By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS
A toxic family operates like a cult. The head narcissists (either one parent or both) make certain that they are able to rally their troops around them, which happen to be their children. Almost always, there is one child who is never assimilated into the cult. This child is the scapegoat.
From early years, this child is observed as being highly sensitive, creative, empathetic and outspoken. Because the scapegoat is not like them, the narcissists must villainize this family member to elevate themselves and feel superior. It becomes an addiction.
Hence, the other children are trained on behalf of the parents to mistreat and bully the scapegoat, which includes, among other intentional harmful behaviors, excluding and ignoring.
The following 10 examples describe how the scapegoat feels isolated in a narcissistic family and some behaviors due to the trauma. Are you the family scapegoat? Can you relate to any of these points?
1. The scapegoat never feels worthy of love
The scapegoat child is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, in effect, they become the family “trashcan” while being treated like a nuisance and inconvenience.
Sometimes, the siblings will taunt the scapegoat and make comments like, “You were a mistake, you weren’t supposed to be born,” mostly as backhanded snide remarks.
When something malfunctions in the home, such as a computer or electronic device, the scapegoat is automatically to blame. The scapegoat child becomes accustomed to constant reproof, redirection and criticism. There is no room for a hug, or “let’s play a board game together.” The parent never attempts to get on the child’s level. The child is always beneath the parent, and/or is seen as an extension of the parent, not an individual worthy of love.
2. The scapegoat will lie to get family’s attention
While working as a behavioral therapist, I served a client that lied to her parents at age 7 to gain their sympathy and care.
The child made up a story that there was a predator in the school bathroom — somehow, he made his way in without anyone noticing. The child stated that she saw him, became frightened, and ran out to the principal’s office to tell someone. The principal called the parents, and everyone was involved in a meeting about how the child was affected, and how to catch the predator. This incident garnered the much-needed attention the client so desperately craved from the parents, as there was a history of abuse where the child was dismissed frequently.
Read more: Empty chair technique to resolve issues with deceased father
However, these moments in the spotlight are short-lived for the scapegoat, because the family already made up their mind on where the scapegoat fits into their narrative.
3. The scapegoat lies to him or herself to appear capable
Due to the infantilization of the scapegoat, the child can’t focus on normal tasks and master them age-appropriately. The scapegoat is solely focused on surviving, and it takes up all of his or her energy. Parents treat the scapegoat like a baby, as do the siblings, calling the child names and conditioning the child to accept this “baby-fied” role.
Chores and jobs around the house are given to older siblings, and the scapegoat is afraid to offer help for fear of being criticized and put down. The vicious cycle creates a situation where the siblings can then state the child is lazy and does not care.
As a consequence, the child tends to feel defensive and over-emphasize their hopes and dreams while magnifying their efforts to be the “best” by getting involved in an activity or sport that is way beyond their capabilities. The attempt is not realistic, but helps the scapegoat feel stronger for a bit after an especially horrific period of abuse.
4. The scapegoat secretly envies other healthy families
Remember having sleepovers? For chlidren, sleepovers are a great way to observe how other families interact.
Many of my younger clients tend to discuss this issue if their family is particularly disengaged, and when communicating, it is never productive. Painful longing arises in children that have not connected with parents or siblings in a mutually flourishing manner.
They ask, “Is it normal to wish you had a different family?” “My parents never talk to me nicely like my friend X,” or, “My friend’s parents ask their kids questions and how they feel about something, mine have never done that.”
5. The scapegoat fantasizes about someone rescuing them from the trauma
Children who are targeted as the scapegoat can find themselves getting lost in their own dreams, which may involve someone whisking them away from their family of origin to a place where they are treated like royalty. Children perhaps dream of a superhero like Batman or the Hulk coming to the rescue.
These fantasies are not limited to children. Even adults in domestic violence situations and narcissistic families can have similar thoughts.
Frequently, these fantasies can interfere with daily functioning, especially if it happens at work or in school. Scapegoats often feel helpless and hopeless. They establish stewardship of their own self-constructed hope in their created fantasies as a coping mechanism to deal with constant conflict.
6. The scapegoat shares with strangers in hopes they will care
I have a friend named “Carla” that related to me that at the lowest point in her life, when she discovered that her older sibling was a narcissist, her need to talk it out was so great that she was confiding in the cashier at her grocery store, and a man she did not know for very long that she met online.
Just think of the implications of confiding in the wrong person! She needed someone — anyone — to listen to and validate her feelings of betrayal and immense sadness.
Carla could not afford a therapist, and her mind was so tortured and stressed at the time that she did not think she needed one. Scapegoats have the tendency to internalize all negative emotion. They were taught at an early age that expressing needs, desires and opinions were not accepted and considered weakness.
If you dare to share your family experiences with outsiders, you are defying your family’s expectations for obedient silence and there will be a price to pay.
7. The scapegoat feels like a prisoner to parent/sibling mood swings
When narcissists receive their supply, they are euphoric. When their ego is threatened, they have rage episodes. When their false selves shatter, they hit a low with intense depression.
How can the scapegoat deal with these extremes, particularly when living in the same household? The contrasts in the narcissist’s mood are very sharp and contingent on obtaining their supply — when and how they want it.
The scapegoat feels guilty and believes that he or she is to blame for the narcissist’s severe emotional dysregulation. The scapegoat constantly walks on eggshells, so as to not add to the “stressors” that the narcissist is experiencing.
8. The scapegoat cannot be his or her authentic self
When the scapegoat demonstrates anything that resembles being different from the family cult, such as a creative gift or original talent, it is viewed by the narcissists as a threat to their empty core.
The scapegoat tries to share his or her interests and ideas to the narcissists to increase familial bonds and establish meaningful connection. Instead, the narcissist’s pathological envy rises up and he or she denies the scapegoat’s experiences.
As a result, the scapegoat feels guilty and shuts down all feelings. The narcissist punishes the scapegoat in this way, which leaves the scapegoat feeling even more disconnected and alone while sadly accepting the lack of support as completely normal.
9. The scapegoat’s privacy and negative experiences are weaponized
Do not even think about making a mistake or being led down the wrong road, because the narcissist will remember every choice you made that was not ideal. Did you date a romantic partner that turned out to be abusive as well? Did you make bad choices out of the critical need to have companionship and love? Did a younger you act out when provoked and get pulled into conflict?
Or, perhaps you failed at an endeavor you really wanted to try. You can count on the narcissist bringing up the more challenged periods of your life history and throwing those experiences in your face, as if you still live in the past and have not learned, improved or moved on. Like them.
10. The scapegoat sacrifices deeply held core beliefs and values to please the family system
Most families support their members in some way, and if they don’t agree on each other’s decisions, the best choice is to find common ground and focus on the positive attributes of all individuals and what they bring to the table.
Points of contention could include religious beliefs, raising children, handling money and moral code. However, with the narcissistic mindset, emotional boundaries and personal autonomy are not considered acceptable by the family cult, due to the possibility of not being able to control the scapegoat with guilt and manipulation tactics anymore.
Scapegoats, out of fear of losing their family and their love, will put aside their truths and their identities, which results in being wide open to the family cult’s psychological and emotional injuries. If the scapegoats denys their personal agency to fit into the narcissistic system, it can have debilitating effects on their spiritual, emotional and physical health.
Breaking out of isolation
Life is not over because a relationship with a narcissistic family is over. Breaking free from these damaging toxic bonds of narcissistic abuse requires truth.
Breaking free from false beliefs about how a family should operate, about what love truly is, also requires truth. Scapegoats can forge a new path and be seen, heard and appreciated with their family of choice, whether that be their friends, spouse, children or in-laws.
There were no good times for the scapegoat when in isolation and survival mode, but there can be, starting with the recovery of their truths and finding like-minded individuals to share the a loving journey of self-discovery.
Learn more: How abusive parents affect you and how you can recover
