When we go through a breakup, our emotions can feel like they’re completely out of control. One minute we’re relieved, thinking, I’m better off without them, and the next we’re crying over an old song, longing for their presence. This rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting and confusing and leaves many of us feeling lost.
But as a therapist, I can tell you that this emotional chaos is not only normal—it’s necessary for healing.
Why Breakups Trigger Emotional Chaos
Our brains process breakups in a way that is remarkably similar to grief. In fact, losing a relationship can trigger the same stages of grief that may occur when we lose a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each stage comes with its own emotional intensity, and it’s perfectly natural to move back and forth between them.
The emotional rollercoaster you’re on isn’t a sign that you’re weak or failing to “move on”—it’s a sign that your brain is trying to make sense of the loss. Breakups involve not just the loss of a person but the loss of the future you envisioned with them, the routines you shared, and the emotional safety they provided.
The Importance of Feeling Everything
One of the most important things I encourage my clients to do during a breakup is to allow themselves to feel everything. Often, we try to numb or suppress our emotions, thinking that if we can just “get over it” faster, the pain will go away. But the reality is that avoiding your feelings only prolongs the healing process.
Every emotion you experience during a breakup—whether it’s anger, sadness, relief, or confusion—is valid. And each one plays a role in your healing. In therapy, we often talk about emotions as signals. They’re telling you something important about your inner world, and it’s essential to listen to them.
In my book (linked at the end of this post), I provide tools and exercises to help you sit with your emotions without letting them overwhelm you. Mindfulness practices, journaling prompts, and guided reflections can help you process what you’re feeling in a healthy, productive way.
Navigating the Ups and Downs
The emotional swings after a breakup can make you feel like you’re losing control, but there are strategies you can use to regain a sense of balance. One approach I recommend is creating an emotional “toolkit”—a set of coping strategies that you can turn to when the emotional rollercoaster becomes too much.
These tools help you stay connected to the present moment and give you the space to process your emotions without being consumed by them.
Another key part of navigating the emotional chaos is practicing self-compassion. It’s easy to get frustrated with yourself when you’re feeling vulnerable or emotionally unstable, but remember that healing is not a linear process.
There will be days when you feel like you’re making progress, and there will be days when the pain feels fresh again. Both are part of the journey.
To go deeper and read more about healing from your breakup, check out Break Up On Purpose.
