The story of my life. I am related to Priya.
Hello friends,
I have a story about myself that I caused a lot of pain before I came to my CoDA family…
I am the child of divorce, the first child of a family from a middle-class religious society, with a philandering stepfather and a devoted mother. The guardianship of my two younger siblings was entrusted to me. Of course, from the stepfather who did not fulfill his own responsibility and put this on my shoulders.
My childhood was not so difficult. My adolescence was spent with family disputes. A family where addiction was significant. A mother who didn’t seem very satisfied with her role, in so much pain and nervous that I was also sick and sad because of her pain.
Anyway, I got married when I was young, and two children were the product of this marriage. Against my will we divorced. It was a nightmare for me. In dysfunctional families like mine, divorce, addiction and betrayal are almost inevitable.
My codependent patterns from my childhood showed themselves more in adulthood. Too much responsibility, controlling things, my low self-confidence, withdrawal and isolation. I was saying yes and no at the wrong times. I was not seen and heard and endured successive rejections from my family. In short, the result was that I became a kind yet controlling mother. I influenced the codependent behaviors of my children. This vicious cycle had repeated itself to the point where I got serious illnesses and became more disabled day by day.
Discovering CoDA happened very accidentally by a person (language teacher) of my child who was the miracle of my life. I found a sponsor, worked from day one and was hooked, then progressed through the CoDA Steps. Until then, I thought I was not codependent at all. And now, after years of relationship addiction, I finally found my way to CoDA. Here I slowly learned that my lack of intimacy was due to my childhood experiences and my attachments to others.
My sponsor’s recovery message to me was: “You have to take care of yourself and no one else.” Thank God, I learned a lot of lessons in this bitter life that I had. First, I forgave myself and I forgave others along the way over time. Today I am recovering as an example to offer to my friends.
I feel very good today, there are problems, but why? Because a superior force was added to my life, a higher power that accompanies me until now.
I understand that I have a choice. One day I have good energy and one day I have low energy. In any case today I know that I have the tools of the Program. I have a sponsor. I serve, I work the Steps, I meditate in my own style, I check my daily inventory. Not always, but when I feel bad, it gives me an alarm that I have gone away and left the path of recovery. Likewise, today I know I am in the right place, healing right now, because I approach experiences in a gentle and loving way.
As I attend CoDA meetings, I support myself in an authentic and intentional way. Through learning about CoDA, I became aware of dealing with childhood pain. Today I wish to be involved only in healthy and loving relationships. For me, life without recovery and consciousness means “impairment”!
My servant friend, I am willing to share my story with other friends in recovery.
Messi Y. Tehran, Iran 08.23.2024
