For most grievers, the calendar is punctuated by mourning minefields. Birthdays, deathdays, and anniversaries are the obvious dates that fill us with dread and make us consider staying in bed all day. The trifecta of Thanksgiving, Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza, and New Year’s is also tough – with holidays that come so close together, we’ve barely recovered from one before we need to start worrying about the next.
Halloween can be a particularly tricky one (no pun intended), especially for those of us who have lost children.
First, we have to deal with the extended runway. It seems like as soon as kids have gone back to school, store merchandising flips to Halloween. Skeletons, fake tombstones, and ghosts are everywhere, from the grocery store to our neighbor’s front lawn. We might even bump into these kitschy representations of death in our workplaces or doctor’s offices.
The decorations, of course, are meant to be lighthearted and fun. But when you’re grieving, they can feel too close to home, unexpectedly triggering the very feelings we’re trying to mask as we go about our day.
Then there are the memories just waiting to pounce when we see a particular costume or pumpkin carving. We remember the hours spent sewing a Spiderman costume or choosing a pre-made option from the Target aisles. The lopsided pumpkin grin might be exactly like the one our 7-year-old designed. Wondering why that woman tears up when she sees a little girl dressed as Winnie the Pooh? It could be a haunting reminder of what she’s lost.
And there’s also the fact that the reminders literally show up on our front steps. Gaggles of laughing children might be just too painful to bear. Shouldn’t somebody be giving us candy for having the courage to open the door?
So what can we do to protect ourselves on the holiday?
Turn out your lights
You are not required to participate. You can leave a bowl of candy outside if you want, but even that isn’t necessary. Don’t worry about feeling like a curmudgeon. The most important thing is honoring how you feel, and anybody who doesn’t understand that has bigger things to worry about than missing out on an extra Snickers bar.
Embrace it…on your own terms
Last year I chose to honor my daughter and other family members who have died by building an Ofrenda, an altar for the deceased, in my dining room. This beautiful Mexican tradition gives us an outlet to celebrate our loved ones through photos, treats, candles, and flowers. I’m not Mexican, but that didn’t stop me from borrowing this gorgeous custom. Deciding how you want to celebrate (or not) gives you a way to reclaim a bit of control.
Connect with friends
Spend the evening with friends who don’t have children or even consider celebrating with other families. You might find that distraction is exactly what you need, whether it comes in the form of a group or one trusted person.
Remember others who might be feeling on the outskirts
Halloween is alienating for lots of people, not just grievers. Children with special needs can find the holiday overwhelming, exclusionary, or simply inaccessible. My daughter was in a wheelchair, making the proposition of climbing stairs to reach someone’s front door or reaching a doorbell difficult at best. I’ll never forget the neighbors who met us on the sidewalk, greeting us with an extra special treat for my extra special girl. You might find that going out of your way to help someone else is a perfect way to honor the person you’re missing.
Go all out
Celebrate doubly. If Halloween was your child’s favorite holiday, think about making your house the place to be. Light candles in your child’s honor, play the music they loved, and give their favorite candy to every kid on the block.
The very nature of a mourning minefield is that it’s impossible to be completely prepared, and that’s one of the scariest parts of it all. What throws you off balance one year might feel steadying the next. But remember, you can choose how to honor yourself and keep your child’s spirit alive. That’s true on Halloween and on every other day of the year.
