Dear Beloved Readers,
In the past two posts (Understanding and Breaking the Cycle of Trauma Responses in Parenting, and Rebuilding Trust with Your Child After Conflict), we’ve explored how trauma affects our reactions and how we can begin rebuilding trust with our children after conflict. Now, let’s shift our focus to the long-term: How do we empower both ourselves and our children to move forward in a healthy, healing way?
Empowerment is about equipping your child with the tools to manage their emotions and behavior, but it’s also about empowering yourself as a parent. Dear one- this is a big question to consider: is it possible to equip your child if you cannot do it yourself? Parents, it is time for us to learn to manage our emotions, our thoughts, and our actions. Through God’s grace, we can find the strength to parent from a place of love, patience, and wisdom. Today, I’ll share some strategies from Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) for fostering emotional growth in both you and your child, along with biblical encouragement to sustain you on this journey.
Shifting from Control to Empowerment
Parenting can sometimes feel like a constant balancing act between managing behavior and fostering growth. But lasting change happens not through control, but through empowerment. TBRI teaches that true empowerment comes when we guide our children to make choices and learn to regulate their emotions, rather than trying to control their every action.
Think about how God parents us—He doesn’t force us to do the right thing. Instead, He guides us, gives us wisdom, and offers us the freedom to choose. We can follow that model with our own children by encouraging them to take ownership of their emotions and behaviors.
Part of rebuilding safety and trust is not repeating bad behavior. As the adult, you are responsible for setting the stage for safety to flourish. Where there has been harm, you as the adult are the one rebuilding trust of safety with your child. I appreciate this community. Thank you to all who have joined us each week and shared your thoughts, comments, and ideas. As we take ownership to create opportunities to apologize, make repairs, and then walk it out! Trust is built. Please! DO NOT repeat the same destructive behaviors again and again, if you do, the repairs and apologies become more and more untrustworthy.
Scripture:
“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” —1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)
One way to empower your child is through collaborative problem-solving. Instead of imposing solutions, invite your child into the conversation. Ask them how they think they could handle a situation better next time. You might say, “What do you think would help us when we’re both feeling frustrated?” This not only teaches responsibility but also shows them that their voice matters. A vital part of empowerment is helping your child learn to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally to children—especially those who have experienced trauma—but it can be learned with practice. Teach your child how to identify what they’re feeling and offer tools like deep breathing or using a calming object to help them settle down. A dysregulated parent cannot regulate an unregulated child. So like the woman who originally posed this question, she’s doing her work to get healthy so that she can parent with more attunement, calmness, and wisdom.
As parents, our children learn how to handle their emotions by watching us. When you stay calm during moments of stress, you’re modeling emotional regulation for your child. TBRI emphasizes co-regulation, where your calm presence helps your child calm down, too. This mirrors how God is our constant, unshakable peace, even in the storms of life. We often say this here at Leslie Vernick and Co. “ Your child NEEDS at least one healthy parent”. Let it be YOU!
Scripture:
“The Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” —Proverbs 2:6 (NLT)
Just as God grants us wisdom, we can pass along those lessons to our children, teaching them how to manage their feelings with God’s help.
Scripture:
“A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” —Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)
Staying calm in the face of frustration is a powerful way to deflect anger and bring peace.
Lastly, I encourage you to take time to reflect on your core parenting values. What guides you when things get tough? Whether it’s patience, love, or grace, allow those values to direct your responses. God’s Word reminds us to focus on what is true, honorable, and praiseworthy.
Scripture:
“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” —Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
Empowering yourself and your child is a journey, one that will take time and grace. By moving from control to empowerment, teaching emotional regulation, and modeling Christ-like calm, you are planting seeds that will bear fruit in both your lives. Remember, God’s wisdom is with you as you guide your child—and He is also working in you, shaping you into the parent He’s called you to be.
Action Step:
This week, try practicing collaborative problem-solving with your child during a calm moment. Ask for their input and work together to create a plan for handling future challenges.
Friends, I know this journey of empowering yourself and your child can feel daunting at times. But I want you to remember that you are not walking it alone. God is with you, equipping you with wisdom and grace for each step. Parenting is a journey of learning and growth, for both you and your child, and there’s no rush to get it all perfect. Give yourself grace, and perhaps your child grace to lean on the strength that God provides, and know that I am here, cheering you on and walking with you through these conversations. Together, we are learning to build families rooted in love, patience, and Christ’s peace.
Thank you for being part of this community. As a coach on Leslie’s team, I’m honored to be on this journey with you, and I look forward to hearing how God is moving in your home and heart as you take these next steps.
What values guide your parenting during tough times? How do you encourage your child to take ownership of their actions and emotions?
