about their surviving parent starting a new relationship. Blended families often come with complicated dynamics, and it’s normal for kids to feel protective of their deceased parent’s memory.
“Don’t try to replace their father or mother. You serve a different purpose, and you will be overstepping your boundaries if you try to replace someone,” Dr. Smerling suggests. “Develop your own relationship which is based on the here and the now, not on what happened before.”
The best thing you can do is be respectful, patient, and empathetic. Focus on creating trust so that you can build a positive connection with your partner’s kids.
Be interested in what they are doing and how they feel. Be curious and engaged. Be authentic with them. Make it known you are there for them as a friend and not as a replacement parent.
Dealing with Grief Triggers and Anniversaries
Grief triggers can come up unexpectedly. People, places, sounds, and smells can all trigger vivid memories that strike out of nowhere. If you are dating a widow or widower, remember that these moments will happen from time to time.
Certain days, such as birthdays or anniversaries, are bound to bring up tough feelings. Don’t ignore them or pretend it’s just another day of the week. Talk to your partner about how they’d like to acknowledge the day–and be sure to ask about what kind of support they need. Some people may want to visit their late partner’s burial spot or memorial site. Others may want to visit a favorite place, spend time reflecting, or just take a few moments to share memories about their late partner.
When grief hits unexpectedly, be empathetic. Listen and remind them that it’s OK to feel that way. Let them know they don’t have to hide their feelings to protect you.
“When the wedding song plays unexpectedly on the way to a romantic Saturday night dinner, don’t dismiss the significance of the widower’s past because it’s inconvenient or you feel the attention should be on you,” says Dr. Kass. “Give your partner, who has lost someone they shared the most meaningful chapter of their life with, space to simply be, breathe, and accept whatever they feel.”
However, make sure that you are also taking care of yourself. Allen says both people in a relationship deserve to feel loved and supported. Supporting someone who is grieving can sometimes be draining. Take time when you need it and prioritize the things that help you feel your best. Grief doesn’t just disappear, so focus on maintaining healthy outlets and coping mechanisms that ensure you’re both getting what you need.
When anniversaries, memories, or tough moments recur, lean in. Be accepting, curious, and supportive. Take care of yourself and your own reactions so you can show up and be a good friend, not a jealous or frustrated partner.
Building a Strong Foundation
Dr. Smerling advises taking things slow. “Have clear and respectful boundaries. When in doubt, ask,” she suggests. “Have open communication channels. You may want to do check-ins: ‘Are we moving too fast?’ ‘Am I pushing your boundaries?’ “Is this comfortable for you?’ You want to be clear and transparent with one another in order to build a foundation based on trust.”
Trust is important for any healthy relationship, including when you’re dating someone who has lost their spouse. Trust takes time, and lingering grief can make that process a bit more complex and slow-moving. It’s going to take time for both of you to feel secure.
You can support the process by being patient, talking openly about what you are feeling, and addressing concerns that you may have. By communicating clearly, you can avoid misunderstandings that might get in the way of your relationship.
Boundaries are vital. It’s not your job to “fix” their grief. “As widows/widowers, we are responsible for our grief. We have to put in the work to grow through this experience and be able to navigate a healthy relationship while living with grief. It is a forever process,” Allen says.
It’s OK to make space for yourself, but remember that boundaries aren’t about building walls to keep people or emotions out. They are about making each person feel respected and listened to in the relationship. You need to know your own limits, and they need to know theirs. That includes when, where, and how much you might talk about their late spouse and when you need to focus on your current relationship.
Creating new traditions to do as a couple is a great way to forge new memories together. This might involve engaging in shared hobbies, traveling together, or just spending time together.
Continuing a shared tradition, like making a favorite meal, keeps the past alive while forming fresh memories.
“In terms of building a relationship with a widow/widower, have new experiences together,” Allen recommends. “Travel, go on fun dates, have both tough and silly conversations that will bring you closer. Experience life together. The best thing about a new relationship as a widow was that I felt like I was alive again. I got to experience falling in love again and exploring life with someone I really cared about.”
Red Flags and Warning Signs
Dating a widower can lead to a lasting, fulfilling, long-term connection, but it’s also important to keep an eye out for a few red flags. One possible sign? If they are always comparing you to their late spouse. Of course, the past is going to have an influence, but if you feel like you’re being pitted against their memory, it’s a sign that something isn’t right.
Avoiding grief altogether can be another major warning sign. If they are further along in their grieving journey, they may have reached a point of acceptance. But if it seems like they shut down or avoid the topic altogether (or they turn to unhealthy coping strategies like anger, alcohol, or social withdrawal when reminders do come up), there’s some unresolved or prolonged grief that needs to be addressed.
It can be hard to move forward if your partner seems to be holding on too tightly to the past. If your partner hasn’t processed their loss or is experiencing lingering signs of complicated grief, try to encourage them to consider grief counseling.
Takeaways
Dating a widow or widower does come with unique challenges and heavy emotions, but don’t be intimidated. If you approach the relationship with empathy, patience, and a willingness to talk, you can build a lasting, meaningful connection. Support them by honoring their grief while creating happy new memories together.
