How much personal information about your relationship is it okay to share beyond the two of you? It’s an age-old dilemma many couples deal with.
One partner wants to talk about their sex life with siblings or a best friend, when the other thinks it should be kept just between the two of them. Or one spouse sees no problem with talking about their credit card debt in front of family members while the other is horrified and doesn’t want anyone else to know.
The issue takes on extra dimensions for celebrities, who are always under a spotlight. The on-again-off-again relationship of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has long been in the news. Apparently one of the recent straws that broke the camel’s back might have been her sharing with others the love letters that he wrote to her, in their case musicians whom she said she was trying to inspire. Apparently he wasn’t happy about it. Along the same lines, Jenna Bush Hager recently told Us magazine that her husband often tells her she embarrasses him when she talks about him on Today.
If partners have differing approaches, how can you handle matters so that the issue no longer comes between you?
The person who is sharing “too much” might be told by their partner to stop it, and that can feel like control. The one who is being talked about might feel vulnerable and exposed, and that can make them wonder why their partner isn’t considering and protecting them more. How can they find the right middle ground?
It can be challenging since the person who is doing the revealing is likely doing it to feel close to someone else. Disclosing highly personal information is often how such closeness is achieved. That said, certain topics such as financial information, sex, and fights might be off the table in their partner’s eyes. After a fight one person might want to talk the situation out with a friend or sibling. Their partner might get upset and say, “Why are you telling them that? That’s between us.” Both sides have a point.
Ultimately the goal is to find a compromise that enhances partner intimacy, in which partners can feel free to share some things with others while the partner feels secure that information they deem sensitive will remain private.
The first step is for partners to sit down together and talk the topic through. Find the subjects you each would like kept off limits. Instead of insisting your partner no longer talks about those things, explain why it bothers you and ask them to consider sharing less.
Determine what would be okay for them to talk about with others—and what would not. Come up with an understanding. You might decide that the open partner can talk about their own finances but not about joint finances. Or maybe when it comes to debriefing after a fight, they can focus on their own emotions without blaming their partner.
If your spouse is concerned that you are going to go right back out there and spill beans, reassure them that you won’t, that, instead, you will consider how what you say might look to others before you do it.
If you or your spouse is okay talking about personal things in public—like the time your mother-in-law drank too much and embarrassed you in the restaurant but your husband wanted to keep it secret—identifying hot-spot topics to keep under wraps would be important. You need to make clear what’s upsetting to you and put the boundary in place. In that case a solution might be deciding it’s okay to talk about your own family to others but not your partner’s.
If it’s important to you to talk talk to friends or family about such personal issues in order to get empathy, understanding, approval or validation, then you may need to let your partner know that you need more from them. That might mean you want them to spend more time listening to you or asking what they can do to help you.
The object is to learn to relate to each other on a mutual level so each partner feels that their needs are being met. Before freely sharing something personal, try to think about how your partner might react. Perhaps better yet, tell the dog instead; he’ll keep your secret.
