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Let it go! Just drop it! Forgive and forget!
Have you ever declared these well-intentioned statements to a friend who was griping on and on about someone who wronged them years ago?
Or maybe it was you who received the same advice from a caring friend after holding onto bitterness for far too long.
Letting things go and forgiving others is easier said than done. In fact, it can be downright challenging.
However, it is something that makes life better for everyone involved.
Since the beginning of time, many wise people – from prophets to poets to acclaimed authors – have touted forgiveness as essential in life. For its own sake, and for the beauty it bestows upon us, and others.
Nearly all religions not only value the virtue of forgiveness, but also view it as a path to inner peace.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned,” is a popular quote attributed to Buddha.
And in the Bible, Peter asks Jesus “how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21-22)
One time is hard enough, let alone seventy-seven times! As self-destructive as it is to hold onto anger – it can literally tear us up inside – for most of us, simply letting go and forgiving someone isn’t easy.
Further, when we are lost in rumination about a hurtful incident and harboring resentment long after someone harmed us, we likely aren’t thinking about any goodness that can possibly come out of forgiving others. Instead, we may be preoccupied with revenge.
The Science of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. —Mark Twain
Numerous studies have found that holding onto grudges and bitterness takes a toll on our physical and psychological health. Withholding forgiveness is associated with a myriad of issues including a weakened heart, heightened stress, anger, anxiety, and higher rates of depression, and PTSD.
In contrast, forgiveness is correlated with enhanced physical and mental health, better sleep, increased vitality, job satisfaction, thriving teamwork, and stronger marriages and relationships.
Defined by researchers as “a suite of prosocial changes that occur within an individual who has been offended or damaged by a relationship partner” forgiveness is one of the 24 VIA character strengths that falls underneath the virtue of temperance.
“When people forgive, their basic motivations or action tendencies regarding the transgressor become more positive and less negative” (Peterson & Seligman, 2004).
In romantic relationships, forgiveness is essential for thriving. In fact, quantitative studies have demonstrated that not only does forgiveness increase individual well-being but also enhances relational and sexual well-being.
In one study, married couples who were trained in communication and conflict resolution made relationship gains but they weren’t sustainable. They lost about half of the gains within the year. However, couples who trained in forgiveness and reconciliation made gains as well but also retained them a year later.
While forgiveness is good for us and our relationships, it’s not always easy to do. The good news is that it’s a skill that can be learned. And like with any skill, the more we practice it, the better we will get.
Leading forgiveness researcher Everett Worthington, Professor Emeritus of Virginia Commonwealth University, developed a five-step model called the Reach Model to help people learn how to forgive better. He describes the two types of forgiveness that are integral to our health and well-being:
Forgiveness Essential Reads
- Decisional forgiveness: a decision to act differently toward the offender in the future
- Emotional forgiveness: a shift from feelings of resentment and anxiety to positive emotions like compassion and empathy.
While decisional forgiveness is more important for repairing relationships, emotional forgiveness is key to our physical and mental well-being, says the eminent psychologist.
That’s because when we replace our negative emotions with positive ones we are more able to respond calmly, rather than to react stressfully to a transgression.
Elevated stress levels are associated with a weakened immune system, which in turn is linked to many health issues including cardiovascular disease, anxiety, and depression. So, it’s key to manage our moods and keep our stress levels down.
Source: Pexels/Arthur Brognoli
REACH Out to Others to Forgive
Although our intentions to forgive and to help others to do so, may be good, just simply telling someone to “let it go” or “drop it” may not be effective.
Instead, the next time you seek to forgive someone try heeding Dr. Worthington’s research-based advice. “REACH” out to them by taking the following five steps:
- Recall. Remember the hurt as objectively as possible
- Empathize. Do your best to put yourself into the shoes of the person who hurt you.
- Altruism. Give the person the gift of forgiveness.
- Commit. Publicly forgive the person.
- Hold onto Forgiveness. Remember that you made the choice to forgive.
In sum, given the importance of forgiveness for a flourishing life, don’t wait until you feel like forgiving. That moment may never happen.
Instead, choose to make a conscious decision to forgive now. And embody that decision by moving from feelings of anger and resentment to positive emotions of compassion and empathy.
Finally, keep at it. Remind yourself that forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process – a skill you can practice on an ongoing basis. If you mess up, don’t fret. Try again. Life is full of opportunities to forgive.
By working at it regularly, not only will we get better at it, we will become better individuals as well. As Alexander Pope said, “to err is human, to forgive divine.”
