When the honeymoon recedes, and reality enters, when what was so cute and charming turns into irritation, the real work of relating to one another begins. Many therapists recommend waiting for two years before making any decisions about marriage.
Why do so many relationships implode or dissolve at the two-year mark? One frequently heard superficial explanation is “I’ve fallen out of love.” From a biochemical perspective, there is some truth to falling out of love.
The transition from “falling in love” to “being in love” is difficult for many people. They’re hooked on the neurochemical rush of infatuation and prefer to chase the new and hope to make bliss last forever.
Every marriage goes through the ‘two-year syndrome’ — if you can get through it, you’re golden, and here’s why:
1. Quitting earlier than two years might be the right idea
There’s potential value in this impulse. Three to six months into a new relationship (the point when the most intense of these chemical rushes are subsiding, as shown by a comparative study in the Journal of Neurophysiology) may be exactly the right time to end it. It’s when you see the other person more clearly and have no idea what you originally saw in them.
So, if you’ve realized this person is not who you want to spend a longer chunk of your life with, go ahead and end it now. It’s better not to wait for the habit to set in.
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2. Qutting because the thrill is gone might be the wrong idea
However, suppose your desire to quit the relationship has more to do with the “thrill being gone” than any new, sharper perspective on how the two of you don’t fit well together. In that case, it may be smarter to pause and reconsider your motivations. The desire to run may have more to do with the underlying chemical changes going on in your current relationship.
Singles who perennially play the field may be in danger of becoming “addicted to infatuation.” These are people who covet the highs that only a new love interest can deliver. They seek the “perfect” boyfriend or girlfriend more than a real relationship with another imperfect person.
Only you can figure out whether your relationship with a partner is durable enough to go the distance. Research published in Cerebral Cortex Journal helps demonstrate why we must not forget to take the chemistry that goes with different phases of love into account when we weigh our thoughts and feelings.
3.Two years is when ‘companionable love’ sets in
It’s known by a variety of names, including the attachment system and companionable love. In committed love, you move into a less frenetic biochemical circuit, a flatter curve. Like the chemistry of attraction, a study in the Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience Journal explores how long-term love runs in myriad pathways between your brain and body — different, not better or worse.
It’s not true, as long-time lovers, you won’t experience lust again. However, sex and romance are no longer the primary drivers of your relationship. You’re thinking beyond Saturday night. You’re getting practical.
There is a new body chemistry underlying your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations about this person you’ve opted to stay with. Instead of the rushes of attraction, there’s a steadier flow of endorphins sailing into your synapses and bloodstream. Endorphins are chemically very similar to morphine, as demonstrated by a study in the Journal of Pharmacology, Biochemistry, and Behavior. Need I say more?
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4. After two years, the calm of long-term endorphins sets in
Two lovers in an ongoing relationship trigger the release of endorphins in each other. This hormone resides at the nerve endings in the brain and travels between synapses, pooling in specific areas of the brain to create the peace-loving, anxiety-reducing effect of endorphins. Research from The University of Prague suggests the best news is that in a steady relationship, your level of endorphins builds up over time, courtesy of all that good love.
Wait, there’s more. On top of the calm-inducing endorphins that need only your partner’s smiling face to come rushing into your system, the two of you still have lots of oxytocin — the hormonal superglue pushes us to bond with a lover and stay bonded — pumping through your systems from the extra hand-holding and cuddling you do every day.
Plus, you still get to enjoy the major chemical benefits that go with physical intimacy. The body’s experience of physical touch does not change from the attraction phase to the attachment phase of a relationship. In other words, if it was good before, it is still good. Many couples say their bond gets stronger as intimacy deepens.
For most people, keeping passion alive in a long-term relationship takes intention and work. With the distractions of kids, work, and the draw for some to diversions requiring less intimacy, they have to consciously make time for romance and find new ways to rekindle an intimate connection with their partner. They have to commit to not taking each other for granted after years of togetherness. Long-term love is not easy, but it is heaped with rewards.
Victoria Costello is an author, speaker, and educator who brings together and translates the best science available on family wellness with an emphasis on emotional and mental health. She offers this expert information to parents and others in a form they can use today.
