Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Occasional arguments are to be expected even in the best relationships. While they get a bad rap, arguments can actually be healthy. If handled appropriately an argument’s resolution can bring you closer together. What you say and do at the end of the argument can make all the difference.
Tips For Ending an Argument:
Ending an argument with a spouse effectively involves several strategies that therapists often recommend:
1) Take a Timeout
During conflict it’s likely emotions are running high. It can help to take a short break in order to cool down. Agree on a specific time to revisit the discussion. This avoids saying hurtful things you’ll later regret. It’s also easier to express yourself when you’re not overwhelmed by emotion.
2 ) Use “I” Statements
Express your feelings and needs without pointing your finger. We know that expressing your feelings is huge. How you do that makes all the difference.
While you may be tempted to lead with things like, “You hurt me when” or “You did or didn’t x, y, or z”, this puts the blame on your partner causing them to be defensive. I statements, on the other hand, focus on sharing your feelings and are less accusatory. For example instead of saying “You’re always on your phone”, Try, “I feel hurt when you’re always on your phone”.
3) Listen Actively
Make an effort to truly hear your spouse’s perspective. Show empathy and validate their feelings, even if you disagree.
Active listening is a game changer. It’s important to understand the difference between hearing and listening, as relationship expert Esther Perel says. When you actively show your partner you’re listening, it validates their experience and their vulnerability.
If you disagree with what your partner is saying, as hard as it may be, resist interrupting them. You may feel the need to defend yourself or correct something they said. Even if you don’t interrupt, you may be mentally preparing what you will say as your counterargument. When this happens, we’re no longer listening. Fixing this takes a mindset shift. Instead of focusing on being right, try to see that your partner’s perspective is not yours. Respect their uniqueness and try to see where they’re coming from. Wait to give your opinion of what they’ve said until their piece is finished.
4) Validate Them
Offer words of validation to show that you listened and understood their point. Remember that validating is different from agreeing.
How to give validation:
Reflect: Reflect back on what they’ve said. You’re essentially summarizing what they’ve said. You do this to show you’ve heard them, and to check to see if you’ve understood their point correctly. Example: “I hear you. You’re upset because you feel that I disrespected you when I showed up late.”
Ask questions: Seek clarification by asking questions. This shows your partner you want to fully understand them, and what they say matters to you. Example: “So you feel that I said that because I don’t care about your feelings, is that right?”
See their perspective: Show your partner that you’re willing and able to see their point of view. Again, this doesn’t mean you agree with them. Instead, it tells them that what they’ve shared makes sense to you. Example: “I can see why you’d feel upset about x.”
5) Stay Calm
Keep your tone even and avoid raising your voice. A calm demeanor can help de-escalate tension.
6) Work as Teammates
Shift the focus so that it’s about finding a resolution instead of finding who to blame. Ask, “How can we resolve this together?”
7) Avoid Bringing Up the Past
Stay focused on the issue at hand rather than dragging in previous conflicts. This helps keep the conversation productive.
8) Acknowledge Your Role
Take responsibility for your part in the conflict, even if it is just a small part. Taking some ownership can encourage both parties to be more open and it can reduce defensiveness.
9) Agree to Disagree
It can be okay to acknowledge that you have different viewpoints. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You are not the same person. If you always thought the same way, things would be pretty boring. Agreeing to (respectfully) disagree can help move past the argument.
10) End on a Positive Note
Try to finish the conversation with a gesture of affection or reassurance, such as a hug or sharing words of adoration, like an “I love you” or “I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me”.
11) Follow Up
After the argument, have a check-in with each other to discuss feelings and ensure both partners feel heard and understood and that there are no lingering feelings that can grow into resentment.
How Do You Reconnect After an Argument?
After an argument with your significant other, it’s important to harbor a sense of healing and understanding. Here are some things you could say:
- Acknowledge Feelings: “I know that this has upset you, and I’m sorry about that.”
- Express Regret: “I’m sorry for what I said/did. I did not intend to hurt you.”
- Take Responsibility: “I recognize that I played a part in this and I want to make things better.”
- Show Understanding: “I see where you’re coming from, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective.”
- Suggest Taking a Break: “Can we take a moment to cool down and then talk about this again?”
- Reaffirm Your Commitment: “I care about you and our relationship. I want to work through this together as a team.”
- Ask for Their Thoughts: “How are you feeling right now? What can we do to move forward?”
- Suggest a Solution: “Can we find a way to work through this issue together?”
- Focus on the Positive: “We work so well together. I think we can grow stronger from this, like we have before.”
- Plan for the Future: “We work so well together. I think we can grow stronger from this, like we have before.”
Phrases like these can help create an environment of open, honest communication and understanding. This in turn paves the way for resolution and connection. Remember that conflict can be an opportunity for intimacy.
What Should You Do If You Keep Having the Same Argument?
If you find that you and your partner are constantly returning to the same theme to argue over it can feel like you’re trapped in a negative cycle. This pattern is capable of doing serious harm to your relationship. Fortunately, you can break free. The solution is buried underneath the surface. You need to get to the root. Despite what’s said in the argument It’s actually not about the trash getting put out. It’s not about her showing up late. Nor is it about the tone of their voice.
Tell Your Partner How You Feel.
Instead of masking your feelings of hurt and acting out in anger, explain to your partner that when X happens you feel X. There’s a good chance they didn’t realize that their behavior affected you in that way. Where you see their clothes on the floor as a sign as disrespect towards you and your relationship, they see it at face value, as a minor thing.
Challenge Your Thoughts and Beliefs.
Analyze those underlying feelings. If your partner’s actions make you feel uncared for try to determine where this comes from? What in your history would make you feel this way? Does your partner truly not care about you? Sometimes our thoughts are just thoughts and not reality.
Try Taking Your Partner’s Perspective
Take a moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. How does it feel? Chances are you’ll be more understanding of how they react to you. Thinking from their perspective can help you determine if there are things you could change or include in your communication. Are they missing information?
Relationships evoke some of our deepest longings and needs, such as wanting to feel loved, wanting to feel appreciated, and wanting to feel safe.
Nobody goes into a relationship looking for a fight. We want love, we want someone who values us, we want safety and a partner we can share with. We don’t want a fight. Yet, fights are common in most couples. We’re human, after all, so frustration and the occasional miscommunication are unavoidable.
What is avoidable are those recurring fights that drain our emotional energy and make us question why we are even in the relationship.
Couples Counseling
Seeking help from someone outside the relationship can give you a new perspective allowing you to better understand your partner and their thoughts, feelings, needs, and attachment styles. A couples counselor will work with you to gain the skills needed to identify each other’s triggers. As well as how to end a conflict in a way that is most meaningful to your unique partner.
Our couples counselors work with couples who’ve been together for years, those seeking premarital counseling, counseling after infidelity, open relationships, LGBTQ+ couples, and those dealing with sex issues.
