Every day, we are exposed to others’ body language as part of normal communication. Often, we can read the nonverbal cues of others pretty accurately. At other times, however, we can be completely clueless and misread others. Here are five common mistakes related to reading others’ body language.
- Body Language Is Not a True “Language.” This is rule number one. The vast majority of nonverbal cues do not have clear, specific meanings and definitions in the same way that words do. To assume that a specific gesture or facial expression always means the same thing is wrong. It is important to take into account the person and the context to be more accurate at interpreting others’ body language. Take the common “OK” gesture of making a circle with thumb and forefinger. That can be a positive gesture of agreement, or it can be negative and sarcastic; a sort of “okay, shut up, I disagree with you!” The key might be the facial expression or it might be tied to the words that were spoken.
- When a Smile Is Not a Smile. Research has shown that people—women in particular—cover discomfort with a smile. In one study, women were subjected to mild sexual harassment in a job interview, and a common response was to give an uncomfortable (and fake) smile. The problem was that some men interpreted this positively—as a seductive invitation. Research on facial expressions has distinguished between true smiles of enjoyment (called “Duchenne smiles”) and fake smiles. The key is in the eyes, where true smiles include narrowed, squinting eyes that produce “crow’s feet” at the corners.
- Assuming That Touch Means Affection. Touch can communicate many things, and one of those is affection. However, some studies suggest that at times men may touch women as a sign of dominance. Also, in some very interesting studies, it was found that waitresses who touch their customers—just a light touch when delivering the bill—get larger tips. There are other individual differences in touching, with some people being “touchers” and others generally avoiding contact. The person and the context matter. A toucher may hold your arm to keep your attention, or to show dominance, and it may not be about any positive feelings.
- Believing We Can Accurately Detect Lying. Research has shown that very few people can detect lies at levels above chance. We are simply not very good at reading complex nonverbal communications—and lies are typically complex interactions—due to misreading cues and our stereotypes about what they look like. Consider, in one of our studies we found that people engaged in more eye contact when lying than truth-telling, presumably because they knew the stereotypes about liars avoiding eye contact, and so they over-compensated.
- Misreading Cues of Nervousness. Some people engage in stereotypical nervous behaviors—rubbing hands together, sweating, and speech disturbances. Others may sort of freeze up when nervous and appear calm. Relying on stereotypic cues to uncover true feelings is a mistake. Take, for example, what your teacher or debate team coach told you back in school when they counted the “uhs” you made when giving a presentation. According to stereotypes, a lot of “uhs” in a speech is a bad thing. Research, however, suggests that “uhs” may be used to fill in dead space between words or phrases and may make the speech seem better and more “fluid.” Again, body language cues are not always consistent.
There’s hope, however. You can get better at reading body language, but it takes a lot of time and practice. One strategy is to not immediately default to “common sense” interpretations of cues but to look at the entire “picture” of the person, the situation, and how the cues are coupled with what the person is saying. If you really want to improve your body language skills, there are some strategies, which include such things as taking acting or improv courses, and there are some useful research-based guides.
