How to Spot the Difference

We’ve all heard that setting boundaries is a good thing. Boundaries keep you safe from people or situations that might be hurtful, upsetting, or toxic. But when does setting boundaries go too far, and how can you tell what’s a boundary and what’s actually plain old manipulation?

What Boundaries Look Like

Here’s an example. Let’s say that lately, every time you talk to your mother, she brings up the fact that you and your long-time partner are not married. You have repeatedly told her that marriage is not in the cards right now and that whenever she brings this up, you feel as though she is not listening to you or respecting your choices. It has gotten to the point that you know she will bring it up every time you talk, and it makes you feel judged and pressured. You have communicated this to her, but her behavior does not change.

The next time you talk to her and she brings this up, you tell her that if she does not stop asking you about this, you are not going to talk to her anymore—if she brings it up, you will remind her that you asked her to stop and will hang up the phone. 

Your mother does not take this seriously, and lo and behold, the next time you speak, she starts talking about marriage. You remind her that you two discussed what would happen if she did this, and you tell her you are hanging up. You do so.

So, what happened here? Someone was doing something to you that made you feel bad. You explained to them how their actions were hurting you, and laid out clear and reasonable expectations going forward. You also explained what would happen if that person did not respect your wishes, and you followed through. This is what setting a boundary looks like.

What Manipulation Looks Like

Imagine this. You have repeatedly asked your partner to help you with chores around the house, and they have consistently ignored you. You ask for help again, and they tell you that they should not have to be responsible for housework because their job is more demanding than yours. They tell you that if you bother them with this again, they will pack up and leave you. When you get upset about this threat, your partner tells you that you are not respecting their boundaries and are gaslighting them.

This “solution” of your partner’s is not meant to help your relationship or protect them from something that is genuinely upsetting or difficult for them—it is just a way for them to get what they want. There is no room for discussion or an attempt to find a compromise or an outcome that will be better for the both of you, and the threat of a breakup is far more egregious and serious than the issue at hand warrants. 

In this case, “setting a boundary” would look more like this: Your partner tells you that after a long day at work, the last thing they want to do is talk about chores, much less do them.

They request that you give them time to decompress after work before asking about chores. If you do bring up this subject right after work, they remind you that they need some time, and that they can talk about this with you later; if you ignore this and keep asking, they tell you that they’re going to the bedroom for some alone time, since you are not respecting their feelings and needs.

See the difference? No harsh threats, no unfair comparisons—just a reasonable request and a just as reasonable reaction.

How Do You Tell the Difference Between Boundaries and Manipulation?

One main difference between setting a boundary and manipulation is respect. 

When setting a boundary, you are asking someone to respect your needs, and are making this request in a respectful manner. Conversely, manipulation involves only a focus on what you want, and does not take anyone else’s needs into account. You are not respecting the other person when you are demanding treatment that is inherently unfair to them and only benefits you.

When discerning the difference between someone who is trying to set a boundary and someone who is trying to manipulate you, consider these factors:

• What did they ask you to change? Is it something you have the ability to change? Is it a reasonable request, or does it seem petty or impossible?
• How did they ask you to change? Did they explain how your behavior was making them feel? Did they attack you or did they approach you respectfully? Did they imply or outright state that the problem was all about you?
• Did they give you the chance to alter your behavior? Did they lay down an ultimatum? Did they explain what you did wrong the next time it happened before they imposed the boundary? Or did they say that no matter what, this is the end?
• Who does this benefit? Did they make this request in order to improve your relationship, or are they the only person who would win in this scenario? Would they be getting what they want at your expense? 
• Is the punishment appropriate for the crime? Does their reaction seem out of proportion to the bothersome act? 
• Was it a request or a threat? Do they want to work with you to solve the problem, or are they threatening to punish you for it?

If someone’s “boundary” involves punishment, a clear win-lose situation, or an impossible ask, that’s manipulation.

So, What Do You Do If Someone Is Trying to Manipulate You?

If you suspect that someone is trying to manipulate you under the guise of “setting a boundary,” try to engage them in conversation about the problem. 

Ask them to explain what they need from you specifically, and why. If they can tell you what’s bothering them, that’s the first step towards compromise and healthy boundaries. 

You can say something like:

• “It sounds like you’re really upset about this. What can I do to help make it better?”
• “I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand what the problem is. Can you explain it to me?”
• “It sounds like you need something from me, but I don’t know what. Can you tell me?”

If their answer doesn’t make sense, seems inappropriate considering the circumstances, or makes you feel like you are being attacked, tell them so.

You can say something like:

• “It feels like you are punishing me for something I didn’t realize I did wrong. Can we talk about it?”
• “I want to understand why you are so upset when I thought I was just making a simple request.”
• “It feels like you’re not giving me a chance to explain or to make things better. Can we try to work together to find a compromise that benefits both of us?”

If you can’t have a calm, rational conversation with this person, it might be time to step away, either temporarily or permanently. Boundaries are one thing; manipulation for the other person’s sole benefit is another.

What If I’m the One Being Manipulative?

We’ve all tried to manipulate circumstances in our favor at one time or another. We’ve all also needed to set boundaries with people in our lives. But if you suspect that you might have been manipulative when trying to set a boundary with someone, you can ask yourself these questions:

• Am I actually trying to improve the situation, or do I just want out?
• Is what I am asking for impossible or unreasonable?
• Am I feeling like I want to punish this person?
• Am I threatening this person with something rather than asking for something?
• Am I considering how my ultimatum will affect this person?
• Do I want this person in my life?
• Do I think it’s possible for this person to change the way I need them to?

Answering these questions for yourself can help you figure out if you are actually trying to set a boundary with someone or if you are trying to manipulate them into behaving the way you want them to.

You may not even realize you were engaging in manipulative behaviors. The important thing is learning to communicate your needs the same way you would want others to communicate their needs to you.

Takeaways

There’s a fine line between setting a boundary and manipulating someone. But while setting boundaries is healthy, manipulation is toxic. If you feel threatened or tasked with something impossible or inappropriate, you might be the victim of manipulation.

But being able to recognize the difference between boundaries and manipulation—whether you are the one setting the boundaries or doing the manipulating or you are on the receiving end—can mean the difference between a strong relationship and a destructive one.