How to Connect With a Kid in Your Life

It’s not just me—talking to kids can be a struggle, right? Sometimes, it’s like you have ~nothing~ in common. Other times, you forget they think and operate differently—their brains aren’t fully developed—which makes connecting that more difficult.

“Children are very much more in the moment than adults are,” says Tammy Schamuhn, psychologist and cofounder of the Institute of Child Psychology. “They don’t focus as much on hindsight (the past) or foresight (what will happen in the future) as that is an executive functioning skill that is executed by the prefrontal cortex.” (Btw, the brain finishes developing and maturing in the mid-to-late 20s with the prefrontal cortex maturing last).

Moreover, children also have a more developed right hemisphere, where your emotions, movement, play, and creativity live, Schamuhn says. “Kids connect with their parents through mutual activities [like] riding bikes together, play, cuddling, and storytelling.” All of this makes chatting with a seven-year-old a bit difficult. But there are ways to make connecting between us adults and kids super easy. Here’s how.

How to Bridge the Gap Between an Adult Mind and Kid’s Mind

Kids’ needs vary and change over time, which makes it tough for parents to know how to connect. “Parent-child relationships are multidimensional, so sometimes children want you close. Other times, they want their independence,” says Deborah Serani, PsyD,  a psychologist and professor at Adelphi University. “This goes for little ones, teens, and even older adult children.” 

A great way to slowly bridge this communication gap is by practicing empathy. “A powerful way to foster empathy is to reflect on what it was like to be their age—what they felt, what they thought about, and how they behaved,” Gretchen Moran Marsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, says.

She adds that when adults put themselves in a kid’s shoes, they are often surprised by the differences in their childhood perspective and adult thinking. “Once adults reconnect with their younger selves, they tend to gain a greater sense of empathy and understanding for what children are going through.”

A 4-Step Approach to Connecting

Serani recommends practicing the following steps to improve your connection with kids:

• Beak the ice: Start off with something like, “Oh, you’re playing with your Legos”
• Deepen the interest: Try asking “Want some help? or “Want someone to play with?” and wait for their response. Depending on their needs, join in, or move on to another room. 
• Make a deeper connection: If you’re invited to join, ask open-ended questions like “What do you want me to do? or “What are we making?” Let the child direct the conversation, and mirror back what you’re hearing.
• Continue to get deeper: Take the convo a step further by asking, “How was school today?” or “What was T-ball like yesterday?” 

The goal is to meet a child at their comfort level, so they see “your presence, interest, and connection is about wanting to be with them,” Serani says.

Other Ways to Connect

Structured activities are great ways to connect with children. Serani suggests the following: 

Ask Open-ended Questions

Rather than asking kids close-ended questions like, “How was your day” or “Did you have a good time at the party?” which often instigates one-word responses like “fine” or “ok,” ask open-ended questions that tease the imagination or emotional centers of the brain, says Schamuhn. She suggests the following: 

• If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
• What was the best/worst part of your day?
• Tell me about a moment you were brave/kind today?
• What are you grateful for?
• Tell me about someone you helped today?
• What’s something you’re looking forward to?
• What is something that makes you feel scared or worried?
• If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
• If you could change the world in one way, what would you change?
• What do you wish we did differently as a family?
• What do you wish I did differently as a parent?

Open-ended Questions Help Develop Kids’ Well-being

Serani says parents asking simple and concise open-ended questions about their kids’ unique experiences can help form a positive connection and increase their well-being.

This particular kind of well-being is called flourishing, where children develop optimism, a sense of belonging, greater self-confidence, autonomy, positive self-esteem, and many other traits. Studies looking at parent-child interactions around the globe revealed that the greater the family connection, the higher the rate of flourishing.

“Children with parents who love and have genuine interest in their singular specialness develop character strengths that help them move through adversity better in life, and find meaning and purpose in life,” Serani adds.

Share Your Own Perspective (But Not *Too* Much)

When trying to connect with kids and teens, sharing your own experiences can be helpful but timing is everything, says Moran Marsh. “I always recommend staying focused on the child’s interests first. Make sure you truly understand their perspective before offering your own stories,” she adds.  

If they want to know more specifics, share minimal disclosure. If they want more, they will let you know by asking for more information. “When we overshare and kids aren’t ready for our stories, they feel like they are being lectured to or are overwhelmed by the information they’re not ready to process,” Serani says. “So the trick to talking to kids is to let them lead the social dance steps.”

Once children feel heard and validated, they may naturally invite your perspective, asking questions like: “What would you do in this situation?”

“If they aren’t ready for advice, respect that boundary,” says Moran Marsh. “Remember, children want to feel important, and moving too quickly into problem-solving can invalidate their thoughts, leading to emotional escalation.” 

Avoid Questions That Seem “Nosy”

Children are highly perceptive and can quickly see through an adult’s agenda, says Moran Marsh. Ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity rather than trying to steer the conversation. “Take your time, and remember that your goal is to empathize and understand what the child is experiencing,” she says. “Rapid-fire questions, especially if they come across as interrogative, will almost certainly backfire.” 

“Think of this social exchange as a temperature reading of whether the child is open to your curiosity or sees it as being too much right now,” says Serani. Based on their response, you’ll know if they want more connection, advice, or a listening ear.

Tips for Connecting With Kids Based on Their Age

Open-ended questions and structured activities are great ways to connect with your kid, but which questions to ask (and what activities to do) vary by age. You wouldn’t ask a five-year-old the same questions you’d ask a teenager, right? Exactly. Here are some ways to connect with your child, based on their age:

Kids Under 10

Staying informed about what’s interesting to children under 10 can help start conversations. This could include movies, sports teams, social media influencers, or seasonal events like Halloween. 

“Taking an interest in their world and offering honest feedback creates a more natural dialogue,” says Moran Marsh. Ask questions like: “Tell me what we can do together?” or “What happened on Bluey today?”

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to admit it by saying, “I’ve never thought about that before!” 

“This shows humility and openness—qualities that children appreciate,” Moran Marsh adds. 

Adolescents

Adolescents often feel misunderstood by adults, so it’s important to take an interest in what matters to them, says Moran Marsh. This can help break down barriers and foster connection. She suggests staying updated on pop culture and societal trends like video games, current events in sports, and social media. 

To connect with kids regarding social media, follow some influencers they follow, so you can ask
questions like: 

• Why do you think that person posted that picture?
• Are they looking for likes, validation, or something else?
• How do you feel when you’re on social media? 

Additionally, being aware of how social media works can help you connect with kids. “Many children admit feeling left out when they see friends together without them, a revelation that can open up meaningful conversations,” says Moran Marsh. 

Teenagers

The teenage years are a time for navigating dependence versus independence, so teens need to
welcome the space to talk, says Serani. She suggests asking questions like: 

• Is anything new going on?
• Just checking in with you. Need me for anything?
• Feel like helping me cook dinner?
• Got a second to talk?
• Looks like you’re busy now, but can we make time to check in with each other later?
• I know you’re busy after school, but I miss you, buddy. Can we connect tonight?
• Oh, you’re going to your friend’s house. I hope you have a great time. 

“Saying these to just connect and not look for more from your teen will deepen the parent-child bond,” Serani says. 

Topics to Avoid if You’re Trying to Connect With Kids

For parents trying to connect with kids, avoid turning the conversation into a to-do list with questions like: “Did you clean your room?” or “Did you finish your homework?” Instead, focus on their thoughts and feelings. 

“Refrain from entering the conversation with a hidden agenda,” says Moran Marsh. “Even though many adults, myself included, want to use every moment to teach valuable lessons, pushing your own agenda too early can cause frustration and make the child feel unheard.” 

When it comes to difficult topics to discuss like loss, illness, death, sex, religion, divorce, drugs, disasters, and prejudice, Serani recommends gauging how strong your connection is to the child before delving into these topics. 

If you have difficulty talking with children about topics that need to be addressed, you may be facing topic avoidance. “This happens when parents and children avoid talking about things to protect each other from distressing emotions or to safeguard privacy, or there’s shame attached to a subject that is too painful to share,” says Serani.

Getting help from a mental health professional (see below for some recs!) can help families work through these conversations.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, connecting with children takes a bit more work and a lot more intention. It’s just not the same as chatting with your bestie or partner. But that doesn’t make it impossible. Just think of yourself when you were a child—what did you like to do or talk about? It certainly wasn’t the news, politics, or any adult-like topics, but things like “Sesame Street,” “Barney” and American Girl Doll.

The secret to connecting with children isn’t complicated or hard. Just be a kid! After all, you have your own inner child waiting to come out, so go ahead and embrace them.