Source: Lucy-Ann Prideaux / Pixabay
Blue Sisters rocked the New York Times hardcover bestseller list as soon as it was released last month. Nobody Wants This renewed for a second season barely two weeks after launching. Both phenomena feature sisters—and the relationships between them—as main plotlines.
Most relationship types have been well-studied in psychology, perhaps ad infinitum. Parent-child bonds (Did I hear, “Oedipus,” or “Electra”?), romantic partners, and even “alloparents” have gained ground in social science research. That’s all good but, strangely, siblings have not been a major research focus. And many existing sibling studies don’t even differentiate sibling dyads by gender.
Recent research begins to address this, and with good reason. Siblings can be critically important throughout life. Ask anyone who has one. For me, growing up with three older brothers sometimes gave meaning to Nietzsche’s famous, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I didn’t have sisters, though, and neither did either of my parents.
My maternal grandmother and her sister, Sadie, provided my model of sisterhood. It was akin to watching free, constant stand-up. They loved each other fiercely and sometimes grew fierce. One of them could answer the phone to simply hear, “You’re late, get over here now!” or “I told you never to do that!” No hellos, goodbyes.
But they loved each other fiercely, too. Once, at an out-of-town family event, my grandmother and Sadie, both widowed and well into their 80s, shared a room with a hot tub. I suggested a soak and convinced them to forgo swimsuits. They relaxed, oohing and aahing together; joking and giggling like… well… sisters.
I chided my own daughters—(OK, maybe, “firmly stated”?) early on about how lucky they were to have each other. It was a privilege that meant they better be close forever! No one could ever know them as well or have their backs the same way, and they best not squander it.
But as much as I’ve tried to crack their sister code well into adulthood, I haven’t. How can they fight so stridently? How do I help them make up? Why do they get jealous of each other; isn’t that unhealthy? Why does it take so long to work through conflict? And when they do repair after fighting, why does it make me feel so, well, superfluous? Ugh! Brothers are easy in comparison; mine were (and are) direct in both attacks and affection. There may be competition but not jealousy, and we just move on.
What a relief to read the all-but-vituperative salvos in Blue Sisters, and hear Joanne, Kristen Bell’s character in Nobody Wants This, unapologetically label her sister, “my best friend and my worst enemy.” Although research on sisters is not well-tapped (and may be biased due to those with positive relationships being more likely to volunteer), there are things we know:
- Sisters in positive relationships value intimacy and work to maintain it. They support each other, offer respect and trust, prioritize togetherness, and work through conflicts. They utilize this trusted, lifelong sister-partner as a sounding board to grow—both as an individual as well as a pair.
- Sister dyads are characterized by warmer relationships than other sibling constellations. Brother-brother pairs or brother-sister pairs are generally not as close.
- In young adulthood, sisters even enjoy their better relationship quality by utilizing digital spaces (primarily social media for sisters, rather than gaming spaces, as brothers do) to maintain closeness. Social media provides a context for sharing and communication, especially between geographically distant sisters.
- In middle adulthood, one study showed sister bonds are still characterized by emotional intimacy, but some sister pairs have primarily strained or hostile relationships. In other words, sister relationships run the gamut of emotional intensity, positive to negative, and some negativity (hostility, jealousy, and other difficult emotions) is normative in even intimate, healthy sister duos.
- In older adulthood, sister dyads still have closer relationships than other sibling pairs. Conflict mellows with age and, although sisters may bicker, they still count on each other. If the sister dyad is healthy at this age, it can even prevent loneliness, a growing first-world, and often debilitating, epidemic.
- It’s not too late for a healthy sister-sister relationship. As long as you’re alive, there’s time for repair. Siblings commonly wander away from each other in early and mid-adulthood. Work, family, geography, and other pressures shunt siblings aside. But as we mature, sibling conflict tends to decrease, with rivalries for parental attention and other clashes becoming less acute. If you long for a better relationship with your sister, reach out—to her, and perhaps to a family therapist practiced in sibling relationships, if need be.
Source: Olena Bohovyk / Unsplash
With all close relationships, conflict happens. In Blue Sisters and Nobody Wants This, other people grow as uncomfortable with sister-fighting as sisters themselves. Sometimes, one or both sisters may just need a little space. They know their sister is not going anywhere; that she’ll be there when they’re ready.
In time, they’ll repair and love; shop or eat, gab or groan, as much as ever. A true wonder, sisters.
