Happy October, friends! The fall harvest is a time of year when people celebrate the fruits of their labor and reap the rewards of their hard work. It’s a time to give thanks for the bounty of crops, share food and gifts, and prepare for winter. But what if there is no fruit to harvest? What if you have done all you can do and the conditions are not favorable to growth? In the farming community, this might be called harvest failure. For many in this community, the longing is for lasting fruit in relationships. It is important to change what can be changed and to accept the conditions that can not. Acceptance may lead to a new and more prosperous plan.
Today’s Questions: Why do I keep trying to connect with someone who doesn’t have the capacity? I recognize it in me, but I don’t know how to work on it.
Susan’s Response: My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult and painful challenge. This is a struggle that will resonate with many of our readers. Thank you for the question.
Connection, love, and belonging are innate needs. They have evolved from our primal need for safety, survival, and healthy development. From the beginning, God hardwired these needs into our brains. Science now shows us that the region of the brain that craves food also craves connection, and the same part of the brain that experiences physical pain also experiences social exclusion. Research confirms that people who don’t feel loved or belong are more likely to experience loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. God knows that belonging to something outside of ourselves helps us form an identity. Connection is important for healthy relationships and development. For these reasons, you may continue to try to connect, even when it is clear that the desire for connection is not reciprocated.
For a moment, give yourself permission to connect to yourself with curiosity and compassion. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to gain a deeper understanding about what is going on within you. What does continually trying to connect look like in your situation? How do you know that the other person does not have the capacity for connection? What do you notice within yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations? It is important to gain a clear view of what needs to be changed before making a plan on how to work towards something more healthy.
Our experience with connection began even before we were born. Think back to your earliest memories and primary relationships; what were those like? Were your needs met? Did you feel valued and cared for? What did you do when you were hurt or sad? What were the results? Unconsciously, you might seek partners who replicate that dynamic because it feels normal or familiar.
Think about what may have attracted you to your partner. Perhaps you once felt comfortable with someone who kept an emotional distance even if you later changed and matured. Maybe there was a time when your self-esteem was so low that it felt reassuring to chase someone who was hard to get and would reinforce your negative self beliefs. It is also possible that you longed to help your loved one reach their potential and you desired to be the one to fix them.
Or perhaps you felt loved and adored in childhood and were rarely left with unmet needs. You may not have known that destructive people purposely present well early in relationships in order to groom their prey. You may have been blindsided by abuse after a period of time that felt loving.
I can imagine that whatever the reason, you are now grappling with feelings of grief and loss of expectations. Grief should not be treated lightly. Allow yourself the time and energy it takes to move through the grief in order to gain acceptance of what is true. Here are some steps you can take to care for yourself while grieving. Name the loss, feel the loss, accept the truth of reality, be kind to yourself through the grief, and finally, make a plan to move forward.
So, how can you work on the problem you are realizing? Awareness is the first step. You have recognized something about yourself. Continue to explore your own past and present patterns. Allow yourself the time to feel the discomfort of the emotions. Let go of maladaptive methods of relating and learn healthy strategies of engagement. Let go of your unmet desires to connect with those who are not capable or unwilling. Grieve and accept reality. Gain experience with secure relationships with yourself, God, and others who are striving to be healthy. Re-define your identity and value who you are in Christ.
You were created to desire connected and secure relationships. God created humankind in His image. He gives us the example of the trinity as a unified and secure example of relationship. He calls us to Himself for connection and security. His message is this in Numbers 23:19, “God is not a man, so He does not lie, He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through?” In other words, He can be trusted, He does not lie, He keeps His promises, and He will never change His mind about us. This may not be true in any human relationship you have ever had.
God calls us to stay connected to Him in order to find connection to our eternal value. John 15:5 The Message version reads, “I am the Vine; you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relationship is intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing.”
If you are struggling to find godly, healthy connections and are feeling confused about your destructive relationship dynamics, the Conquer education and support group may be a right next step for you. Check out the details at leslievernick.com/joinconquer to learn more. This program only opens to new members twice per year and the time is now. Doors close on October 4th and they will not open again until the spring.
Be well!
Beloved readers, What steps have you taken in order to let go of unmet desires for connection with a loved one who is not willing or capable? How have you found secure connections with yourself, others, and God?
